picture perfect
“May, i want THAT…”
i looked at the direction T was sort of longingly gazing, and the sight made me a little warm inside.
it was still visiting time, most of the doors were still open. the patient was on the first bed, just a few feet away from the nurse station. she was in her mid 70s, and he was in his late 70s. she had a stroke, and her left side was weak. he was on a chair next to her bed. his eyes, though tired and weary, were taking in everything that she was. she looked asleep, and he was stroking her hair, ever so gently, almost afraid that his touch will disturb her.
no words were spoken, but a million things were heard.
i hope we will make it through and stay like THAT…
“but i’ll never have it…i’ll never find THE ONE…” T’s words were almost whispered.
i asked her why not.
“because it’s too late. i already messed all the possibilities, and now i will never have THAT. not me, not ever.”
“T…he will come when you least expect him…”
“i’m serious May, you are lucky. i can see you and your husband having THAT in the future, but me? will i ever have THAT?”
“T…”
i gave her a little awkward hug. T is one of those good nurses. and although she may have occasional bouts of what she calls her “bitchy moods”, mostly when doctors or other nurses are not doing what is expected of them, i have no doubt you will consider it a blessing to be her patient if you ever become one.
“T…”
what was i supposed to say anyway? i was not only unprepared to see this side of T that i have never expected, but i actually do not have something sensible to say. i know what she meant, and i am not going to pretend that i didn’t get it.
i had nothing sensible to say. i don’t have any explanations. it is not like i have done something really grand in the past that made me deserving of a prize. and it is not like she was a totally hideous, mean woman undeserving to be loved.
i know a lot of people who are happy, and i know a lot of people who are lonely, based on the premise of loving and being loved. as far as i’m concerned, anyone who wants love, should be given the chance to experience it. love that is given, and taken. but it has never been black or white. it’s never because others are better, or others are worse. it is not like that at all.
it is just because a lot of things do not make sense. especially true love. the who and the why. who finds it. who doesn’t. why some find it, why some don’t.
it does not make sense to me that a lot of people who are seemingly capable of loving someone unconditionally, are never given the chance to meet that someone to share that love with, and receive it in return.
it does not make sense to me that in a world full of people who want to find real, lasting love, a lot of people end up with no one, and nothing.
if faithful, unselfish love makes our life more beautiful,
why is it that a lot of people are deprived of this beauty?
We see so much heartbreak in the hospital…..It;s funny how it isn’t always the patients who are going through it!
Comment by Jordan — July 19, 2006 @ 10:55 am
i often ponder your last question. still, i have no answer. but i can i tell you that i am holding out for “THAT,” too!
Comment by unsinkablemb — July 19, 2006 @ 8:28 pm
oh, i just loved this post. great question at the end..i wish i knew the answer to it.
Comment by kt — July 20, 2006 @ 11:12 am
May, that is a great question…what about those of us who HAVE it, and are thoughtless enough to give it up? someday i’ll get him back (i hope)
Comment by libby — July 20, 2006 @ 12:53 pm
ohhh libby.
that is the true tragedy… having something so precious and rare and amazing and LOSING it.
i will never get mine back, but i learned my lesson…
Comment by ladybug — July 20, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
Somebody once said something like: Perfect love is like pizza. Even when it’s not that good, it’s still pretty good.
But then again, good pizza is really like no other thing.
Comment by shrimplate — July 21, 2006 @ 4:47 pm
“I know a lot of people who are happy, and i know a lot of people who are lonely, based on the premise of loving and being loved.”
Well said.
Beautiful post.
Comment by Veronica — July 21, 2006 @ 5:28 pm
May, I really liked this post. I don’t know the answer to your question either. I do know that there are many people who hold back from taking that one step that might change their life.
Comment by Cathy — July 23, 2006 @ 3:22 am
Great post. I still want THAT and still hold out hope, but lately that lonliness has been SO present in my own mind. On my unit, being in neonatology, it seems like all the nurses are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I’m one of probably only a handful who are single. Sometimes it’s so depressing that I just can’t listen in on everyone else’s conversations about wedding plans and children and everything else. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. I’m very happy for them. I’m just so sad for me, too.
Hugz,
Carrie
Comment by Carrie — July 25, 2006 @ 8:53 pm
Hey Carrie, come work in my unit ,
We are mostly divorced or heading that way. We would envy YOU. I speak from experience, just because you are planning a wedding doesnt mean you are happy, it doesnt garentee that you have found THAT. Some people are good at acting , maybe to try and convince themselves that this is IT or THAT. anyway , dont jump in to something just to say your married or engaged. You can only fool yourself for so long. I visited a retirement community recently and these 80+ year old people still had a lot of love left to give, I hope it doesnt take me that long but I still have hope that it could still happen for me. Oh well I better go before i start to cry.
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