when i floated to the medical surgical ICU a few nights ago, i was given three non ICU patients waiting for step down bed availability. two males broke different kinds of bones from vehicular accidents. she was the third on my list. to say that her story affected me in a deep, disturbing way is defintiely an understatement.

she can’t see but she seemed to know when i was with my other patients. a few times, she stood up, walked slowly, and went around the room aimlessly. she was still a little bit unsteady, and didn’t really have that clear concept of space, it was pretty scary to see her going through the motions.  i thanked my lucky stars she never fell.

18 years old. her eyelids shut, her eyes, gone. just like that. the history i got from report was that she was relaxing in their front porch when a car drove by. gunshots were heard. and she was hit. two bullets. one in her right hip, one in her head. the one in her hip was not that bad, but they had to do craniotomy to remove the one in her head, and remove both her eyes, which the doctors were unable to save.

that night, she was a day away from discharge, for rehabilitation. finally, for artificial eye placements.

nothing about it made sense so i stopped figuring it out. it didn’t matter if the shooter hated her for something, or was just trying to practice his shooting skills. it didn’t matter if it was random or planned. one thing that mattered is the truth that somebody can just mess up someone’s life just like that. like life has no value. like life has no meaning, irrelevant.

above all, what really  mattered was the horrible fact that a few days ago, she knew what a beautiful day looked like, but now she doesnt. just like that.

i am trying so hard to get this out of my mind, but i can’t. i just can’t. i keep thinking a million different thoughts, and nothing is pleasant. the colors, the sights, the beauty, all gone. just like that. and her parents? let’s not even go there, because the sight of her mom and dad at the bedside trying to comfort her and each other just blew me away, i am terribly bothered. it kept popping up in my mind like a tragic movie, it made me sick. 

i mean, where do you get the strength to bear a pain such as this? how do you start living after a senseless thing like this? it is almost unthinkable.

it is official. our world is getting sicker, we are getting hopeless, helpless.

we have to get out of here. soon.