Comments on: rated R http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html a nurse blog. Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:42:57 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.7 by: Travel Search Engines http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-62860 Sun, 04 Nov 2007 15:49:46 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-62860 <strong>Travel Search Engines</strong> I couldn't understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting Travel Search Engines

I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting

]]> by: Leslie http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5188 Sat, 30 Dec 2006 00:13:57 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5188 Who knows what is "normal". Who decided? I guess that if one partner is not satified then there is a problem but does that make things "abnormal"? I've been married for 16 years. We are both on antidepressant medication which interferes with sex drive and causes some mechanical problems. We have gone 3 months before without sex but we always end up trying again. We've come up with a number of solutions to help with the mechanical problems and well, the sex drive...we're both very patient. Who knows what is “normal”. Who decided? I guess that if one partner is not satified then there is a problem but does that make things “abnormal”? I’ve been married for 16 years. We are both on antidepressant medication which interferes with sex drive and causes some mechanical problems. We have gone 3 months before without sex but we always end up trying again. We’ve come up with a number of solutions to help with the mechanical problems and well, the sex drive…we’re both very patient.

]]> by: Ursa Minor http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5047 Tue, 26 Dec 2006 18:07:12 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5047 I'm totally with Joe. I've been in a relationship where my partner suffered from bouts of depression, and during those times, there was absolutely no sex. Everything else in our relationship was great, even with my partner's depression, but he just wasn't interested. I struggled with this for quite a while, because it's really hard to accept the fact that there's not much you can do about it (and that it's not your fault or that your partner doesn't find you attractive or whatever). The turning point for me finally came when i sat down with my partner--<i>outside of the bedroom</i>--and we talked about how i was feeling and how he was feeling and what it all meant. (And for the record, i know he wasn't cheating on me, nor is he gay, and if i'd raised any insinuations of such we never would have been able to have an open conversation about the true issues.) Depression is a difficult thing to even talk about, much less admit to. My advice to your friend is to take a deep breath and think about all of the things in their relationship that are important to her, and that she's happy with. Then she should sit down and talk to her husband--again, outside of the bedroom--some time when they both can give the subject their undivided attention. She should express how she feels (and i'm with Joe on the "i" and "we" statements), but i don't think she should hit him with "are you gay?" or "are you cheating on me?" because those are likely to put him on the defensive regardless of whether or not they're true. If he can't talk about it, then they have a problem in their marriage and should seek counseling--even if it's just her, or they each go to individual counseling. And she should evaluate how important sex is to her--does not having sex often outweigh the good things in their relationship? For me, i was able to accept that nookie wouldn't happen all that often, but it was okay because i was in a strong, solid, committed relationship and i was very happy with everything else. However, i also had a partner who was very good at communicating and was able to discuss the issue with me. Hope that helps. I’m totally with Joe. I’ve been in a relationship where my partner suffered from bouts of depression, and during those times, there was absolutely no sex. Everything else in our relationship was great, even with my partner’s depression, but he just wasn’t interested. I struggled with this for quite a while, because it’s really hard to accept the fact that there’s not much you can do about it (and that it’s not your fault or that your partner doesn’t find you attractive or whatever). The turning point for me finally came when i sat down with my partner–outside of the bedroom–and we talked about how i was feeling and how he was feeling and what it all meant. (And for the record, i know he wasn’t cheating on me, nor is he gay, and if i’d raised any insinuations of such we never would have been able to have an open conversation about the true issues.)

Depression is a difficult thing to even talk about, much less admit to. My advice to your friend is to take a deep breath and think about all of the things in their relationship that are important to her, and that she’s happy with. Then she should sit down and talk to her husband–again, outside of the bedroom–some time when they both can give the subject their undivided attention. She should express how she feels (and i’m with Joe on the “i” and “we” statements), but i don’t think she should hit him with “are you gay?” or “are you cheating on me?” because those are likely to put him on the defensive regardless of whether or not they’re true.

