October, 2006 Archive

do not be sensitive.
     i mean, if somebody says he cannot make out a word you say because of your heavy accent, don’t take it personally. it is more likely the truth, and although truth usually is hard to accept, it does not change the fact that it is still the truth. what is so wrong if another person does not clearly understand you? is that supposed to be embarassing? next time, speak clearly, ask if you are getting through, and acknowledge the fact that you will never be able to speak and sound like an american, because you were not born here.

     when you hear somebody comment about your thick accent, you call that being racist? come on, you should know better than that. know the definition and react appropriately. racism goes deeper and meaner than that. you have to look at yourself and admit that you are playing such a clear game of double standard here. what, you’ve never said you did not understand somebody else’s english ever? i don’t have to ask you for a confession here, because if you are being honest, you know that you have either thought or said you cannot make out a word another person said, simply because they speak english in a diferent way. does that make you a racist then?

     please. i don’t want to hear stories like this anymore. it is quite embarassing that you take other people’s matter of fact comment oh so personally, coat it with your insecurity, and make sure you let them know that you know how to deal with them unprofessionally.

     don’t be so sensitve. it is not all about you all the time.

be sensitive.
     i know you love fish. though not a lot of people know it, you came from an archipelago with 7,107 islands. you would rather eat fish than hamburger. everybody sort of gets that idea. thing is, not everybody gets the “sucking the eyeballs, savoring the brain, cooking the fish with its bones” part of your love of fish. 

      it is not illegal to eat like you do, but have some respect and limit this eating habits to a place, or within the company of people who are not disgusted at the sight of fish staring back at them. don’t give me that look and attitude like you think this country owes you something so you expect to get the admiration and acceptance you deserve even if you do things that nauseate and gross out some americans. if you work three times a week, do you have to plan your menu in such a way that you cook the stinkiest fish on the days you are at work, and eat veggies on your days off?

     please. i don’t want to hear stories from other nurses again who say they left one unit flooded with filipinos because they cannot stand the smell and the utter disrespect for their requests to limit the fish potlucks.

     be sensitive to the feelings of others. if they say they don’t really find the smell of your food amusing, have the decency to at least stop flaunting it at work. 

___________

for the record, i have nothing against filipinos who stand up for their rights. i do not agree with discrimination and racism, and i believe that in its real context, it should be addressed promptly and accordingly. however, there is a line you draw between being discriminated and being told the truth. there are better things to do than entertain our sensitive side to the point of just showing off that we have some sort of power. in my opinion, it is very unprofessional and shallow to prove a point, by having somebody fired, just to stroke our ego. there is no other way to say it, it is simply wrong.

but of course, i am aware people will disagree. 

as for the fish. i don’t really see the sense in statements like: “so what if they don’t like the smell, i don’t care if they eat their burgers, they should just leave me alone. i don’t care if the smell and the sight grosses them out, i have a right to eat whatever i want.” for me, this is so wrong in so many levels. i am not ashamed to say i enjoy sucking fish eyes and eating fish brains, but it is another thing to subject people who absolutely find the idea appalling to the spectacle that they find extremely unthinkable. much more so if they have outright told you that they cannot tolarate any ot it. it is one thing to value your cultrue, it is yet another thing to disrespect other people just to prove you are entitled to do whatever, wherever.

but then again, that is just me, and that is just my unpopular opinion.

the filipinos have a lot of admirable traits. we’ve been commended for being hard working. people all over the world entrust their loved ones into our care, from nannies of children to caregives of elders, to nurses of the sick. there must be a serious sense of trust that other people feel towards us for giving us that responsibility even if they do not really know us. we value our integrity and we can adjust quite smoothly to any circumstance. heartwarming stories of people who have fond memories of the filipinos they have met make me proud to be one.

why don’t we magnify those admirable traits, instead of making a needless point? why don’t we show the world we can embrace our uniqueness, instead of trying to prove we can be just like them? why don’t we value our culture in a way that is not disrespectful of others’ feelings, instead of making an issue about having that sense of entitlement to everything?

there is no reason for us to be an embarassment to our country.

i don’t know with you, but i want to be remembered as the filipnio worker who knows what she was doing, was good in doing it, and was good in doing it with others. i don’t want to be remembered as a smug, inconsiderate but overly sensitive bitch who acted like the world owes me something.

but then again, that’s just me, and i can’t speak for all the filipinos everywhere.
    

when i floated to the medical surgical ICU a few nights ago, i was given three non ICU patients waiting for step down bed availability. two males broke different kinds of bones from vehicular accidents. she was the third on my list. to say that her story affected me in a deep, disturbing way is defintiely an understatement.

she can’t see but she seemed to know when i was with my other patients. a few times, she stood up, walked slowly, and went around the room aimlessly. she was still a little bit unsteady, and didn’t really have that clear concept of space, it was pretty scary to see her going through the motions.  i thanked my lucky stars she never fell.

