August, 2007 Archive

two and a half million to the church and other charitable institutions.
a million to each of my seven siblings.
half a million to my dad.
a quarter of a million to my aunt.
a quarter of a million to my parents in law.
a quarter of a million to each of my three brothers in law.
half a million goes to all relatives and friends.
ninety two thousand to all BLOGGING FRIENDS. seriously.

that leaves me and my family with 3.25 million. millions that will be spent to pay off the house, to go on a whole year tour around the world, lifetime budget for a weekly massage and pedicure, savings for the kids’ education, savings for retirement. and lastly, a budget to buy a little paradise like island inhabited by gorgeous, half naked hunks….never mind. i was kidding. about the half naked men, not about the island.

that explains where my share of 15.92 million dollars is going, if we win this 320 dollars plus lotto draw. last night, we all blessed our dollar bills and kissed them good luck.

i won’t divulge the confidentiality of the whole matter by blabbing about what other nurses want to do with their money, but i can attest to the fact that H will buy a personal trainer who would willingly sleep with her every night, or whenever she wants him to. other than that, i’m not telling.

the mood was, to say the least, very festive. on and off, as we all discussed what we will do with our share, it actually made all of us a little giddy. we got dizzy thinking of all the things we will do with OUR money.  since i have never in my entire life bought a lotto ticket, it made me quite anxious. i thought now that i am 38 might be a good time to do this thing for the first time. first times are always exciting.

if you were at work last night, you will definitely feel the undeniable sense of community that drew us all closer together, in a way. for a 12 hour shift period, it seemed like we have known everyone in the unit like we’ve never known each other before. it was indescribable, and it certainly made the night shorter. i have to say, it’s funny how talks about money and how one will spend a large amount of it indirectly reveal one’s inner self. it was also fascinating.

of course everybody out there who knows that this thing is a very long shot from reality, won’t be able to help their cynical selves and will dramatically roll over the floor laughing their you know what out.

please. i beg you,  don’t laugh that loud and let it rain on our parade. not that we really have a parade, what with this scorching heat that can burn even the thickest skin…. but you know what i mean….

instead of drooling in your laughter, why don’t you be a good sport and just tell me what you’ll do with your millions if you eventually win that elusive jackpot?

there is a trend among my nursing schoolmates who are here in america.

a few of them have trasferred to a federal behavioral medical center (fbmc) because “you do nothing there”.

i do not know how truthful this statement is, but i have heard it so many times. and it is soon followed by a no brainer suggestion that i am stupid for working at a medical surgical telemetry unit that pays me way less than what the fbmc pays them. i will then be asked the all familiar question “they are hiring, what are you waiting for?” then the all common question: are you still in that unit? why?” then the closing remark: “i don’t know with you, but what is the point, it’s all about the money honey.”

to this series of highly offensive questions, i answer with a series of smiles. when the smiles die down and turn to discernable smirks, i slowly turn away.

there is a reason why i shy away from this topic. it is not because i am a hypocrite and that i can claim that money is not important.

i have enough respect and understanding of nurses who go to work in places where there is not much physical and mental stress. i totally get it. i completely dig it. it is sensible to say that work is something where you go so you can pay your mortgage and buy what you really want. i have nothing against that.

my only issue is the implication that i am stupid because i don’t do it. whille it is true that money is a very important reason why i work, there is something way beyond that fact that motivates me to drag my heavy behind and do the things i do at work.

it may sound overly dramatic unbelievable to others but for me it is very real. i go home and breathe a sigh of relief after a back breaking shift, happy that i have earned something to buy diapers anbd milk, but happier that in my own little insignificant ways, whether acknowledged or not, i have made a difference. i work where i work even though it is often extremely tiring because it gives me an indescribable sense of fulfillment.

when i complain about people at work (patients and colleagues) who offended, hurt or aggravated me, that is only because i am a human being. a feeling individual who is wired to normally experience expected negative emotions if rubbed the wrong way. when i complain about my feet killing me, my muscles aching, and my legs shaking, it is because that is truth. it is not because i hate what i am doing.

this is such a blurry subject even for my husband. everytime i rant about how tired i am, he would end up asking me to look for another job. he used to miss the whole point until i discussed with him in details, the fact that i love what i do and the complaints has nothing to do with me hating it. he then learned that he is not expected to give me a solution, because there is no real problem.

anyway, the next time somebody tells me it doesn’t make sense that i am still doing bedside nursing when in fact i have a choice to earn more while “doing nothing”, i will be forced to ask them nicely: “okay, i will transfer to fbmc, and will convince everyone in  my unit to do the same. now, who will take care of those who need to go to the medical surgical unit? who will be that stupid nurse who is willing to take care of them? we will just let you/them die then?”

my dear schoolmates who work at fbmc who are trying to convince/pester me to transfer….
don’t make me ask nice things. or don’t make me say “shut up and leave me alone.”
if i do not question you for working at a place where you claim you are happy because you “do nothing”, is it too much to ask that you stop questioning me for working where i work because i claim i am happy “doing something”? when i am ready to move on and be “smart” like you, i will contact you.

promise.

their story:
     patient was soaking wet of urine at 3 AM. patient’s niece left the unit and came back at 9 AM, and found out  patient still soaking wet.

their conclusion:
     patient was NEVER changed for the whole six hours.

