N: who is this? is this my mother’s nurse?

me: this is May. yes, i’m your mom’s nurse.

N: can you just tell me WHAT’S going on?

me: your mom is waiting for you to pick her up. she was discharged in the afternoon.

N: i know THAT. what i’m asking is her condition. how is she medically, and what happened to her there?

me: from what i got from report and the doctors’ notes, she was referred to a heart specialist and it was suggested that she needs a pacemaker. she is being discharged because she refused the procedure.

N: and you believe her? my mother is not in her right mind. you have no idea how much i love my mother. i love her so much that i wish i can be there with her all the time, but i am a very wanted person, and i cannot just leave my house and sit there next to her. what kind of person would just refuse something that will be good for her? don’t get me wrong, i love my mother very much, but she is not a very smart person. why do i have to find out about this at the time that she is being discharged? she has been there for four days, and i never got a call from anybody from YOUR hospital about what is going on with her. aren’t you paid good there? why is calling a patient’s daughter very hard to do for those who are being paid well? are you paid well? what’s your name again?

me: may.

N: are you not being paid good money to do your job? SO, why are you not doing your job? do you know how much i love my mother? i really do, but she is not a very considerate person. i am always at my wits end because i am taking care of her youngest son, my brother, who is retarded, and needs to be cleaned and fed all the time. he is 40, and my mother gave birth to him when she was 42. what kind of a person would do that? just have a baby without thinking? that is not a very wise thing to do, don’t you think?

me : (i don’t know, i’m confused…do you love your mother or you think you love her?)

N: anyway, why is she blind? why is she having heart problems? why?

me: (ummm…because she…okay, just tell me!)

N: she has the best health insurance coverage, but she is blind. and, she lost all her teeth years ago. why is that? she has good dental coverage, and she has no teeth…why is that? are you still there?

me: yes. i’m still here.

N: i am very upset about all this. my mother is not making things easier for me and for everyone involved in her life. i love her so much. and i’m stuck here doing everything for her, and i am not even being paid to do it. i take care of a retarded man and i am not being paid for it, but i still do my job. how about you there? aren’t you paid good money? why can’t you do your job? i call there everyday, and all i get, is this “your mom is doing okay, her vital signs are within normal, she has been sleeping and eating well…” what does that tell me about her condition?

me: i understand you are frustrated, and i cannot really speak for the nurses who have taken care of your mother in the past days, but if you left a message that you want a phone update about your mom’s condition, our docs usually make that call. if they knew that you have a power of attorney, i’m pretty sure they could have called you about their plan. what i can do for you now, is get the doctor to explain to you what those plans are, and then you can decide what you want to do next.

N: yeah, i am frustrated. anyway, my mother is blind and she lost all her teeth because she didn’t take care of herself. it’s as simple as that. she always wants her way. as i was saying, i have a power of attorney. i want her to have the pacemaker.

me: okay, all you have do is give a copy of that power of attorney to her doctor, so she can have the procedure.

N: what do you mean GIVE A COPY? i don’t carry documents in my pocket like an american express card. it’s in a box somewhere and i am pretty sure i will have no time to look for it. you think i just sit her and watch the time go by? i am a very busy person. i have a business, i have kids, i have grandkids, and don’t forget, i have a borther who my mother thought best to raise without thinking. and then…she will be home tonight.

me: (okay, are you saying you would have been happier if your mom had an abortion? is that what this conversation is all about?)

N: anyway, i want to talk to the doctor. does she even have a doctor? what’s her name? or his? do YOU even know?

me: yeah, her doctor is Dr. L, that’s her name.

N: for sure i have never met her. her name sounds so foreign.

me: what time do you usually come here? because they make their rounds in the morning, and her team is usually here till 5 in the afternoon.

N: go there? are you even listening? i have never been there. i have to take care of a 42 year old retarded man, this house, my kids, my grandkids, and my mother, who, as you might have already noticed, is really a handful, trying to do what she wants, without thinking of other people.

me: okay, when are you coming to pick your mom up? i can arrange for the on call doctor to be here when you come, so you can discuss your concerns about your mom.

N: i’ll be there in an hour, and a doctor SHOULD be there.

me: N, i’ll make sure you talk to the doctor. see you in an hour.

N: yeah, there better be a doctor when i get there.

CLICK.

me: (ouch. bye..)

i’m just saying…why go to a shrink when you can have free, over the phone couch session with your mother’s nurse?

now i know why P, N’s mom, asked me if she can stay.

“you’re not excited to go home?”

“well…i just like it here. is it okay if i eat my dinner before i leave? do you have time to feed me?”

she ate very slowly. when it was time for dessert, i already know about her 6 children, 14 grandchildren, and 20 great grandchildren, whose lives and stories made her voice twinkle.

and for the record, even if she is a blind, teethless, 82 year old woman, she is totally with it and is reasonable about her decision to refuse the pacemaker. but then again, i’m not really an expert in things like that. i’m just a nurse, who is is not doing my job, but is being paid good money.

seriously, i do feel for N, and i do understand why she is conflicted and drained. i wish i have a magic wand and make her resentments, her pains, and her regrets go away, but i don’t. i can only hope that my 10 minute conversation with her made her feel better.

when she finally arrived at midnight, she did everything, but look at me.after talking to the on call doctor, and confirming that she can arrange for the procedure after her mom sees her primary physician, i sent them off.  i stood in the hallway till they disappeared, feeling sorry that i was unable to tell N that she deserves a pat in the back for doing what she is, and has been doing. it’s a pity, because considering what she is going through, a little encouragement and recognition will not do her harm.