a simple x-ray of her abdomen was the answer to her questions.

the picture showed a small sized safety pin, safely nestled in one area of her intestines. as if mocking, you could almost say it was posing perfectly when the picture was taken.

she said she had no idea that she swallowed one. some were quite skeptical about that, because she confessed to drinking quite heavily in the past six months. why she was heavily drinking in the past six months is a story for another time, so i won’t digress.

let’s go back to the safety pin and how it got into her intestine. when did she swallow it?  maybe, it was one of those times when she was too drunk to tell the difference between an anchovy and a safety pin? or maybe, she was too drunk, she placed it inside a burger, thinking it was a piece of pickle? or something? i don’t know.

other theories involving her accidentally swallowing it when she was sober were all disturbing. imagine the possibilities. where do you think was the safety pin hiding? or hidden? on purpose? accidental? i will not really go there, so i choose to believe the too-drunk-to-notice-theory.

anyway, the simple solution was the mighty golytely, the liquid, not the candy. a gallon was ordered, “until she passes the safety pin”. the nurse assigned to her was an orientee who was understandably getting unnerved by the task of literally collecting each episode of semi solid stool and literally examining it for the all important safety pin.

halfway through the ordeal of taking the golytely cocktail, when the stool’s consistency changed to mostly liquid, i suggested to the nurse that she should get a strainer and just strain it, to save her the gory details of this scene: the sight of her holding her breath, getting almost blue in the process, while holding a tongue blade in hand, searching for what we eventually called THE pin.

she sort of ignored me because she had other things to do. the patient went again, and it was then that i couldn’t help myself anymore. i went to central supplies to get a strainer.

it took a few seconds for the whole amount to drain, but when it finally did…i saw the most amazing thing. there it was, in its very rusty glory, THE safety pin. i told the nurse, who jumped and did the dance of joy. we spread the word to everybody who is interested, which is pretty much everyone. they all cheered and gave me the imaginary high fives.

for a moment, i felt guilty for what i did. it was like the patient’s nurse did all the hard work of caring for the mother and “the baby” the whole nine months of pregnancy, and i just got in there at the minute it was ready to come out, and i unashamedly delivered it. i got all the undeserved applause. fortunately, the nurse was kind enough to brush my guillt away. i think she’s one of those who believe in teamwork. thank goodness for that, because then, i didn’t feel too crappy.

anyway, i asked the nurse if the doctor wanted to do something with the now famous pin, and when she confirmed he did not want anything, i suggested we have it laminated and sent home to the patient just so she can have a good laugh everytime she looks at it. or a rather gross moment, whichever suits her mood.

there maybe a moral to this story, but i cannot really think about it now, especially in this heat that makes me sweat in places i do not even know i’m capable of sweating. when you think of something sensible, share it. don’t be shy.

for the meantime, i will conclude that it is safe to say that if you have abdominal pain that is causing you enough trouble to go to the ER, one of the chances are, you’ve eaten a saftey pin.

and for the record, it is not a good thing if all your safety pins at home are new, and the one that comes out from you is outrageously rusty.