C is going through an ugly divorce.

not that any divorce ever gets pretty, but when custody of kids and the possibilty of bankcruptcy are very real, it makes it more difficult.

C was one of my preceptors when i started. he let me do my thing, and told me to just holler when i need his help. he was quiet, so i thought he was bored, and boring.

then one day, on the board where staff put up all sorts of pictures from pets, to lovers, to kids, i saw a picture of three happy kids. “C’s kids” it said.

the next time i worked with him, i told him his kids are cute, and that his boy looked like that little boy in the movie Jerry Mcguire. as expected, he did not know what i was talking about, but the mention of his kids made his eyes twinkle. he started talking about each one. how they crack him up, how tiring but fulfilling it is to take care of them. he told me he was trying to save up some money so he can start a business so he can be at home most of the times and not work 12 hour shifts. i left him imagining his blissful future, with his kids, 2, 4, and 6 year olds, hanging on to him all day at home while he was selling filtered water.

turned out, he was not bored or boring, he was excited about some little people: his kids.

last year, he moved to colorado, bought a house on a 35 acre land. he was beaming when he showed me the pictures of what he called their little paradise. they have their own little lake, the deers are their neighbors. the kids and his wife loved it. he could not ask for anything more.

a few months later, he was back in the unit, as a traveller RN. “pay sucks in colorado”, he said.

last thursday, (his last day as a traveller) while i was giving report to him, one of the nurses joked about him still wearing his wedding ring. that was when i found out about the on going divorce.

C was pretty apathetic about his wife, who he said, started “buying stuff for her son from a previous marriage, with money we didn’t have”.

they say the three major reasons for divorce are sex, money and in-laws. even without the details, C made it clear that sex and in-laws were not the issues.

i asked about his kids. they are 3, 5, and 7 years old now.

“the kids appear clueless, but i know they know. all i’m after is at least a 50-50 custody, but she is doing everything do make that near to impossible.”

it was heartbreaking to watch this big guy waste away. i didn’t say anything, because i really didn’t know what to say. before i said goodbye, i told him i don’t know how things like these work out, but i hope it will work out eventually for him, and for his kids.

i went home haunted by C’s shaky voice.

all weekened, i was flooded with all sorts of thoughts.

i thought of how amazing it is that nurses go to work, smile, take care of hurting people, appearing unaware of their own pains. how nurses professionally put themselves aside, completely ignoring their own worries and fears while assuring a scared patient awaiting the unknown.

i thought of how unbelievably resilient the human mind or spirit is. how it lets one separate self from work, not only to continue to get that paycheck, but to stand true to the idea that there is real joy and meaning in helping other people.

i thought of how the heart can be such an incomprehensible thing sometimes. how one learns to love someone with all their life and slowly, turn that love into something undefinably vindictive.

i thought of how one copes with emotional blows like these. how one gets all his acts together and convince himself that although this feels like it is the end of the world, it really isn’t. how one talks himself into believing that in the end, it doesn’t matter that you do not smell and see that same face you’ve smelled and seen for years anymore, because change is an essential part of life, and change, is inevitable.

i thought of the kids. where they get their strength, and how will they handle this change.

i thought of how such a common thing like divorce, considering its reality, can break someone like that and magnify all the little things.

i thought of all the things that made sense…

…and divorce is not one of them.