older, not better
there must be a reason why i beat myself up this much when i make stupid mistakes.
i won’t elaborate on the error, but i will say i am the only one who considers it a big deal. i called the doctor, who did not even want to do anything but observe the patient. i told the charge nurse that i will write the incident report before i clock out, but she shrugged the idea by saying it was not necessary, especially because the doctor didn’t want to do anything anyway, and clearly, the patient is fine.
i just called the unit to check on the patient, and the day RN nonchalantly informed me that everything is okay and the patient is doing great.
at the back of my mind i know this is true, i did not do something terrible that could possibly kill the patient. but i can’t get it off my mind and i am beginning to hate the idea that i sadistically punish myself by magnifying minute, unimportant things just to activate my guilt center.
it’s not as if i have this overwhelming desire to be perfect and be given the plaque that says i am being recognized as the superwoman who never makes mistakes, because believe me, i know the truth, and being perfect is not how i want to be remembered.
i want to stop beating myself up for stupid, little mistakes. i want to be nicer to myself, but it seems that as i get older, it is getting harder. is this a normal phase in a woman’s road to growing older, or should i consider professional help?
You’re human May. We make mistakes. Unfortunately when dealing with other people’s lives we tend to put alot of [necessary] pressure on ourselves. You’re a good nurse no question about that. You’ve got an enormous amount of compassion and sympathy for the job and the people you encounter. Anyone in your care is lucky to have you. That being said-whatever happened, maybe it will give you reason to pause for a second. Again, we’ve all made mistakes and things happen. Reading this reminded me of the day I gave the right patient the wrong medicine during surgery. I felt horrible, but my doctor said “It really wasn’t a big deal”. I felt guilty for days afterwards and confessed to the patient what I had done and was prepared to deal with it, but she understood knowing…I am human. Just like you.
Comment by kimmyk — November 6, 2006 @ 4:42 pm
May, you are human. We all screw up sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Learn from your mistake and move on. No one was harmed. No one but you thought it was a big deal. You are a good nurse and a very compassionate person. Everything will be all right.
Comment by Janet — November 6, 2006 @ 6:22 pm
May, from your blogs I feel you are a great nurse ! as the last commenter said, we all make mistakes..
Thanks…
I think it shows something that you ARE worried about it & not just saying “whatever,no one got hurt”!
On another note, I wanted to ask your advice….i’m in my first semester of nursing school…it’s to the point we are all like, I didn’t know I needed to know so much as a nurse!!!… it all seems so overwhelming…how did you get through it & does the knowledge slowly sink in??
BTW, I shared your site & the blog on the man w. dentures w. my nursing student friends…it was great!
Comment by Lori — November 7, 2006 @ 4:32 am
It isn’t as if you dropped an ax on a patient’s head.
Not that such a thing would be so bad really. Depends on who, I suppose.
Comment by shrimplate — November 7, 2006 @ 7:04 am
I can totally understand. I think it’s part of being a nurse. We realize how easily we could hurt someone by a wrong medication…and it is very scary to think how easy it would be to do. So even when you make a little mistake it brings that message home to you. I have made a few, too. They still haunt me, though the patient wasn’t hurt. One time I gave 40 of Oxycontin instead of 10 of Oxycodone… for the last 10 years I have been compulsive about giving those two meds. For some wierd reason Oxycodone and Oxycontin get mixed up in my mind!
Anyhow, just wanted to say…I know how you feel. It makes you a good nurse, but it’s not easy for you. I know.
Comment by rnrealnurse — November 7, 2006 @ 9:20 am
Here’s the acid test I use when judging my own errors:
Did anyone die?
If the answer is no, I learn from my mistakes and move on. It’s good that you are a conscious nurse, however, life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
Comment by Mother Jones RN — November 7, 2006 @ 3:31 pm
This is a weakness that would somehow sound really good in a job interview. This is actually a strength. Ensures you won’t make the same mistake again. Quite sad though. I notice women when they get “older” have this tendency. I’m not being sexist here, so perhaps men too. LOL. Love your blog!!! Thanks, May.
Comment by howling — November 8, 2006 @ 7:15 am
You know the other day I made a really stupid mistake as well. The doctor said it wasn’t a big deal, but I still have to fill out the incident report. The only thing he did was order another lab for the following day. I was fighting tears back all day and I come home and felt horrible. My mistake was in no way life threatening, but I was beating myself up for being so stupid. I asked the doctor the next day how the patient was and he said that the lab result returned a little high, but normal.
I am telling you think because I don’t think getting frustrated over errors has anything to do with being older… I think it has to do with being a good nurse. I am a new nurse and I felt like I should have known better and I sure that had I made the mistake in 10 years I would be just as frustrated.
We care because we are good nurses and even good nurses make mistakes.
Comment by nurse m — November 8, 2006 @ 8:13 am
oh may, i do know that guilt feeling. saying “i’m just human” doesn’t take that immediate sting away.
but know you are a good nurse. the patient is fine and now there is only learning that needs to be done.
Comment by kt — November 8, 2006 @ 9:27 am
Hey, May,
I recently experinced giving a huge over dose of a drip med, one that is not commonly used in my MICU. the doc gave a verbal order (pt came to our unit as a train wreck, btw, but my guilt remains) of one rate, everybody heard it, was confirmed after I mixed the dang thing and then ran it with his stated rate. six hours later, the pharmacist comes to us and says, you realise this is only for active bleeding….. well, I began to cry when it hit me.
The unwritten rule for us nurses is that we are to be that buffer between the patient and the doctor. What happened here is that I didn’t do a complete gut check as I did think something wasn’t right about that drip rate, but because the b/p was so incredibly low i wrote it off but didn’t follow up. I don’t think my age is the issue here, or yours for that matter, it’s being a conscientious nurse. It is very scary to be admitted into a hospital, error potential is everywhere. my eyes are still sore from crying, I left a msg on my manager’s voice mail that I could quit now, in 2 weeks or at the end of this schedule. I truly know what you are going thru, May.
Comment by feeling my age — November 8, 2006 @ 8:41 pm
I’m 52 years old and since hitting my 50’s I think I’m finally settling into my skin and accepting myself for who I am. I spent so many years trying to please everyone BUT myself…now I don’t sweat the little things anymore. Life is too, too short. And a scary health issue that hit me at the beginning of this year also taught me a valuable lesson in taking time to slow down and smell the roses. We make mistakes, we face them, deal with them, and move on. Ain’t none of us perfect, May, least of all me. But I totally understand, believe me.
Comment by MissKris — November 19, 2006 @ 3:07 pm