18 years old. her eyelids shut, her eyes, gone. just like that. the history i got from report was that she was relaxing in their front porch when a car drove by. gunshots were heard. and she was hit. two bullets. one in her right hip, one in her head. the one in her hip was not that bad, but they had to do craniotomy to remove the one in her head, and remove both her eyes, which the doctors were unable to save.

that night, she was a day away from discharge, for rehabilitation. finally, for artificial eye placements.

nothing about it made sense so i stopped figuring it out. it didn’t matter if the shooter hated her for something, or was just trying to practice his shooting skills. it didn’t matter if it was random or planned. one thing that mattered is the truth that somebody can just mess up someone’s life just like that. like life has no value. like life has no meaning, irrelevant.

above all, what really  mattered was the horrible fact that a few days ago, she knew what a beautiful day looked like, but now she doesnt. just like that.

i am trying so hard to get this out of my mind, but i can’t. i just can’t. i keep thinking a million different thoughts, and nothing is pleasant. the colors, the sights, the beauty, all gone. just like that. and her parents? let’s not even go there, because the sight of her mom and dad at the bedside trying to comfort her and each other just blew me away, i am terribly bothered. it kept popping up in my mind like a tragic movie, it made me sick. 

i mean, where do you get the strength to bear a pain such as this? how do you start living after a senseless thing like this? it is almost unthinkable.

it is official. our world is getting sicker, we are getting hopeless, helpless.

we have to get out of here. soon.

the thought bothered and disturbed me. it kept me awake for weeks.

“you better stop making a big deal out of it and sign it now”

octobers are so predictable. it is getting chilly, and watching the sunrise is beginning to get boring.

“i have given you a lot of time to think about this. you are in denial, and i cannot waste my days waiting like this. it’s just a divorce paper, stop crying like somebody died or something.”

i thought somebody dying would probably be easier, but that thought just made me feel guilty. what kind of a person wishes for somebody’s death anyway? how can he say it is “JUST” divorce? what does that mean? it sounds to me like that means something, and at the same time, it means nothing. “JUST”? just nine years? just three kids? just a marriage? just a life? just like nothing?

“there is nothing to explain. it’s the way it is. people fall in love, people fall out of love. i don’t love you anymore, and i don’t know why it is so hard for you to understand that.”

it’s not really that i do not understand, it is more like a shock. a revelation. both, at the same time. shock because i didn’t know it could be this fast. revelation because i just didn’t think he had it in him.

“okay. i’m glad this is all over. i will really appreciate it if you just stay out of my life, let’s keep it simple.”

just like that. a piece of paper, a pen, a signature. nine years. gone.

_________________

i didn’t know it could be that easy. it has been a year since i signed that paper. i didn’t know i had it in me, but i know now.

how could he be so stupid? how could he have not noticed? how could he be so vulnerable and marry her in such a hurry? not that it is important, but sometimes, i do want to say thanks to that little imp. she was the perfect bait. i mean, after all, if not for her, i will still be stuck in that boring, crappy marriage. if not for that woman, i don’t really know how to get rid of him in a nice way. not that there is a nice way, but the thought did cross my mind. now, freedom from guilt, from blah, from blame.

_________________

“i’m sorry. the pain i caused you and our kids, i can never forgive myself.”

a suicide note. a life cut short. an unexpected, sudden loss.

_________________

the supposed end of guilt. yet, also the beginning.
a secret i will continue to keep.
and try to forget.
how?  
his untimely death will painfully remind me of him…

an innocent victim of a lie told in silence.