If he can’t talk about it, then they have a problem in their marriage and should seek counseling–even if it’s just her, or they each go to individual counseling. And she should evaluate how important sex is to her–does not having sex often outweigh the good things in their relationship? For me, i was able to accept that nookie wouldn’t happen all that often, but it was okay because i was in a strong, solid, committed relationship and i was very happy with everything else. However, i also had a partner who was very good at communicating and was able to discuss the issue with me.

Hope that helps.

]]> by: Joe http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5037 Tue, 26 Dec 2006 11:58:22 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-5037 Two things, from experience...1) Perhaps there is something else wrong that has nothing to do with sex. Take a look at other aspects of the relationship...are the bills getting paid...how's the employment situation...what other sort of "outside stressors" exist? I know this may sound stupid in this day and age, but if a man doesn't feel like he is providing adequately for the family then he doesn't always feel like a man (especially if he knows his partner is not satisfied with ther sex life--makes him feel even less like a man) This brings me to point number 2) Depression: Take it from someone who "hid" all the signs of clinical depression from his family for years. I know what it feels like (and hope to never feel that way again) When you are in a depressed state emotionally, the last thing you want is sex. And, the last thing you want to do is admit there is smoething wrong with your sex life--just ads to more depression. I'm not saying this is what is going on, but I do know from a man's point of view this is what was happening when I was the cause of "not enough sex in the marriage." If you are a nurse, or have any other experience with specialized communication skills use them. The most effective way is to put the situation in terms of "I" or "me" or "we" (the word "we" lets him know it is not just being blamed on him) instead of saying "you." If it is depression, then he is probably very self focused right now. Using the "I" or "me" thing will help divert some of that. Good luck with this. Two things, from experience…1) Perhaps there is something else wrong that has nothing to do with sex. Take a look at other aspects of the relationship…are the bills getting paid…how’s the employment situation…what other sort of “outside stressors” exist? I know this may sound stupid in this day and age, but if a man doesn’t feel like he is providing adequately for the family then he doesn’t always feel like a man (especially if he knows his partner is not satisfied with ther sex life–makes him feel even less like a man) This brings me to point number 2) Depression: Take it from someone who “hid” all the signs of clinical depression from his family for years. I know what it feels like (and hope to never feel that way again) When you are in a depressed state emotionally, the last thing you want is sex. And, the last thing you want to do is admit there is smoething wrong with your sex life–just ads to more depression.

I’m not saying this is what is going on, but I do know from a man’s point of view this is what was happening when I was the cause of “not enough sex in the marriage.”

If you are a nurse, or have any other experience with specialized communication skills use them. The most effective way is to put the situation in terms of “I” or “me” or “we” (the word “we” lets him know it is not just being blamed on him) instead of saying “you.” If it is depression, then he is probably very self focused right now. Using the “I” or “me” thing will help divert some of that.

Good luck with this.

]]> by: Ferdz http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4993 Mon, 25 Dec 2006 10:31:27 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4993 Hmm since he seems to be physically able to rise into the situation not putting any thoughts there but he might be getting sex in the past 3 months but not form her. Or he may have mental or emotional problems as well also... madaming iniisip hehe Hey Merry Christmas! Hmm since he seems to be physically able to rise into the situation not putting any thoughts there but he might be getting sex in the past 3 months but not form her. Or he may have mental or emotional problems as well also… madaming iniisip hehe

Hey Merry Christmas!

]]> by: NPs Save Lives http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4982 Sun, 24 Dec 2006 23:41:42 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4982 Sounds like there's a problem to me. Could be another woman/man, or he's realized that he's gay. Maybe sex isn't as important anymore due to a medical condition. Sad situation but she needs to determine whether he wants to remain married and decide whether the terms are acceptable or not. Sounds like there’s a problem to me. Could be another woman/man, or he’s realized that he’s gay. Maybe sex isn’t as important anymore due to a medical condition. Sad situation but she needs to determine whether he wants to remain married and decide whether the terms are acceptable or not.

