i always try to sleep before i go to work. today, instead of trying, i drove to MY park. it is a few miles away from our place. a little park on top of a hill, overlooking a little city. i left the boys playing with my in laws. i wanted a little “me” time, for no particular grand reason, but simply because i am just spoiled and selfish that way.

on  my way, i grabbed 8 books from the library. i expected to be alone, but there was a lady who was reading under a tree, and three toddlers being watched by a woman they called mommy. i  was disappointed, but it was beyond my control. i called it MY park because i feel like i own it, but that is not really true. it is actually a public park where i often take my kids to, even before they were born.

fay weldon said…”motherhood is to guilt as grapes are to wine”, i closed the book, thought about that line, and analyzed how true it is in my life sometimes. then, i dozed off. it must have been a few minutes of unconsciousness, which was interrupted, when i heard what seemed like a little heated exchange of words. then, a loud, angry, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I HAVE A WIFE, AND YOU ARE JUST MY GIRLFRIEND!?!”

i opened my eyes and saw a couple, about twenty feet away from me. the guy was sitting on the picnic table, his back in front of her. she was on the bench, looking up at him. the guy saw me look up, so the rest of their conversation became muffled, but still palpably heated.

the breeze was perfect, but i cannot go back to dreamland after overhearing a question like that. i imagined the guy going home to his wife tonight, telling her he had a boring lunch at work, when in fact he was at MY park, arguing with his angry girlfriend. “LIAR!” i told him under my breath. how dare him! i was surprised at the anger i felt for this guy, in behalf of his wife, who i imagined was overworked, and was overwhelmed with household responsibilities. i don’t know where it comes from, but my imagination is limitless when it comes to things like these. i would not even call it empathy, because honestly, it has no logical basis.

all of a sudden, i felt extremely hungry. i drove to nearest grocery store. got a 20 ounces diet pepsi to start with,  a six piece pack of california roll, a small pack of chicken jerky, and a pint of  ben and jerry. i returned the ben and jerry, after remembering that my tonsils are still slightly swollen from the small piece of baby ruth i ate at work two nights ago.

i went back to MY park, and was greeted by the careless laughter of the couple who ten minutes ago were at each other’s throat. they had definitely kissed and made up, were in a sweet, romantic embrace, whispering and laughing alternately. “LIAR!” i said under my breath, then i sat down to eat. the jerky was 95% fat free, but it has 950 million grams of sodium. the california rolls was spicy, and filling, but i ate all of it without thinking. as usual, diet pepsi quenched and satisfied.

i gathered my trash and paused. for some unknown reasons, i remembered yesterday’s lunch. with fish and rice, we also had salad. my little ones, just like most of the kids i know, do not want it. except of course, some of it. croutons for the older one, and olives for the younger one. we ended up fishing these for them, but they were not satisfied. the younger one was asking for more olives, but i firmly said no, smartly and authoritatively telling him how salty it was, and that he had enough. the older one knew better, and stopped asking for more croutons after i told him no for the third time.

looking at the empty bag of the sodium coated jerky, and the empty pepsi bottle, it dawned on me that i was no different from the man i self righteously called a liar. i lie to my kids. i eat healthy  in front of them, and do otherwise behind them. i lie to my husband. i tell him it does not bother me that i do not understand what his plans are, but in truth it drives me crazy. i lie to my in laws. i say it is good that they have time to look after the kids, but most of the times, i hate it that i do not have a say in some of the things i consider important when it comes to disciplining my own kids.

i lie everyday, and i have the audacity to call somebody a liar without flinching, like i am far better than him. the truth is, we speak the same language. i tell a different kind of lie, but a liar just the same. somehow, we are on different planes, but on the same ground.

i packed up my stuff, just after the couple got up. his hand around her shoulder, hers around his waist. they headed to their car, giggling. “LIAR!” i said under my breath, this time to myself.

this realization hit me hard to the point of losing my mood to go to work, but life is such…you go to work even if good mood does not go with you.

so, i’m off to work tonight, ready to lie again. i will tell a patient “it will be okay” when maybe, it will never be.