April, 2007 Archive

mommy, where are you going?

to the restroom.

can i go too?

(might as well, you’re already here) silence

what are you gonna do there?

(meet with world leaders to discuss world peace?) mommy will poo poo.

can i look at your poo poo mommy?

(what are you now, a nurse?) no.

why mommy?

(coz it’s my own poop and you have to pay me to see it?) because you don’t have to.

mommy, you’re wearing a panty. i’m wearing brief. is that your panty mommy?

yes.

why are you wearing a panty mommy?

(because i’m not britney spears?) because i want to.

oh, okay, can we go to the slide now?

________________

care to share your very own serious conversations with the curious ones?
maybe we can lighten up the mood around here, and even for a few minutes forget the horrible things we’ve been seeing on TV these past days. 

come on, share your stories. don’t be shy.

so, the day was blurred. i did not watch any news, but by reading my daily blog fix, i still learned stuff about the tragic virginia tech massacre and i am still shaken.

i don’t know if i would have reacted this way if i am not a mother. i don’t know. i mean, i look at my 4 and 2 year old boys, and i want to cry. you know, it is just so unthinkable. you look after them like they are more important than life itself, and then, just like that, they can be gone. reality is just getting scarier by the minute.

then, there is another thing. yesterday, when they did not give out the shooter’s name yet, we were at the edge of our seats waiting for a name. “just a name”, everybody kept saying. “we don’t have to see his face, we’ll know by his name, and maybe then we can relax a little bit”. i was quiet, but i will be lying if i will say i did not pray “please let it NOT be a filipino. PLEASE.” because i did, maybe more than a hundred times. i didn’t exactly know then, but i know now.

i was talking to a friend on the phone tonight. and she blurted out: “buti na lang hindi siya pilipino, kasi kung pilipino, ano na lang ang mangyayari sa atin dito?” (it’s good he is not filipino, because if he is, what will happen to us here?) to which i answered. “i know, it’s good.”

i am embarassed that i said that, that i agreed with my friend’s sentiment that “it’s good”, but it is the truth. it is not good, but i was looking out for myself. no matter how multicultural and open america is with immigrants, this is still not our home, and we will never belong here in the purest sense of the word belong. the truth is, this situation will hurt the koreans just as much as it will hurt the filipinos if the shooter happened to be a filipino. there is no cure for generalizations and judgment, and there is no way there will be no repercussions involving race, based on this tragedy. now that i realized i have this huge selfish ideas, i feel worse.

but my mood will clear up, right? i have seen worse things than this. i have had worse self discoveries than this. i have been more shaken than this. it will pass. eventually, it will.

i am so personally affected by this virginia breaking news, that words cannot fluently form my thoughts.

i do not know anybody in that shooting craze, but in some bizarre way, i could be anyone amongst all those grieving, confused, angry, devastated, and utterly helpless people.

i could be the mother. of a dead son or daughter, or of the police, or of the survivors. or even of the shooter. how all the hearts of the mothers ache at that place at this very time, i can never even begin to imagine. 

i could be one of the sisters. i could be one of the aunts. i could be one of the friends. of the dead, or of the living, or of those who tried and try to keep a straight face despite the presence of tears and fears. i could even be the sister, the aunt, or a friend of the shooter. where do i even begin to soothe the numbing agony a senseless thing like this can cause?

i stopped watching the news after staring at the same chest crushing snap shots for a couple of hours. it is draining. extremely draining.

i can only pray that everyone affected by this unthinkable, painful event will be comforted in a way that will give them even the slightest sense of peace. beyond the endless unanswered questions, i can only hope for peace.

“oh May, are you getting N? you are very  lucky.”
(no, i didn’t smell any hint of sarcasm there, did you?)

“he is very sweet.”
(no reaction to that one. sweet patients are not unusual)

“he is very pleasant.”
(okay, gettting a little suspicious, but still. it is not uncommon for patients to be sweet AND pleasant at the same time)

AM nurse stares at me nonverbally asking why i stupidly acts so clueless. i look at her and nonverbally tell her: “what can i do, some people are just born to be stupid, it’s a gift. MY gift! quit staring!”

“okay May, he is a difficult, grumpy guy who complains and…”
(what was the opposite introduction all about, a test? uhh okay, so i failed. anyway, there’s an “and”?)

“he hates life. and everyone. and everything and…”
(okay, take a deep breath, calm down. there’s still more “and”?)

“and i hope you have a good night with him. GOOD LUCK!”
(at last, the ”and” is over. got IT. got everything.)

____________

“can i have my dilaudid now?”

it’s not due until midnight.

“WHAT? it’s every 8 hours, it is due NOW!”

the AM nurse gave it you at 4 PM, so your next dose is at midnight.

“the AM nurse? well, SHE is a LIAR! she gave it to me at 2 PM!

okay, let me check our meds machine to find out what time she took it out, to verify the time.

“yeah, do that so  you’ll know she’s THE LIAR and…
(uumm okay, didn’t i just mention i don’t like “ands…”)

“and she’s not only a liar, she’s also….”
(lalalalalala…i don’t have to hear this)

“a LAZY ass, and…”
(yet another and? this is way too much information)

“and all she does all day is sit her ass on that chair, doing  absolutely nothing, even when i have been calling for hours…and…”
(gods of the three letter words, please let the “series of ands” stop. please?)

“she takes off her shoes, put her feet up, and sit on that chair all day. all day. and i’m just telling you the truth.”
(no, no, enough! i don’t want the truth, i can’t handle the truth)

okay N, i’ll be back to let you know if you can have the dilaudid.

____________________

don’t you  just “love” it when two adults have mutual feelings for each other?