wearing her shoes
where do you draw the line?
empathy versus being abused?
when you give undivided attention to a patient’s daughter; listen to every complaint she say, and make sure she gets everything you can possibly give her, because like her, you used to have a mom who was in the hospital. you spend time with her to listen to her fears and concerns, because you feel for her, because you know how it is to take care of your sick mother and feel helpless about making her feel better.
then, she starts following you around, standing at your other patients’ room, waiting for you, so she can ask you to look and check her mom because she just tried to move her head to the left (like, what’s wrong with that?). or she will call you to see her comfortably sleeping mom, she’ll wake her up, and ask her if her arm, her neck, her stomach hurts, and she will not stop until she gets a yes from her mom, so that she can ask you to do something about it…
but you still try your best to be nice and polite, letting her stay and visit even if it’s three hours past beyond visiting time, and pulling off a really dramatic monologue to the doctor so he will come and talk to her just to reassure her that her mom will be okay for tonight.
and though she finally left at midnight, she still called you at 2:30 (in the morning!) just to get an assurance that she will be able to talk to the attending on a sunday morning, because she has a lot of ideas on what they (the doctors) should do, so her mom will get better faster…
but you still manage to say nicely that she needs to rest and call it a day because for sure, she will be able to talk to the attending on a sunday morning….
i think it is abuse.
i know, “abuse” is probably an exagerrated way to describe it. it’s just that i feel drained. and i have no one to blame but myself.
i think i allowed my patient’s daughter to use the fact that i empathized with her, to abuse me.
and i am disgusted at myself.
sometimes, empathy is overrated.
sometimes.
She’s a professional, and she knows exactly how to play on the “codependent” nature of nurses.
There are no people in the world, except methamphetamine and opiate addicts, who are more screwed up and manipulative.
It’s amazing how she also abuses her own sick mother, by interrupting her sleep and bullying her into admitting to some vague pain or another. That’s the awful, twisted, demented beauty of it.
She’s probably borderline, and there’s nothing you can do to satisfy her weird concerns and behaviors.
Like I’d boot her to the curb, where she belongs. Nope. Too codependent.
Comment by shrimplate — January 23, 2006 @ 11:33 pm
i know a couple of people - previous patients or their relatives who did the same thing. It kinda makes it more difficult to treat the patient as a person
Comment by Rygel — January 24, 2006 @ 2:14 am
You put so eloquently what I have struggled to put my finger on for years. Yes, the family is attentive, almost to the point of smothering, so why am I resentful? An epiphany arose when I realized that my mother was just like the daughter in your post. My mom would hover for days at the bedside of even the most distant relative, being a staunch “advocate”. It wasn’t the sick relation she cared about. She wants to be seen as the interceding angel. I wish I had the right words to say to bring sanity back to that type of situation.
Comment by taming the beast — January 24, 2006 @ 5:25 am
it sounds like to me that she is very scared. plus you learned that you must renain distance if such a person comes into your life again. i hope you got plenty of reat and fell mentally healthy soon.
Comment by DayByDay4-2Day — January 24, 2006 @ 7:05 pm
This is a fascinating insight. It sounds like partial abuse and partial fear (on the daughter’s part). I am not saying they are equal parts. I think it is really sad for the mother that this is happening to her. I also think you are really mature for recognising it for what is is and having the courage and wisdom to share with us.
Comment by Unimum209 — January 25, 2006 @ 11:08 pm
I wouldn’t necessarily say that the patient’s daughter is (ab)using you intentionally, but she is using you because she can. Being a very “nice”, friendly and polite person myself (or so I’m told) I also find it difficult to draw the line and put my foot down sometimes. But there is nothing impolite in telling the daughter to step back and follow regulations (visiting hours etc.).
Always remember that everyone has a reason for everything they do. It’s a disappearingly small number of people who do things just to annoy and cause trouble to others.
Comment by Omorfia (swedish nurse) — January 26, 2006 @ 6:07 pm
She took advantage of your kind nature. Don’t be too hard on yourself. At least you’ve still got one.
Nothing pisses me off more than the caregiver who wants to divert all the attention to him/her self.
Comment by Susan — January 26, 2006 @ 6:50 pm
one of the hardest things to do is to set limits with people - especially when you’re a caring person. i know that i have problems with this too. if she follows you to other patients’ rooms, maybe you can tell her that she shouldn’t do that because of HIPAA and patient privacy rights. and as for letting her stay past hours, maybe next time you can say that you were reprimanded for that since other patients’ family members now want to do that as well. just a thought…
Comment by unsinkablemb — January 29, 2006 @ 2:57 am
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