April, 2005 Archive

other nurses warned me about him. J is something else they say. how so? just see for myself they say.

i was still taking report from the outgoing RN when J’s call light went off. the RN rolled her eyes; trying to tell me something i already know.

what do i do about J? he is 21. a whole lot ahead of him. but he is a quadriplegic, caused by a gunshot wound. why he was shot, i honestly didn’t have the energy and the time to find out. i knew, the moment i first entered his room that he is a very angry man. again, i didn’t have time to find out when he was shot. the wound didn’t look that old, but it didn’t look that new either. he has every reason to be angry, and yes, he used all those reasons.

to say that he called every five minutes is an understatement. other RNs were saying i was sugarcoating the fact that he is actually calling nonstop.

i tried to be very patient with him; giving him practically everything he needs. and being there everytime that call light goes off. all the other RNs were honestly impressed. it was hard, but i tried to empathize. i mean, i would hate the world, and everything in it too, if at 21, all i can do is move my head and breathe only because i have a freaking hole on my throat.

i planned everything to end up pleasant…but J did everything possible to bring out the worst in me.

it is pathetic, but i allowed him.

J: nurrrrrrrrse!!!!!

me: you need anything, J?

J: can you scratch my nose?

me: can you wait just a sec?

J: no, i can’t,it is itching soooo bad, right NOW!

me: you have to wait a sec, i just need to put my gloves on. ( he is on isolation)

J: don’t you remember i CAN’T use my hands? i’m itching right NOW!

while i was scratching his nose….

J: what’s your name again?

me: May

J: okay MAY,why are being so MEAN to me, making me wait when you know i can’t scartch myself?

such condescending voice and looks. i am ashamed to say, but i lost it…yeah, i’m definitely bad. it’s not an excuse that i have taken my other two patients for granted and has been a literal devoted nurse to this angry person. it is not an excuse that i have gone beyond the expected extra miles just to make him feel comfortable.that is not an excuse but….

me: let me ask you something J. am i here everytime you call me or am i not here? do i do everything you ask me or i just ignore you? i am MEAN to you? (yeah, my voice was shaky. i admit i was almost yelling)

J: lower, on the left side….there, scratch harder….no, i was just kidding when i said you were mean.

okay. that should make me feel better?

breathing through my nose and out through my mouth does not make this kinds of things really better. the shift was just beginning; and already, all the things i went through with J are things i would rather keep to myself . i’m sure it will sound like an exagerration.

i ended up being apathetic the whole time. i would still answer his calls, still give him his wants. but it was obvious i was in another place, in another time. it was so obvious that J finally asked me if i was having a bad night, or if i was tired. all these questions of “concern”, i answer with silence, with a face so blank, and a voice so void of emotion that even a terrorist attack might not cause me to flinch.

i left the unit without my usual goodbye to the patients. my heart was heavy, but honestly, there was relief too. i will not see J again for a couple of days, or if i’m lucky, forever!

i am only human. i am still a work in progress.

is that an acceptable excuse for loosing patience with patients? i can only hope so.

so i was sitting on the dental chair and this dentist was trying to tear my whole mouth apart. (at least that’s how it felt!) of course i wasn’t in my chatting mood; and i was glad he wasn’t one of those dentists who are trying hard to make a conversation while they put all kinds of cold, funny smelling instruments inside your mouth. the guy actually knew when to open his mouth. i liked that..

i felt naked in there. i am so used to being in control, holding the syringe, saying “just relax, it will be over soon”, giving the shots, so to speak, literally. the sight of blood does not freak me out. only, it is always somebody else’s blood. i admit it was kinda freaky seeing the dentist’s gloves with MY blood on it.

what can i say.? when somebody has your blood in their hands, you let down your defenses. i mean, it’s not everyday that you let somebody smell or touch your blood, right?

i was being sentimental when i asked for my four wisdom teeth. i wanted to put them in my jewelry box. not only because i don’t have any piece of jewelry in there, but also because i have this ridiculous notion that my real wisdom ( no matter how insignificant it is) is in those four ugly looking teeth. i don’t want to loose any little wisdom i have left. but they are keeping the teeth. i didn’t dare ask why.

and the dentist? he was off to the next patient even before i could sarcastically say thank you for tormenting me. i guess he was trained not to bond with his patients huh. at least i linger for a few moments after giving an enema. after all, it’s not everyday that people expose their behind to me, letting down their defenses like some naked babies, right?

does it feel empowering to say “i’ll sue you!”?

i wonder what goes through the minds of family members of patients who seem to use that line like a greeting; like a lawyer costs nothing.

so, you can’t tell the the doctor to come see my wife RIGHT now? that’s okay, i’ll sue you!
(are you kidding me? the doctor won’t see your wife just because she won’t fall asleep 5 minutes after taking a sleeping pill!)

you mean you didn’t leave the radio on my dad’s favorite station? that’s why he didn’t sleep! i guess, i just have to sue!
(okay, okay, let’s get things in perspective here. your dad doesn’t sleep. period. favorite station on or off.)

my mom told me she hasn’t been fed for days. that is definitely elder abuse! you think i will not sue?
(hello? your mom doesn’t even know what her name is. how do you expect her to remember that at the time i was feeding her dinner, i was still chewing the same gum i was chewing to wash down my breakfast?)

well, of course i’m exagerrating. (sue me!)

it’s just fascinating how some patients and family members think it scares us to death that they know how to use the word sue.

how about this for a thought: sue when somebody left a pair of scissors inside your father’s brain after craniotomy. sue when you have a quadriplegic daughter because she had too much anesthesia when she had her mole removed. sue when your mom had a heart attack because a stupid RN gave a vial of potassium. sue when your wife bled to death after an overdose of heparin. sue when ….you get the drift….

then maybe, healthcare would not be THAT ridiculously expensive.

if you want to know the whole truth: threatening to sue does not change the way i care for patients. it only changes the way i document the events. every patient is supposed to get the best possible care. accurate documentation is essential all the time, but when you feel like suing at every conceivable occasion, accurate documentation is mandatory.

just that…”perfect” charting of events. your mom will still wear that lousy hospital gown; your dad will still have that blood test until there are answers; the doctor will still be paged a few times before seeing you; the food will still be the same; the spoon, fork and knife will still be disposable; the ice macine will still break down; the curtains will still be boring….you get the drift…

so yes mr. F, you will be fined (dearly!) everytime you “sue” me.

it is a protocol to check with the conscious, oriented patient, what is his/her birthday is before putting the ID band. to verify the identification. what gives me the creeps is that somebody told me once (or did i read it somewhere?) that people usually die a couple of days or weeks before or after their birthday.

this explains why i am freaking out everytime i check a patient’s birthday, and it turns out that it was yesterday, or that it will be next week…sometimes, the paranoia gets so overwhelming, i would rather not check. only, i am one of those RNs with OCD who try to stick to the protocol if i can.

i have to stop myself from telling the patient: “so mr. S…you will be 78 this coming saturday, i’m afraid i need to remind you to reconsider your will before you go through with that surgery”. i know what you’re thinking…it must be horrible having me for a nurse.

i did a little research this morning…walked around a cemetery just a couple of blocks from our house. i regret doing it. now, i’m almost beyond paranoid.aprroximately 50-60 of the people in there died on the month they were born!

but then again…it was just a small cemetery.