we did it because not doing it is not even an option. where i grew up, it is just done. to every male. period. decades ago, it was done by one old person without any medical training whatsoever, to boys ages 7-12.  later, the choice of having it done in the hospital anytime came up.

i admit we did not even do a research if it has medical/physical benefits or disadvantages. i admit we never thought it was something our boys have a say about. i admit that as a mother, i actually thought it was best that they have it early, when they have no complete awareness of the experience, than have it later, when there are social reactions or opinions to deal with. i admit that i never thought they will actually decide against it, and by doing it early, i spared them a lot of trouble, and therefore, i am doing it at their best interest.

i admit our decision was mainly based on culture, no more no less. i am a christian, but that is not why we did it.

i admit we just went ahead without much thought about how our boys will think or believe in the future. now, i know that some people are thinking we “just played God” by cutting off a part of our boys’ bodies, but believe me, that is so far away from the truth.

i’m talking about circumcision. and yes, i am telling the world we had both our kids circumcised before they came home from the hospital, when they were both a week old. yes, i cried at the thought of them being cut and having pain, but it never occured to me not to have it done. and yes, i thought it was just the paranoid and overprotective mother in me who worried about the pain, when i saw that either of them didn’t really flinch more when i cleaned them post procedure, more than they flinched when i  cleaned them after they pooped.

now, i may live in guilt for the rest of my life. with all the issues coming out of nowhere, as pointed out by one of the blogosphere’s respected pediatricians, other people now view my decision as questionable, and my intentions as debatable. it is never an issue in the philppines, where i came from, but it is an issue here, where the kids were born.

i now live in fear that somewhere in the future, one of my boys will come home, furious and eternally resentful that we did not wait till they reach the age of reason and let them decide what they want with their penises.

will telling my kids we did it because it is the only and best thing know about male babies when they were born be enough? will telling them i and their father decided on instinct and culture when we had it done be explanation enough? will they accept it to be reasonable, that we honestly thought that we were doing them a favor, would that be enough?

another respectable blogger/physician who happened to be a filipino pointed out very clearly that culture is reason enough. will that reasoning be enough for our kids? will they forgive us and say, “well…dad, mom, we hated it that you just thought about yourself and your culture, but we understand you now, and we are happy you did  something to remind us where we really came from.”

the idea that some people who don’t agree with our decision bothers me somehow, but it is not something i can’t handle. their animosity and judgment i can live with. however, the thought that my kids will hate me for the rest of their lives because i decided to do what i thought was best at the time i made that decision scares and pains me beyond words. meanwhile, there is no other way but to hope they will accept our explanations wholeheartedly in the future.

i don’t know, but it is in my best interest that i think this happy ending is possible. after all, i cannot undo what we have done, and i cannot live in guilt everyday and still be an effective parent.