December, 2005 Archive

NO.

but He is real.

it is incomprehensible that the sun shines, on both good and bad people.

it is incomprehensible that small children are being molested and that they suffer, their whole life consumed by something they experienced when they were so innocent and helpless.

it is incomprehensible that people die when they have loved ones who will loose their minds at the unbearable grief of their absence.

it is incomprehensible that there is hunger, there are terminal unexplainable diseases, there are wars, there are tragic natural disasters.

all human beings have the need to know. we all want answers, and we usually want them now.

if we don’t know how the sun works, it doesn’t mean it ceases to exist.

if we don’t know the reason why a 30 year old father of three young children would have cancer and die when he had lived a healthy life, it doesn’t mean there is no reason.

there certainly is a reason. we just don’t know what it is.

not knowing something is frustrating. it is so frustrating it is easy for us to loose sight of the whole picture. after all, a God who defines Himself as “Love” but just allow people to suffer is something that defies logic. we get angry. and we get discouraged.

nothing wrong with that.

we always have a choice. to embrace that rage and live a miserable life, or face it, let go, move on.

that sounds unfair. it is. but that’s how we thrive. or not.

so, there is a God.

yet, what kind of God is He? how does He handle all these suffering? if He is all powerful, why is He not intervening?

we have no definite answers. we do not understand the whole scheme of things. no matter how we try. philosophers and theologians attempt to explain, but no single thing specifically addresses our personal confusion. some, if not a lot of things just don’t make perfect sense to us.

the only thing that makes sense is that, even though a lot of things don’t make sense, God is real; and whether we acknowledge it or not, He understands everything.

every person has his/her own concept of God. don’t listen to the ones that say pain, sorrow, and death is a punishment to those who have forgotten Him. don’t listen to the ones who say that God is unjust because He does not punish those who deserve it. they are extremists and think God thinks like human beings. that is far from who He is. we think as humans, He thinks as God, there is no comparison. even if we believe we were created in His image, still, we don’t totally know His thoughts.

i don’t have a degree in theology. i have no qualifications to say that what i think about God is documented. all i have are my own experiences, and a lot of stories told to me first hand, or passed on to me, making me nothing but a witness. i am the only proof of what i am going to say, and it would not be surprising if nobody feels/believes the way i do.

i don’t expect you to take my word and go live happily ever after. i was just compelled to share my thoughts, hoping something good will come out of it. that’s all i hope for.

i feel the sincerity in your words. i know it sickens you to see, touch, and feel suffering. every single day. and you want answers.

i have not given you answers. but the answers will come. unexpectedly. from within, or from messages around you.

i’m sure of that.

you are not traveling alone. we are all on a journey to discovery. when you get tired along the way, as everybody does, rest, but don’t give up. we all have a lifetime of learning. it doesn’t get easier as it takes longer, but there is no other way.

i pray that soon, you will find the peace that passeth all understanding.

the kind of peace that comes from knowing, and believing, that God knows everything, and that He will be there through all the questions, doubts, anger, frustrations, and pains.

the kind of peace that comes from knowing, that you do not have to understand everything before you can accept certain things.

it is the peace that does not ask for pain and sorrow to go away, but a life lived with confidence that God knows your pain and that in your sorrow, He will comfort you.

if you ask me, God doesn’t really expect us to completely understand suffering, as we want to understand it. He just wants us to trust His wisdom. He just wants us to hold His hand.

it is not easy, but it is the only way.

“can i get my dilaudid IV, phenergan IV, ativan IV all at once?”

N.O.

(if you want to experience nirvana in the middle of a chaotic medical surgical telemetry unit, you must try another form of meditation and not rely on the power of the mighty drugs)

“…but they have been giving it to me that way. i am a very, very sick person, and it’s because of my disease that i need it all at the same time. can you give it to me please?”

N.O.

(if you want to float in the air and see your life unfold in a haze, gazing at the stars like you are in a trance, and talk to those who already passed, i recommend the psychic at the street corner, she does it for free if you are really nice)

“how can you be so mean like that? okay, if you can give me my dilaudid now, and then give me my ativan after five minutes, and then my phenergan, that would be great. can you do that?”

N.O.

(if you want to sleep and never wake up, i don’t want to be the one to cause it. i have kids to take care of, i still need my license, and i don’t look good in black and white stripes, or plain orange suit, thank you very much!)

here, the patient starts crying, and mumbles: “i want to talk to patient relations.”

yes. of course.

this happened at 3 AM, when after hours of going back and forth with this patient who WANTS all kinds of sedatives available to mankind, i was getting exhausted. she usually sits on the side of her bed when she is awake. she would call and say something, and after a sentence or two, would dramatically fall on her side and get zonked, sleep walking and talking in between, scaring the other patient in the room because she groggily tries to “kill” her enemies to get even with them. it’s eerie because it looks like a movie in slow motion, only it’s real and i have three other patients, and they need me too.

with scheduled 8 mg of Dilaudid tablet every 4 hours, and PRN 1 mg ativan and phenergan every 6 hours, then another scheduled muscle relaxant every 8 hours, there is no other logical explanation why she won’t be leaving zzzzland. she is asleep most of the times, but the few minutes she is awake is the perfect time for her to ask for more sedatives.

she is a druggie. no, i did not make that up. she told me so on the first night i took care of her. she said she blames the doctors because they let her start doing it to manage her back pain after a surgery, and when she asked for more, they kept giving it. sobbing, she said, that now, her life is hell without it, and still hell with it. not her exact words, but exactly what she meant.

anyway, i asked the charge nurse to call patient relations. the charge nurse, bless her heart, knew exactly what to do. she talked to her and ended their little conversation with the famous line: “i’ll go and check your chart to see what it says about your meds.” then she called the doctor to write an order that all PRN IV meds should be given at least an hour apart. then she came back to the patient and told her what her chart said.

there is no need for a doctor’s order for me to figure that out, but as i have said before, there’s something about doctors. i was not surprised she would take the doctor’s order seriously. i was telling her the same exact thing the whole time, and she would just keep pushing her luck, probably thinking what i’m saying does not really count.

the patient wiped her tears and said nothing. she closed her eyes and was in limbo for at least an hour. then the story repeated itself. the next redundant chapter would have been blogged by the AM nurse. only, she has no clue that blogging existed.

no, i’m not sure if she would have said yes to a suggestion to go to rehab.

no, i have no idea what kinds of mediation will make you experience nirvana.

no, there is no psychic in the street corner.

and no, i don’t say NO all the time. if you ask me if i can go hang out with richard gere, after working three nights in a row…

YES.