what happened last monday morning will be written in history books. my life’s history book at least. or specifically, my “life as a nurse” history book. because i have NEVER done it before.

i’ve been a nurse for more than ten years now, and i have never snapped at whatever my fellow nurses have done, are doing, or will do. never. because, i consider it bad taste to snap.

if they don’t answer their call lights; if they get sarcastic when i answer their call lights, and let them know what their patients want; if they don’t do what they are supposed to do, like cleaning their patients’ poop at least before it turns into stone; if they ignore their IV or feeding pumps alarm, i put a duct tape over my big mouth and just keep my words to myself. i know they have reasons. i respect whatever their reasons.

i recognize the fact that not all shifts are the same. sometimes, you can do all the things that are expected of you. sometimes, you just take each minute as it comes.

the truth is, working as a bedside nurse is just like that. there are times when you literally have no time to empty your bladder even if it is already holding two liters of urine. and there are times when you actually feel like you don’t deserve to be paid full because everyone and everything is just so peaceful.

when i have a chaotic shift, i go around doing my job, thinking it is such a busy night, i wonder if i can still go home without my varicose veins bursting. i don’t go around checking other nurses’ patient list and feeling sorry for myself for having such a crappy list. when i have one of those peaceful shifts and nobody needs my help, i usually read or put my head on a folded blanket and relax. is it too much to ask to be left alone on how i spend my free time, since it is my business? after all, i don’t have a problem with how other nurses spend their free time. they pluck each other’s eyebrows, they paint or file their nails, they write checks for their bills, they do the crossword, they call their significant others, they eat, they surf the web. it doesn’t bother me, it’s their free time, it’s their business.

what bothers me is the comparing and the complaining.

it is difficult to listen to nurses comparing their list of patients to other nurses. they are the nurses who usually talk to themselves, with voice loud enough to blow your eardrum. “why do i have two isolation patients, and she only has one?”, why do i get this patient with a tracheostomy, a feeding tube, a humongous bedsore, and an ileostomy bag, and all her patients are walking?” why do i get this sickle cell patient who asks for pain shot every hour, and hers never even asks for a tylenol”…etc…etc…etc.

the other thing more difficult than that is when nurses actually complain to your face that it is unfair that you are sitting, while they are doing something.

well, my shift last sunday night was like that.

it was my third night, and it so happened that i have had the same three patients since the first night. there are no major changes, so i have practically memorized the meds and cares for all my patients. i basically had it altogether. i was caught up with my charting, and at 2300, i actually had the luxury of sitting and opening a funny book i borrowed from the library. Z was literally jealous of this and she was vocal about it. she started joking about the fact that it was unfair that i have time to read when she has not even done half of the stuff she needed to do.

the whole night, Z went on and on and on. she told me to be careful because i might end up becoming a genius since i’ve been reading the whole night. she told me i shouldn’t have come to work because i’m not really doing anything, except for sitting and reading. she told me the hospital will lose money because of paying me while just doing nothing in the job. and on and on and on. to which my response was either silence or a soft “yeah”.

when the shift was about to end, i was asked by our circulating RN ( a nurse who does not have a patient list, but helps everyone and watches patients if an RN is on break) to help her by collecting the med boxes keys and the cordless phones that each RN has. when i was getting Z’s keys and phone, she said: “wow, you’re finally working! at least you were able to work before the shift ended! i tell you guys, May is finally working, like the rest of us. only, the shift is almost over, so it’s still unfair.”

this is where all hell broke loose.

in a voice loud enough for all the staff RN to hear, i snapped: “Z, do you have a problem with me sitting and reading when i have nothing to do? do you? if you do, i suggest you write me up, and stop telling me i’m not doing anything because i am sick of it. i am sick of you telling me i should do more, just because you have not rested. your comments will not really change a thing, it would be easier if you just write me up, so our nurse manager can just fire me, because you think i don’t do my job. you keep saying i am not doing anything, why don’t you check my chart and tell me what i have missed, and while you’re at it, why don’t you check my patients to find out if any of them need anything that i have not given. or do i have to report to you everything that i do so you will consider me worthy of my pay? ”

“i told you that the whole night? are you being serious here? i was just kinda joking, calm down. are you upset?” Z asked with a little smile.

“yes Z, i am upset. if you are joking, and i’m not laughing, it must not be funny, right? i don’t find it funny that you imply i am not taking care of my patients just because i have time to read and sit.” by this time, everybody’s eyes was fixed on me, with their mouths half open. i know what they were thinking. i too, could not believe i just said what i said, in a way i said it.

i went back to my little table, and thanked God for a little self control. i was itching to add that it wasn’t my fault she is not caught up because when she is free, she retouches her make up and brushes her hair. i was also itching to add that it wasn’t my fault that she is tired because she told me she went shopping till 11 PM and she chatted with a friend till 3 AM the night before. and i was itching to add that it wasn’t my fault that she is not caught up with her duties, because she chats first and charts second. it wasn’t my fault at all. i was itching to say all these but i didn’t.

still, i was angry and i didn’t keep it to myself.

you can accuse me of anything, but never ever accuse me of not doing what i’m supposed to do. i cannot and will not tolerate it.

raised to believe that it is “okay to be angry, but in your anger, do not sin”, it was understandable that guilt overcame me pretty quickly. Z was nowhere to be found after the shift.

at home, i called the hospital for Z’s number so i can apologize. not for the words i said, but for the way i said it, and for embarassing her in front of other nurses. i should have known better. i could have talked to her in private, or told her nicely, when she cracked the first joke that i did not like it. it would have been less complicated that way. instead, i embarassed myself by doing what i think is completely out of line.

Z’s number was not updated, so my apologies have been delayed. usually, apologies delayed are opportunites for pride to kick in, but i’m not worried. i will do everything within my power to swallow that pride, so i can have peace.

what concerns me now is how to avoid the same situation again.

there are about four other RNs who habitually compare and complain. the whole night, they cry out loud about their patient list being unfair. they check everybody else’s list and with tremendous amount of self pity, they compare, compare, compare. they talk about it over and over. instead of using their time doing things, they catch up on each other and complain, complain, complain. they discuss about how they are so busy, they have no time to chart. i have nothing about gossiping the latest hollywood news, i have nothing about retouching make up, i have nothing about hairbrushing, i have nothing about catching up. what i have something against, is when they choose to do all these things first, instead of doing their responsibilities, and then complain (to me!) about not having enough time. is it MY fault?

how do i deal with these people without snapping?

how can i be angry at them, yet in my anger, not sin?