a couple of nights ago, i was told by one of my patients that i was a “very harsh nurse”. his words, not mine.

due to the fact that i was literally running my ass around making sure all my four patients get the best of what they deserve, i literally had no energy to prove him wrong.

so, i just stood there and listened to his litany of reasons why i was all of a sudden the worst nurse in the planet. when he was done and finally told me “you can speak up now, what do you have to say?”, i told him, “sorry sir. i have nothing to say, i just want to check your blood sugar.”

he was dying of esophageal cancer and i feel for him. if telling his daughter i did all the the things  i did (checking his blood sugar, repositioning, inserting a foley catheter) WITHOUT telling him first what i was going to do, when in fact i did, (because really, how is it possible to just place a tube in somebody’s penis without telling them?) will make his last days of life a little easier, i don’t mind.

i didn’t want to start a game of “he said she said”. i didn’t want to argue over nothing. i just kept quiet, sucked it all up and listened to his daughter (who, as i was clearly told, was a very good nurse) confront me about the things he told her that made me such a harsh nurse. i listened until there was silence. then, i apologized.

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last week, my liver cancer patient was told by his doctor that  he had approximately four months to live. it could be less, but it couldn’t be more, at least, based on bis medical condition. unless of course, there is that miracle.

i did nothing special. i took care of his needs as i usually do, and i  just did what i knew was appropriate. i told him i was there if he needed me there, and i gave him privacy if he wanted to be alone with his family, or with his thoughts. the next night, when he asked another nurse if i was still his nurse and she said yes, he told her i was a “very good nurse”. his words, not mine.

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i have been called names. i have been told things. about myself, about other people i know or care about. good ones, bad ones, the in between ones. i don’t know, but most of the times, i always have this urge to write about evrything. back when i didn’t know blogging was existent, i wrote in all kinds of papers. i must have filled thousands of pages of papers just writing my thoughts or feelings or ideas about what just happened. writing made things more real. it made things better if it was bad, sweeter if it was good.

when i started this blog, that’s exactly what i got out of it. i got a kick out of seeing my thoughts organized in words that i thought cleared my mind. i always felt that writing about something made me realize my mistakes, and made me aspire to be better. i wrote for myself, and it made me feel good.

then, something happened…

people started reading the stuff that i wrote, and i discovered something fascinating. i realized that it is good to know that there are people out there who can relate to what i went through, and it is also fascinating to know that there people who just couldn’t care less. it made blogging even better. i found internet friends who lifted my spirit up when something bad came up, people who inspired me to keep on doing better. i also found people who gave me realistic criticisms that eventually made me reflect more on how i can do better.

then…

i started feeling this whole responsibility. i felt like there are people out there reading this blog and expect something. it hit me hard. it hit me hard when i realized that i might be shortchanging people who come here, for whatever reason. i looked back and saw my own redundance, and it sort of bored me and made me wonder how it must have bored others.

i am aware that there are other things happening in the world of nursing, or in the world, but here i am, always talking about the same things. the same things. all the time.

it could be about that esophageal cancer patient who “hated” me, or that liver cancer patient who “loved” me. it’s either i am happy because a patient  liked what i did, and felt like i really made a difference. or, i feel crappy because a patient just told me that i was the nurse from hell. it’s either i was told i was a good/great nurse, and i was elated. or, i was reminded that i suck big time at what i do and i felt terrible. different scenarios, the same points. all the time. how boringly predictable!

i concluded i will spare the blogosphere. i thought i had to shut my mouth, and go back to my pens and thousands of papers, where i only bore myself and not involve anybody else in my randomness. i made my decision to close my blog after a lot of thought.

but…

just like any other kind of thinking, i realized something. i realized that the blogosphere is a democratic space, just like any form of media. say tv for example. if you turn it on and you don’t like what you see, all you have to do is get the remote, click it, and that show is gone. the same thing here. if you find my repeatitive whining and gushing boring, you definitely have it in your hands to exit.

that realization gave me such big sense of relief. it made me happy. i used to feel a sense of guilt after blogging on yet another boring elaboration of my emotions, now, i felt none. i felt free, and it felt good.

to make the long story even longer, i twirled things in my head. then, i changed my mind. i decided i will keep on blogging, on sharing my stories. i will keep on boring myself, and i will stop thinking or even worrying about other things, particulary about causing other people that agony of boredom. after all, we obviously have our choices, and it is weird how that fact escaped me at one point.

you have no idea how great it is to know that you are all out there rooting for me when i feel down, or confronting me when you think i am being such a bitch, and for that,  i THANK YOU! i am staying. if you feel like staying, know that your presence is appreciated.

on the other hand, if you feel like giving up on the whole “May boring stories and ideas thing”, please feel free to go. i will not mind, even if it will make me feel like losing someone close, i will deal with it. because no matter how much i love blogging, i don’t really want to bore other people to death.

i guess what i’m really saying is….thank you for staying, that really means a lot to me. i hope you don’t mind me staying in your blogging world as well, because i do choose to stay. and although i’ll really love it if you to stay, if you’re tired of me, i surely wouldn’t mind you clicking on that X.

now, we can all start living happily ever after, right?