if i don’t believe in the Bible’s ten commandments, i could have strangled her.

there is this particular commandment that says “thou (meaning I) shalt not kill. considering how an angry person becomes unbelivably, magically strong, only God knows where she would have ended if i did strangle her.

i am not usually cranky. usually. but i’m only human, and being in a room with a patient that talked and demanded attention for 12 hours made me loose it. she slept for a total of three hours, waking up every 15 minutes, saying the same nonsensical things. i was thinking it must be divine intervention that i was off for three nights, and on the next two nights that i was back, she was my patient again. maybe, the gods of patience education were trying to give me a lesson.

only 30 minutes before the PCA (patient care assistant) walked into the room to have her daily small talk with the “funny” patient, S yelled for water, “I”M THIRSTY, I’M THIRSTY, I’M THIRSTY! i got her a glass of water with ice, and she said she didn’t like it. i placed it at her table, and was just a few steps away when she sat up and threw the water on the floor. after 5 minutes, while the towel was still on the floor, the whole scene happened for the second time. still, she would occasionally yell that she is thirsty, just like she endlessly yelled that her name is S, that she is 23, that she is bleeding in her arm, and that she will divorce her husband.

at 0630, when my patience level was below zero, in came the VERY CARING PCA. ”are you are thirsty? okay, i’ll get you water.” she placed a straw on the pitcher and coached the patient to drink. she did drink and do what she was told, till she almost finished the whole pitcher. “oh, you OBVIOUSLY are VERY thirsty, i can see that. that’s why you do not pee, because you have no water. come on, drink some more.”

now, if the patient was actually not peeing, and did not put out 2 liters of urine in 12 hours, or have not drank 720 ml of water on my shift, because i was such an uncaring bitch who was extremely so lazy to carry my heavy ass to get water for her, i would have felt relieved that at last, a VERY CARING PCA was nice enough to do my job for me, and i would have sincerely thanked her for everything and called it a day.

but the whole yelling thing for 12 hours, gave me a larger than life headache and made me loose my supposed composure. on top of that, my other patient was a demented 79 year old woman who pointed her index finger at my face a number of times, threatening to curse to me till the day i die because i won’t let ler get out of the room to go to her imagined car, to pick up her imagined living parents. i was so frustrated with the malfunctioning human brains surrounding me, that i almost lost my own, almost believing that mental illness can rub off to one sane person in 24 hours.

it was not a surprise that her little implied self righteous message made me furious. really really furious. this is one of the few things that i absolutely hate about some of the people at work. when they say something, making it sound like they are the only ones with the ability and capacity to care. i hate people like them and i cannot, for the life of me stand them. they make me sick and they make me think about violent things. don’t you just want to get rid of these people?

only, i was thinking about the future of my kids, and how will they cope having a mother in prison.  if i end up being guilty of killing a VERY CARING PCA, the thought of talking to my little ones on the phone touching the glass that separates them from their criminal mother, put a little sense into my aching head. so, instead of pulling her hair in all direction, taking her eyes out of its socket, and kicking her nose till she breathes her last, all i said was: ”don’t say that, you don’t even know how much she drank and peed in my shift!”

to which, the VERY CARING PCA replied: “i did not say THAT.” almost whispering to herself. of course, she did not say that, she sounded it. man, it’s either i  read her correctly, or severe paranoia is the fruit of two nights of frustration.

i felt bad not for stopping her from continuously coaching the patient to drink water, because the patient robotically sucked at the straw that she shoved on her mouth, but i felt good sparing my hands of a VERY CARING PCA’s blood. however, my very own blood boiled when she actually had the gall to say goodbye to me when i said goodbye to the nurse next to her. she obviously thought saying goodbye was some sort of an apology. last time i checked, “goodbye” and “sorry” do not even rhyme.

well, VERY CARING PCA,
     i have no intention of talking to you ever again. i do not want people to say you are interacting with uncaring nurses like me. i remember exactly the very first time we met, when i joined you at the cafeteria table and you were waiting for your scheduled interview with the nurse manager. i vividly remember how you proudly related the stories you have about your previous job, and how you quit because all the RNs there do not know anything, and that they are all lazy. also, i remember you saying that you hate most of the RNs, because you think that they are mostly arrogant for thinking that just because they are RNs, they know better than you, when all they have ahead of you is their stupid license. imagine your shocked, flustered face when the other PCA who was with you softly told you i was an RN.
     i will not have anything to do with you ever. and i will defintely NOT care enough to give you water if you go crazy.
     but yeah, if i go crazy and ask for water, i can only wish a VERY CARING PCA like you, will be at my side giving me a pitcher of water till my abdomen distend and i end up feeling extremely bloated and more crazy. i won’t mind that at all. and since i am crazy, i’m sure one of the ten commandments will not apply to me and i can beat the living daylights out of you till you puke your guts out. i will not be labeled a criminal. because i’m crazy, and you can’t blame me for being crazy, right?

_____________

for the record, in my normal state of mind, i am not capable of any violent action. the above rant is overflowing with hyperbolic statements. i have no intention of strangling or killing anyone, i am just magniying my feeling of frustrations, and it proved to be cathartic. i will appreciate it if you think twice before you publish a hateful comment.