user
she was walking around the room half naked.
it is mean to say she smelled, but that was the fact.
i finally lost all reasons in trying to deny her need for restraints. i gave her the special ativan-after-haldol concoction. in a few minutes, she was out. out enough to give me a chance to clean her up.
i was not able to read her medical history thoroughly. all i know is that she was a long time cocaine user. found drowsy at her house after obviously using what seemed like a lot of cocaine, she was brought to the ER with BP of 220/120. she was in the ICU for five days, before she was transferred to us, with some kind of a stroke that left her left side slightly weak.
after over four hours of running after her, she got me thinking. when i rushed to her room everytime she yelled, she got me thinking. when my legs ached and my back hurt, she got me thinking. when it terrified me to think she might drop on the floor, crack her head, or die on me, she got me thinking…
if people (like her) decide to do something (like drugs) that can possibly hurt them and people who love them…
what is the point in stopping them?
i would like to think we all want the people we love to live a healthy, happy life. to say it is extremely painful to watch somebody ignore that, and just disregard every possibility of increasing their life expectancy is an understatement.
but…
what can we do? they are thinking beings, and they clearly have the right to choose. if their choice is to waste their lives, what can we do?
when it is not enough that we have that spirit of “never giving up” on them, what else can we do?
when we have done everything we know we should and can do, but they still choose to waste their lives, what else can we do?
when we are done (if that is at all possible) blaming ourselves, for not doing more, for not being kinder, for not being nicer, and for not being there, what else can we do?
would it be cruel to “wash our hands” and just stop caring?
can we actually stop caring?
i looked at her. her two hands were strecthed on her sides, restrained with ties secured in bed. talking, but senseless. dressed, but undignified. alive, but lifeless.
i felt bad for her. she must have had a lot going on in her life that threw her off the edge. she must be in a lot of stress. whatever it is, she must have a reason for trying to get high, to forget.
on the other hand, i confess that i felt wasted.
i know this will sound heartless. and maybe it is, but it is the truth. on a certain degree, there was a part of me that felt like my time was wasted. like all the energy i spent to keep her safe and comfortable was pointless.
i felt wasted. yet in the end, i felt guilty for feeling that way.
but there she was, asleep.
unconcered.
oblivious to the fact that i was there.
unaware of the idea that i was overwhelmed by different thoughts her presence caused.
i don’t have an answer.
sadly, there are a lot of questions.
I don’t have the answers to the questions and i don’t think i have the patience to deal with people who choose to ‘escape’ that way. I guess sometimes if someone close to us becomes a dependent, it’s hard to emphasize no matter what the reasons were
Comment by Rygel — December 20, 2006 @ 3:08 am
It’s quite easy to put up a professional face and deal with it in the most caring and dignfied way. We see this all the time and have fairly honed skills to tackle the situation.
It’s also quite easy to slip back and question why we put up with it though, with patience and compassion when most of the time they don’t care and can’t find the purpose within themselves.
After all, we are also just human.
Comment by howling — December 20, 2006 @ 3:55 am
My mother used to say (usually while exhorting me to do something I was neglecting and complaining about it instead), “God helps those who help themselves.”
Well, this patient is not doing her part. I guess you’ll have to help her instead.
If you look at this right, your really are doing God’s work….
Is that OK to say?
Comment by The Curmudgeon — December 20, 2006 @ 7:39 am
Some people are difficult to be nice to, unless you drug them into oblivious passivity. Then they’re kinda easier to work with.
Comment by shrimplate — December 21, 2006 @ 12:00 pm
I’m a student nurse and former EMT and dread those kinds of patients. I can withhold my opinions and deliver care, that I know, but I can’t help but feel judgmental. Nor can I forget how my mother and father acted for half of my childhood, loving the bottle more than they did their kids. My mom and dad cleaned up on their own, long after I quit wasting my time trying to get them to change.
Incidentally, my mother was in 90-day rehab with many young men and a few women. 10 years later she is the only one still on the wagon. Only one other rehab buddy lasted over a year. It seems to me that some people are just incorrigible, no matter what they–or we–do.
Comment by Beth — December 21, 2006 @ 1:24 pm
I just read this article and it’s interesting–
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16242488/site/newsweek/
…many illegal drugs actually change the brain over time by strengthening some connections and weakening others, until taking drugs becomes the most imperative need in an addict’s life. “Drugs are a more powerful reinforcer than anything else, even sex,” says Volkow. “That’s why people will even steal to get the money they need for drugs. That’s one of the unfortunate consequences of a pathology in the brain that makes us lose our judgment, our values.”
Comment by rnrealnurse — December 22, 2006 @ 10:40 am
I have been a nurse for ten years, and have struggled with these very questions myself. I have found one thing that works for me. When I become frustrated with my patients I have learned to step back and look at it from a different angle. Instead of asking “what more can I do?” I have started to ask myself “what am I supposed to take with me from this experience?” I truly believe that not everyone I take care is there because I am supposed to help them…some of them are there so I may grow from the experience. I think what I am trying to say is captured better in a poem I wrote that was inspired by my experiences as a nurse. It’s called “In the Presence of Greatness” and goes like this.
IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS
In this short, long life that I have lead
I have seen much that most would never dream
And though I did not know it then,
Have been blessed through all
That’s been said and done
By the presence of God unseen
I have been present at the birth of a life,
And wept at the beauty of innocence’ first breath
As a choir of angels sang praises to God,
Through the cries of a babe
A hymn like no other
In the presence of heaven, on earth
I have knelt with the sick at the end of their life
Held their hands ‘til their last breath was gone
And in the coldness of death
Have been filled with warmth
While tears on my shoulder caress me
The hand of God with a gentle “well done”
Comment by Joe — December 26, 2006 @ 4:20 am
I found this blog on the Medscape site. I too am a nurse. A nurse as my first chosen profession and a nurse now in a new career in sales. Really the two are not that different. I still deal with the human element and need those God-given people skills. More now that ever. Your drug-addict patient takes me back to a time and place in the intensive care unit where I used to work. A time where I too struggled with “why do I care so much for this patient that is hell bent on destroying himself”. The patient was an alcoholic with multiple injuries incurred in a drunk driving accident. During the time I cared for him I spent most of my time helping the Docs re-insert NG, chest, and NT tubes as well as many IV and CVP lines that my patient would pull out in fits of DT’s. We even started a pentathol drip to try to control him as well as multiple restraints. The man was small in stature but strong as an ox. This was truly the most frustrating nursing experience that I had been faced with.
Looking back, I now realize that caring for this patient, as frustrating as it was, was a true life lesson. I learned humility, patience, and unconditional love (as well as expert knot tying). Sometimes we are faced with patients who have no one to care and nothing left within to care for themselves. To think of these experiences only in a clinical way seems impersonal. Though this is how we are trained. As nurses, our humanity is what truly heals.
Comment by Sandy — December 27, 2006 @ 2:42 pm
Naked Girls and Women
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
Trackback by Naked Girls and Women — August 8, 2007 @ 5:20 pm