the daughter’s declaration of extreme intelligence and unbelievably scary threat, VERBATIM:
     “I KNOW the law. in california, if a patient is wet, she has to be cleaned and changed within the next TWENTY minutes. a lot of risks are involved if a patient is left wet THAT long. are you gonna be here the whole night? can YOU make sure she gets changed WITHIN 20 minutes when she is wet? i know who to go to with things like this and i will not think twice in involving even the president of this hospital just to get fair treatment!”

the nurse’s matter of fact response, after successful attempt to suppress indescribably hard to control laughter, and indescribably sensitive scratched ego:
     “oh. i will make sure she is dry and will try my best to change her as soon as i can. i apologize if she was wet for six hours yesterday, i understand your concerns. we’ll see to it that doesn’t happen again.”

it was difficult to keep a straight face, but with my oscar winning acting talent, it was all a breeze to stand there and not fall on the floor, drooling and laughing my big ass off at first, and then getting really hostile next. i stayed and listened to all other threats of litigation and reports, until they had nothing left to say and they sort of got tired of me just encouraging them to keep talking.

my suppressed laughter has nothing to do with being  mean, but i won’t sugar coat it and say it didn’t have a tone of sarcasm. my suppressed hostility has nothing to do with being mean, because i accept the fact that i am human and reacting to impolite, arrogant statements is something normal human beings experience. i know exactly how stressful it is to have a sick loved one. it is normal to be concerned and it is okay to be frustrated or disappointed. the patient’s family are always reacting in ways they don’t usually plan, and that is perfectly fine and expected.

however, there are a number of family members who think it is a must to flavor the expression of their concerns with such words like law, lawyer, president, and the killer line: “we will not tolerate this and will sue you and the hospital for…”. why they think this is the best approach, i do not really know, but they drain me emotionally. they suck my spirit dry.

the whole story has a lot of holes. if the patient was wet at 3 AM, why did the niece leave without making sure she was cleaned and changed before she stepped out of the unit? is the possibility that the patient only got wet again at 9 AM really that difficult to entertain? if they were so concerned about skin breakdown, was it really that unthinkable to change the patient’s diaper, since that is what they do at home anyway? when was this law written and where was i when it was discussed in our unit? obviously, we didn’t study about california law in the philippines, but how is it possible that i have never heard this from  my colleagues who finished nursing school here? is this some kind of a tricky law that is never leaked except to a chosen few, myself excluded? and involving the president of the hospital? let’s not even go there.

you know why we cannot go there? because if all patients and families who told us they will “take THIS matter to the president” were actually in the president’s office airing their complaints, call it pessimism, but i am very certain that the president will be knee deep in chores. she will not have time to discuss THIS matter with anyone, not until she retires.

i could go on and on and on being all bitchy and sarcastic, but what good will that accomplish? i guess it will prevent a heart attack, but won’t really mean anything in the end. if you ask me though, my patients are lucky that i blog. because if i don’t, where do you think will these unexpressed rant go? it is not uncommon to see other nurses unconsciously hurl it to other nurses or patients. sometimes it works, but most of the times, it just gets ugly.

the reality is, no matter how insulted, aggravated, hurt, or offended i feel towards all sorts of threats, statements and unreasonable demands i get from patients and their family members, i do not let my feelings get in the way. i put it aside, and i do my job.

i stand there, listen attentively, respond professionally, apologize even for mistakes i didn’t do, and give them the care they need, because i believe it is the right thing to do. 

when i go home, i sleep it off. i process it in my dreams. 
sometimes, i lie in the couch, my in house therapists all over me…the kids, even though they are clueless about the grown up world, always make it better. their dad, sympathetic about the work we both do, always makes it lighter. 

sometimes though, i must admit, even that kind of love and support seem inadequate. not because it is not sincere and abundant, but because the inner emotional tension is so blown up to unimaginable proportion, it gets extremely difficult to balance.

yet, life goes on.
because it must.

one of those google search questions. one that you cannot just ignore.

it is unlike other questions/searches that get on your nerves and creep you out, or just leave you scratching your head, for example:  
     why are filipino nurses so annoying?
     sample of filipino smell.
     why do nurse managers forget to get sick?
     nurses who don’t clean poop
     what do you do when you hate being a nurse?
     picture of a sexy nurse.
     when can i date my nurse?

i don’t know why they all end up on my blog, but they do.

anyway, back to to the first question. i will not try to answer it, but will ask those who have time to answer, to please share your responses to this all important and pressing question.

what i want to do is guess who searched this question.

1. female nurse. because in my years of being a nurse, no male colleague has EVER complained about not being able to pee. not a single one. it could be because men are usually not open about expressing their feelings, especially those feelings that somehow has direct connection to their private parts, like urination. it could be because the female specie is more melodramatic and always want everybody to know how they feel and how they are being disadvantaged.

2. newbie nurse. the veteran nurses always know when to go. the more hardcore ones even know exactly when to smoke. it is not a matter of availability of time, but a matter of being more comfortable about one’s absence from the unit. usually, even a code can’t stop a screaming bladder, and only a newbie will think she can cause death by stepping out for 2 minutes to answer the call of nature.

3. any nurse with urinary tract infection caused by not peeing even when her bladder is about to burst. self explanatory.

i don’t know if i guessed it correctly. it would have been nice if the searcher emailed me directly. anyway, as i sai earlier, those of you who have useful answers to this not so frequently asked question, feel free to chime in.

thanks.