she didn’t know she pooped.

since it was the kind of poop that usually happens when patients don’t know they pooped, the pads were soaked, and the bed sheet needed to be changed. i had to get somebody to help me.

she was almost 500 pounds, and was unable to move by herself. there was me, and another filipina nurse. i don’t have to elaborate how challenging it was to clean her up.

while pulling the bed sheet from underneath her, the other nurse kept telling me to sort of do it faster, because she can’t hold on much longer, and the patient was being pushed onto the siderails. i said “it’s hard” three times. it was hard to pull the sheet, that’s what i meant.

when she was all clean and settled, i asked her if she needed anything else.

“no, i just want to let you know, that i have been here for a while and you are the very first one…”

i felt a little warm inside. i was ready to be thanked, and i was eager for the compliments. after all, i reasoned with my humongous ego that after sweating my butt off doing all those things for her, a little pat on the back won’t hurt.

“…who totally made me feel like a completely worthless person…”

say that again?

“…you know, i have cancer, and i can’t help it. if i can do it myself, i will not ask you to do anything for me. i will do it myself and not bother you. you don’t have to say hurting words like that.”

okay. in seconds, i tried to press the replay button, and watched where i messed up and said hurtful things. since the video in my mind wasn’t that clear, i politely apologized, and asked her to refresh my memory.

“…it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? you have already hurt me, and i just feel so bad.”

i didn’t know what it was, but her tone made me feel like crying. her vindictive voice made me want to go home and take care of patients who weighed much lighter than her. i was overwhelmed with a sense of self pity. i was thinking all sorts of negative things. it depressed me that i had such a big need to be complimented. it depressed me that i sometimes think it’s just about me.

i wanted to cry but did not have the luxury of time and privacy to do it.

so i bit my lips, gathered my wits together and told her i have no idea what i have said or done that extremely offended her. since she doesn’t want to let me know, i told her i had no intention of hurting her in any way, but since i already did, i sincerely apologize.

i was about to leave when she finally filled me in.

“you kept saying “it’s hard”. i know it’s hard to do things for me, but do you have to rub it in and say it in my face?”

i explained that i meant pulling the sheet. i explained, but she repeatedly said she felt bad. i explained, but she emphasized I made her feel bad. i explained, but she concluded it was just so bad. i gave up with the explanations, and concluded with further apologies.

she won’t have any of it.

it is not easy to reason with a person who feels like the whole world is trying to make her life miserable. she lost her husband a few months ago. she lost her mom a couple of months before that. she has two kids, one autistic. the other one, her sister would not take to the hospital to see her because she feels it is not good for him to see his mother in her sick state. then the cancer.

i totally get all that.

but still.

it is not easy to be “accused” of being mean. she made it sound like i go to work just to make sure i hurt at least one person.

obviously, i have issues.