other nurses warned me about him. J is something else they say. how so? just see for myself they say.

i was still taking report from the outgoing RN when J’s call light went off. the RN rolled her eyes; trying to tell me something i already know.

what do i do about J? he is 21. a whole lot ahead of him. but he is a quadriplegic, caused by a gunshot wound. why he was shot, i honestly didn’t have the energy and the time to find out. i knew, the moment i first entered his room that he is a very angry man. again, i didn’t have time to find out when he was shot. the wound didn’t look that old, but it didn’t look that new either. he has every reason to be angry, and yes, he used all those reasons.

to say that he called every five minutes is an understatement. other RNs were saying i was sugarcoating the fact that he is actually calling nonstop.

i tried to be very patient with him; giving him practically everything he needs. and being there everytime that call light goes off. all the other RNs were honestly impressed. it was hard, but i tried to empathize. i mean, i would hate the world, and everything in it too, if at 21, all i can do is move my head and breathe only because i have a freaking hole on my throat.

i planned everything to end up pleasant…but J did everything possible to bring out the worst in me.

it is pathetic, but i allowed him.

J: nurrrrrrrrse!!!!!

me: you need anything, J?

J: can you scratch my nose?

me: can you wait just a sec?

J: no, i can’t,it is itching soooo bad, right NOW!

me: you have to wait a sec, i just need to put my gloves on. ( he is on isolation)

J: don’t you remember i CAN’T use my hands? i’m itching right NOW!

while i was scratching his nose….

J: what’s your name again?

me: May

J: okay MAY,why are being so MEAN to me, making me wait when you know i can’t scartch myself?

such condescending voice and looks. i am ashamed to say, but i lost it…yeah, i’m definitely bad. it’s not an excuse that i have taken my other two patients for granted and has been a literal devoted nurse to this angry person. it is not an excuse that i have gone beyond the expected extra miles just to make him feel comfortable.that is not an excuse but….

me: let me ask you something J. am i here everytime you call me or am i not here? do i do everything you ask me or i just ignore you? i am MEAN to you? (yeah, my voice was shaky. i admit i was almost yelling)

J: lower, on the left side….there, scratch harder….no, i was just kidding when i said you were mean.

okay. that should make me feel better?

breathing through my nose and out through my mouth does not make this kinds of things really better. the shift was just beginning; and already, all the things i went through with J are things i would rather keep to myself . i’m sure it will sound like an exagerration.

i ended up being apathetic the whole time. i would still answer his calls, still give him his wants. but it was obvious i was in another place, in another time. it was so obvious that J finally asked me if i was having a bad night, or if i was tired. all these questions of “concern”, i answer with silence, with a face so blank, and a voice so void of emotion that even a terrorist attack might not cause me to flinch.

i left the unit without my usual goodbye to the patients. my heart was heavy, but honestly, there was relief too. i will not see J again for a couple of days, or if i’m lucky, forever!

i am only human. i am still a work in progress.

is that an acceptable excuse for loosing patience with patients? i can only hope so.