]]> by: shrimplate http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4969 Sun, 24 Dec 2006 17:58:08 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4969 I too would advise some sort of counseling even if she has to go by herself, which I suspect will be the case. The great Ben Franklin once said that "sex is like pizza; even when it's not that good, it's still pretty good." So yes, something is wrong if a married person cannot have some of their emotional needs met by a partner who is making themselves absent. And no, Ben Franklin didn't say that. Actually he didn't like pizza and he had a nasty habit of falling to sleep immediately afterwards, or so I have been told. I too would advise some sort of counseling even if she has to go by herself, which I suspect will be the case.

The great Ben Franklin once said that “sex is like pizza; even when it’s not that good, it’s still pretty good.”

So yes, something is wrong if a married person cannot have some of their emotional needs met by a partner who is making themselves absent. And no, Ben Franklin didn’t say that. Actually he didn’t like pizza and he had a nasty habit of falling to sleep immediately afterwards, or so I have been told.

]]> by: paul http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4939 Sun, 24 Dec 2006 00:17:00 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4939 Well, I will chime in and say I'm not sure what "normal" is, but this is not normal. Due to my job, I have had quite a few conversations with folks around this issue... and normal is best defined as what gives "life" to the marriage... as agreed upon by the couple. It would be interesting to know his background and his expectations of what marriage should be... I would start with a physical. Okay, you are a nurse... so I won't pretend to know more about this than you, but there could be a lot in this department. Depression, ED, diabetes, etc. Also, many men experience a huge drop in sex drive in their late 30s. This seems to be an easy thing to get him to do... at least easier than counseling. Then I would look at the relationship. I didn't get the sense as to whether she felt the relationship was good beyond the sex. Also, it would be interesting to know his work, her work, kids, etc. Although he is against counseling, I wonder if there is a guy friend he would talk to? You are right... this is really difficult. I'm actually glad you didn't offer her easy answers. And "helpful" does always not mean you solve the problem, but you walk with her through it. BTW, hope you don't mind my comments. I stumbled on your blog through another blog linked to yours. Well, I will chime in and say I’m not sure what “normal” is, but this is not normal. Due to my job, I have had quite a few conversations with folks around this issue… and normal is best defined as what gives “life” to the marriage… as agreed upon by the couple. It would be interesting to know his background and his expectations of what marriage should be…

I would start with a physical. Okay, you are a nurse… so I won’t pretend to know more about this than you, but there could be a lot in this department. Depression, ED, diabetes, etc. Also, many men experience a huge drop in sex drive in their late 30s. This seems to be an easy thing to get him to do… at least easier than counseling.

Then I would look at the relationship. I didn’t get the sense as to whether she felt the relationship was good beyond the sex. Also, it would be interesting to know his work, her work, kids, etc. Although he is against counseling, I wonder if there is a guy friend he would talk to?

You are right… this is really difficult. I’m actually glad you didn’t offer her easy answers. And “helpful” does always not mean you solve the problem, but you walk with her through it.

BTW, hope you don’t mind my comments. I stumbled on your blog through another blog linked to yours.

]]> by: kimmyk http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4908 Sat, 23 Dec 2006 03:44:32 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4908 Sounds like he might be getting it somewhere else. Or he's gay. Sounds like a major breakdown in communication though that's for sure. Incase I don't get to talk to you May....Merry Christmas to you and your family! Sounds like he might be getting it somewhere else. Or he’s gay.

Sounds like a major breakdown in communication though that’s for sure.

Incase I don’t get to talk to you May….Merry Christmas to you and your family!

]]> by: Anonymous http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4906 Sat, 23 Dec 2006 03:05:47 +0000 http://www.aboutanurse.com/2006/12/rated-r.html#comment-4906 This might be helpful for her: http://www.troubledwith.com/LoveandSex/A000000735.cfm?topic=love%20and%20sex%3a%20sexual%20dissatisfaction%20in%20marriage This might be helpful for her: http://www.troubledwith.com/LoveandSex/A000000735.cfm?topic=love%20and%20sex%3a%20sexual%20dissatisfaction%20in%20marriage

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