__________________

fiction.
(i did try to write it better, but who am i kidding?) 
written to join an interesting idea started by Cathy.

go and check out all the other posts:

Cathy, from “Cathy’s Rants and Ramblin’s”

Mary Anne from “Life in Qualicum Beach”

Dr. Jordan from In My Humble Opinion

Wolfbaby from “Dreaming and Believing”

Moof from “A Moof’s Tale”

Kim from “Emergiblog”

KT from “Kt Living”

Difficult Patient from “Ripple of Hope “

Amy from Badge Bunny ?

Jasmin from Shadow Writer

Empress Bee (Of the High sea)

PK from Pearls and Dreams

The Laundress from Dirty Laundry

The Wandering Author of The Unending Journey Of The Wandering Author

Amin from Write-Now

Who Wouda Thunk It From Another Day In Paradise

Brian from Truth is Freedon

At Your Cervix (R.N.) from At Your Cervix

Dr. A. From Dr. Anonymous

Ipanema from Under The Canopy

they are not difficult to single out.

patients, i do not want to warn you about them, but i want you to know they are there. they won’t totally ruin your life, but they will affect you indirectly. new nurses, be on your guard and be quick to identify them, they can make your nursing life miserable, you are better off avoiding them. i don’t know if their presence makes a difference or not, but i do know that the hospital is not exactly a better place just because they are there.

i’m talking about the nurses who are totally convinced it is uncool to be a nurse, but being a doctor is totally hot. they walk and talk like doctors, assuming the walking and talking will do it all for them. i am clueless as to why they chose to be nurses, but it is annoying that they proudly sign “RN” after their names, but do not act respectably so.

they give other nurses report, unnoticing the meds that were not started, although ordered hours ago, because they can’t get over the fact that the doctors did not order a CT to confirm a diagnosis. they say they forgot to order your dose of tube feeding, or that they had no time to insert a catheter, because they can’t believe how pointless it was to send a patient for MRI when a different, much appropriate diagnostic test could have been done. they bombard the outgoing nurses with pathphysiology issues, unconcerned about the patient’s present needs.

most of the times, the patients they pass on to the incoming nurses are either filthy or simply unhappy. they had no time to check, if the patient is wet or hurting, believing that it is more important to follow the consultants around so they can argue the cons of the meds and tests that were ordered. you seldom hear them say something nice about the doctors, because they have this “duh, all of them are really stupid!” attitude towards them.

if they have something in abundance, it is the litany of things they know better and the sarcasm they lavish on the unsuspecting MDs when they are not around, sighing at the fact that they have no idea how some of them doctors became doctors.

i tell you, i am tired of this kind of nurses, and i go straight to my deaf and mute mode once i spot them. believe me, i can spot them from a mile away, and can even smell their sickening, superior, all knowing attitude from a distance. their remarks to demean doctors, though said behind the doctors’ back irritate and disgust me, i literally do not want to have anything to do with them.

i don’t know what to call them, but “bitter RNs” sounds fitting. well then…

bitter RNs,

i am not impressed by your overflowing brain cells. i don’t care if you’re smarter than einstein. i am not interested in your list of complaints about how moronic the doctors are. i have no energy to go through all the nonsensical irrelevant “mistakes” you discovered.

what i care about is my patient. i care about the fact that you left a patients with wet, soiled gown, because that makes the patients uncomfortable. i care about the fact that you have not started any of the ordered meds just because you had no time to check if they are available, because i think it is important that the patients get their meds. i care about your incomplete documentation, because it could cause errors. i care about the fact that you are an expert in ignoring call lights, because i know the patients call if they need help or alarms are going off. i care about your ability to make poop invisible by ignoring  a soaked diaper, because that makes the patient’s butt sore.

if you are so unhappy about the growing percentage of incompetent doctors, and you are way too smart to be a mere RN…i suggest you:

put your foot in your mouth,
get a student loan,
go to med school,
show the medical world what it is that makes a real smart MD,

…then pray to all the Gods of Karma that you do not, never ever, meet a nurse like yourself!

although i am terrified at the idea of you becoming a doctor, because heaven knows what sort of degrading and humiliating names you will call the nurses, i still urge you to:

hurry up,
get that diploma,
write that MD after your name, 
DO NOT renew your RN license, 

…and stop being an embarassment to the nursing profession.

_________

my apologies, but 12 hours of nonstop doctor put downs by one RN, seconded by one all knowing monitor tech who is actually contemplating going to med school ruined my night. i don’t want it to ruin my day, so i blog away.