i admit. i got carried away. i got emotional.

first, she told us that for the year 2006, up until november, our unit had a total revenue of X million dollars. yes, millions! not hundred thousands, not thousands. millions! then she told us, that for the past 8 months, she has not hired any staff, which means, nobody has resigned.

then, she discussed the PCA (patient care assistant) issue. to refresh our memory, she explained what we’ve already seen in the past 2 weeks. for NOC shift, there is 1 PCA for patient census 22 and above, NO PCA for patient census 21 and below. for AM shift: 3 (yes, three!) PCAs for patient census 22 and above, and 2 PCAs for patient census 21 and below.

she explained how AM shift needs more PCAs because they pass food trays, feed and bathe patients, send more patients to procedures and tests.

i don’t know if she meant that nothing happens at night, (because that’s how it sounded) but this is what i know: i know that patients are being prepared for GI procedures at night, which means they poop more at night. patients who are confused get more confused at night. patients still go to procedures at night, and yes, they still need to be repositioned at night!

anyway, there were 20 RNs present. this annual competency class and staff meeting was scheduled three different times and was/is mandatory. our group was the second group.

when the PCA issue came up, the NOC nurses started fidgeting in their chairs, but were very quiet. “fine”, i told myself, i will raise my hand, express my concerns, and for sure, they will either talk about what they tell me at work every night, or at the very least, back me up.

well, what happened next totally threw me off the edge! nobody said a thing. nobody! they all sat there, like they all lost their tongues! they looked at me, they looked at our nurse manager. then, they  stared at the wall like they couldn’t care less about what we were talking about, because frankly, they thought May is a loony and a liar.

i ended up saying with a sarcastic tone: “if you said we gained X millions in the past 11 months, will it really hurt to hire another PCA for the NOC shift? also, since you have been sort of bragging about the fact that nobody has left the unit in the past 8 months, you have to watch out because people are definitely planning to leave. lastly, just to let you know, the PCAs are happy when they get floated to another unit, and you can’t blame them.” i know, i shouldn’t have, but obviously, i feel very strongly about this.

then, i zipped my big mouth.

our nurse manager (very calmly, bless her heart!) went on to explain (in technical terms i honestly do not understand) how they came up with the staffing ratio, and corrected me on the issue that the PCAs are not always happy to float.

everybody was quiet. their silence made me think i was working in a different planet, or that i was a complete bitch for bringing up the issue. their facial expressions made me feel like i was this nagging wife who has nothing sensible to do, but complain, complain, complain.

the thing is, these are the very same people who complained to me every single night i was at work. every single night! the very same people who are convincing me to apply to other units and leave. the very same people who said they will sign a petition for a change in our situation if i just write the petition.

we had a much needed 10 minute break.

outside the conference room, one of the NOC charge RNs thanked me for “speaking up”! others tapped my shoulders. what do they mean?

well, they mean two things:
first, i’m stupid for speaking up when i know nothing will change the administration’s decision.
second, i’m stupid for assuming that people who speak up behind their superior can actually face that superior and say what they say behind her.

lesson learned: it’s easy to be stupid, but it doesn’t hurt to be smart. 
                      next staff meeting, i will not say anything even if they pay me.
                      and for the record, they can only pay me in millions.

anyway, just before we went home, i went up to the nurse manager and apologized. not for the things i said, but for the way i said them. “i apologize if i sounded like i was attacking you personally. that was not my intention. i just want you to know that is what’s happening in reality, i hope you didn’t take it personally.”

she was very professional about it and told me i didn’t have to apologize. “i know all about the issues, but i just can’t do anything about it at this time.” she was very calm, never emotional, very professional.

so, in case you are wondering, that’s why she is the nurse manger, and i’m not.

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by the way, i wasn’t able to escape the applause. the nurse manager, unaware that i planned to totally let all my complains out in the open, asked me to stand up before the meeting started. she kept the fancy plaque all this time, and presented it to me to recognize my so called positive attitude.

at least this early, we already know that i will not get the same award (if ever i miraculously get one!) next year. don’t we?

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i was gonna write about how i spent three hours in an urgent care clinic as a patient yesterday, but this post staff meeting rant got in the way, i have no more energy. so, i’ll reserve that for future posts.

in the meantime, before i forget…to those students who are interested in winning a $5,000.00 scholarship sponsored by nursing jobs.org, go ahead and check it out. this is something i would have joined if i was eligible. it’s big money, and if you have great reasons why you chose nursing, writing about it wouldn’t be that hard, right?