they were not my friends, but they were more than acquaintances. we used to work at the same hospital, and go to the same church back home. the guy is an orthopedic surgeon, and his wife, an ob-gyn. i saw them this weekend, and we exchanged the usual, expected, ”hello, how are you”. they told me they are here for a couple of weeks, for a break.

i, however, did not stop at the usual, expected ”i’m fine” polite response. i blabbed for a minute or two about how unhappy i am here, and how there is not a day i do not think of going home for good, because i can’t stand myself here, because work is so hard here, because having lived here for four years has turned me into this insensitive bitch that i never thought i am capable of becoming, because i am paid enough money here that i am now so materialistic instead of altruistic.

____________________

she is in her late 30s, and will get married next month. just before the edible underwears and ridiculously revealing negligees were opened, i exchanged hellos with the mother of the bridal shower host. she told me that her only son is getting married in canada too on that same week, so she will not be able to attend the wedding; then she asked the usual, expected, “how are you”.

again, i did not stop at the usual, expected “i’m fine” polite response. i blabbed for minutes about how unhappy i am here, and how there is not a day i do not think of going home for….

what is the matter with me?

it is not as if i was forced to come here. it is not as if the people at the american embassy in the philippines begged me, crying loudly, to come here. it is not as if a gun was pointed to my head, and i was harassed, my life threatened, if i do not come here.

i chose to fill up the application, pay the ridiculous processing fees, take the difficult exams. i did it, nobody forced me. not even one person.

i don’t know who i am anymore. i just know i am not who i was, before i came here.

i should get a grip of myself. i should give the usual, expected response to the usual, expected “how are you” question. i should put on that genuine looking smile, and tell everyone who is interested that my life has never been better. i should proudly explain that i live in this big 5 bedroom house now, i drive my own car, and i am insured for $500,000.00. i should further add that i have a few credit cards with credit limits beyond my imagination, and that i can actually get  a lot of things i have never even dreamed of having, and can now go to places i have only dreamed of going.

i should do that, instead of whining about how my life is now defined by my wants. i should not bore everyone with how it makes me sick that i have now pushed back the idea of helping other people financially. i should have the decency to keep it private that though i used to celebrate my birthday by buying little snacks and distributing it to the homeless, i now have been self debating between getting myself a bigger, better TV, or a fancier ipod. i should keep it a secret that though not having a backyard back home didn’t even bother me, i now feel sorry for myself for not having a little pond and a little fountain, and a matching outdoor furniture in my big backyard.

i should keep quiet. and save everyone the trouble of thinking why i am this ungrateful soul, who is selfless one day and selfish the next. 

i should keep quiet. and stop blaming america and the opportunities it gave me to earn more money. it is not the place, it is me. it is not the material things, it is my growing attachment to it.

i have changed, and not for the better. i look at the mirror and i do not like the woman looking back at me. that is a valid point of personal concern, but others don’t care.

i should keep quiet. and keep everything to myself. or go see a shrink, because now, i can actually afford one.

i should keep quiet. shut my big mouth up, and end all the nonsensical whining.

or…get a plane ticket, and go home already. geez

                                  _____________________________________

a clarification of sorts: lest some might think that i am swimming naked in a room full of money. let me make it clear: i am not. when i say i am being paid more than enough, i say it in reference to the fact that in my last job back home, before i left in 2002, i was paid $120.00 a month for a 40 hour/week work.
also, i only said i can afford a shrink because our insurance covers it, and the $20 co-pay sounds reasonable enough if i really need to see one.
another thing is, i am not living in a paid mansion, and i am not driving a fancy car. i described the house we have now as “big”, in comparison to the the 5 bedroom apartment where i used to live back home. the one which i shared with 17 other women, mostly nurses, because bedspace was the only thing we can afford to pay, considering our pay. besides, we still need to pay for the 8 year old house in the next 28 years, and there are still 53 monthly payments left for the car.
lastly, i don’t have cash lying idle in the bank, i can only afford big time holidays and purchases if i use my credit cards. as it happens, i am still unable to convince myself that i should do that, because i noticed that everytime i use my card, when the bill comes every month, they actually want me to pay for it. so, i still use my cards the old-fashioned way; you know, just spend what i can pay in full.
no, i am not rich as i might have implied.
just thought i should clear that up…