nothing is more complex than the fact that life is simple.

when i was a child, i used to think that grown ups have everything. i was fascinated by the sense of freedom adults seemed to enjoy. they can eat anything, they stay awake as long as they want to, they go anywhere. i used to resent the adults around me who would force me to take a nap because i needed to, while they never sleep talking about things i wished i was allowed to talk about. grown up things they say. i wished i was a grown up.

as an adult, i often long for those days when i was still a child. i wish someone would force me to take a nap. i wish someone has that authority to stop me from eating unhealthy foods. i wish i didn’t know all the places i wanted to go to but can’t. there are times i wished i never had to talk about grown up things. i wish i am a child.

the irony of things. if i didn’t look at the light…all i’ll see is the dark.

i know better now. wishing for what is not is a waste of time. i am healthy. my family is healthy. i love. i am loved. i savor every passing moment. now, is all that matters.

the moans of pain, the distinct, palpable smell of death are good reminders that there is certainly more to life.

i count it a blessing that i see things clearly, because of the nature of my work. every patient, every colleague, has a story. every story is a lesson. every lesson is important.

E is 50 something. he has expressive aphasia, unable to walk, unable to chew or swallow. lung cancer with mets to the brain. poor prognosis. i admitted him at 2 am last night. i read the history and found out that just three days ago he was relatively well. walking, talking, laughing. just three days ago.

his empty stare was unnerving.

he need not talk to tell me a story. he need not talk to give me a lesson.

he need not talk to remind me what is important.

…that i still have life, and i still have what it takes to enjoy it.

it is all that really matters.