i am sick.

the little ones are sick.

if you’re a mom, you know what that means. you forget you’re sick, and go on being a mom.

it is at times like this that i have an aching, burning desire to go home. i do not really know why, but i guess having somebody else look after the kids while you curl up in bed after a grueling but comforting massage from an old lady who will tell you “you have a lot of air in your muscles” sounds like a really good idea.

well, well, i’ll be honest. i want to go home all the time. even when i’m not sick. i don’t really know why. maybe it’s just the stupid person living in my body. all of my friends believe that going home for good is a bad idea.

i’ve been here for almost four years. i think that is enough proof that yeah, i accept that it is definitely stupid to go home for good.

i’m looking at the situation and i’m putting it in writing so i can see things more clearly:

back home, the philippines, that is:

working in a private 100 plus bed hospital 40 hours a week, i earn 6,000 pesos (about 110 US dollars) a month. i return my tithe, i pay my bedspace rent of 1,200 pesos, the only monthly bill i ever pay. the rest of the money is for food, personal stuff, transportation for window shopping.

at the end of the month, i look at my paycheck and let it sink that it’s all just paper now, and all i gotta do to live a decent life is to go on and work no matter how ridiculous that figure that i see in my paycheck month after month after month.

i have no money, no house, no car, no insurance of any kind. all i have is a lot time. and a lot of people to spend it with.

the best part of the deal however is this: i owe nothing to no one. i mean no debt, no loan, not a single cent. zero! i sleep with a smile on my face, knowing in my heart that if i never wake up, people will not miss me because i owe them something.

here, in the western part of the US:

working in a private 800 plus bed hospital, i earn…you know how much. i return my tithe. i pay: house mortgage, house insurance, car mortgage, car insurance, security alarm, pest control, cable, health insurance, term life insurance, disability insurance, credit card bills used for real shopping.

at the end of the month, i look at my paycheck and let it sink that it’s all just paper now; and all i gotta do to live a decent life is to go on and work.

the house will be paid off in 29 years, the car in 59 months…all the other bills, well, they come every month, not missing a month. before i sleep at night, i’m thinking: i couldn’t possibly die tonight…how about my debts?

i know, i can’t have the best of both worlds.

i chose to give up the idea of a simple, debtless life when i embraced the comfort of a warm shower, the cool or warm private ride in my own car, the lavish life of actually putting body lotion all over my body.

i chose it and i have no one to blame. i am not blaming anyone.

fall has just started and it already feels like winter.

even so, i don’t think the climate is to blame…

don’t get me wrong, i like it here…

i am just sick and dreaming it would be nice to be home…