D didn’t show any emotion while i was taking his medical history.

30 year old male, HIV positive when he was 17, full blown AIDS in 2003. to date, he has gone through quite a bit after it became full blown. he was supposed to see an ophthalmologist for a sudden blindness on his left eye. ridiculous as it may seem, blindness is not urgent enough for him to be granted a same day appointment. he was told the earliest appointment available is in september. he had no choice but to go to the ER.

although we do get full blown AIDS and HIV positive patients in our unit, they are not that common. understandably, the staff, mostly the RNs, are always curious as to how the disease was acquired.

it wasn’t a surprise when after i came out of the room, nurses flocked to me like hungry dogs awaiting a hefty meal. all with the same query: “so May, HOW did he get IT?”

“i don’t know. i didn’t ask. was i supposed to?” i replied coldly.

“does he look like a druggie? maybe one of those needles huh” M said.

“is he gay?” T asked.

“oh my God, i hope not from blood transfusion, it always makes me sad to hear that” L exclaimed.

i listened to them but didn’t say a thing. i acted busy doing D’s paperworks.

why don’t i ask THAT question? this is not the first time i’ve had an AIDS patient, and always, i never ask how they get it. most of the times, they eventually tell me without me asking.

i reckon it won’t make a difference; it doesn’t matter. but is it something deeper? am i afraid my own prejudices will make me a biased, judgmental nurse who would do differently if a patient somehow “chose” the lifestyle that led to the disease?

am i wrong to think that it doesn’t matter? is it hypocritical to think that the patient deserves the same care even if he has a “part” in being sick?

i remember taking care of A, an alcoholic drug addict who had a stroke at 37, and was paralyzed. almost everybody took care of him on auto pilot, smiling at family members, giving him everything he needs, but when his doors are closed, they all openly talk about how “he deserves everything that he is now”. i usually keep my distance when RNs discuss situations like these. when they air out their opinions about a smoker with lung cancer, an alcoholic with liver cirrhosis, a drug addict with AIDS, i keep quiet and cringe. i always thought i have no right to judge them, and therefore i am not in the position to conclude what “punishment” they should endure because of their choices.

do i really, honestly believe that, or am i the world’s biggest, fattest liar?