she wowed me with her exciting stories. i remember listening to her with my mouth open, thinking she was so awesome. i thought what she was doing was so incredible, that at an early age of five, i decided i wanted to be like her when i grow up.

my eldest sister was just in her last year of nursing school back then. already, she had all those endless, interesting stories. i never got tired of listening to her, and i spent a lot of times imagining myself in that crisp, white dress and that cap. “it is undescribable when you see you have done something to help someone, there is just no way to describe it”, she said. i tried putting myself into her shoes, but i didn’t really understand.

the moment i started doing my clinicals, and had my first encounter with patients, i knew.

i know that this is the place where i want to be, and these are the things that i want to do. the days of white dresses and caps are long gone, but the spirit of nursing is the same, and i had no doubt in my mind that i want it. that human connection after every patient-nurse interaction is indeed indescribable. it is difficult to accurately define the positive effects of all productive experiences, but that fact did not stop me from pursuing it. i know what i want, and i want to be there.

i want to give somebody a bath when they have no strength to do it on their own. i want to hold somebody’s hand, when they loose their balance. i want to listen to somebody who’s scared about their future. i want to listen to somebody who’s terrified about the unknown. i want to sit with somebody who knows the end is near. i may not always know what to do or say, but i know that if they need someone there, i want to be there.

i want to be there, to make a difference.

when i finish a shift and i know that i have been compassionate, it makes me happy. if i have given comfort by cleaning a patient, it satisfies me. in a sense, it completes me, because i know i am here for a reason. i may be an unidenfiable nothing in this immeasurable universe, but at one point in time, when i have done something for my patients and their families, i feel great. i had a dream i will help other people and touch their lives, but always, patients help me see things in a different way, and they end up touching my life. i am often humbled by this.

i am definitely living my dream and i should not complain, but for the past weeks, i have done nothing else.

i am always tired and it’s beginning to annoy me. i am caught in between getting that high of being able to give, and that low of getting sick because my body cannot cope. i have been advised to leave my unit and transfer to a place where there is not much repositioning, lifting, and cleaning up. and for almost three years now, i ignored everyone.

i love my job and i love working with majority of the people i work with. i won’t deny that there are a lot of times that i complain, mostly about my frustrations towards some of us who know nothing about caring or going the extra mile, but that does not mean i want to give up. there are patients and families whose attitude push me to the edge and demand more than the patience i can muster, and i will not be hypocritical about it and say that they warm my heart, because they don’t, but that doesn’t mean i hate what i do.

most of the times, on my way home from work, i have this smile on my face, and my heart is full. in a perfcet world, nothing else should matter. in reality, there is a catch…that kind of joy requires a price. in this case, a painful back, and a battered set of aching legs.

what do you do when are living your heart’s desire, but your body disagrees?

this is THE question. an ever present nagging thought i have ignored for quite a while now. this time, it is getting louder, and i am afraid that pretty soon, ignoring it will not be an option.

i am happy, but worn out. i am fulfilled, but tired. i am a satisfied soul trapped in a complaining, unsatisfied body. should i stop whining? or is my body telling me something?

my work lifts my spirit. my work drains my body. there is a debate, and sadly, each side has a valid point. personally, both are important. what do you do when a part of you contradicts another part of you?

which part do you listen to?