October, 2007 Archive

i had to do it. it was not because all of a sudden i turned into this exhibitionist psycho who had the unstoppable urge to undress. i got out of the car, took ALL my clothes off, and with gusto, scratched everything, everywhere.

one of my patients last night had chickenpox. so far, in my encounters with people who had it, she had the worst kind. not to sound mean, but she looked like a human bubble wrap. let’s just say she perfectly fit the description of having a generalized rash. i mean, only her tongue, and a little portion of her face were spared. she had the vesicles everywhere, even in her most private parts. i know it will sound weird, but i almost felt like popping her inch by inch, just so i can help relieve the itching.

anyway, the very first time i looked at her, my eyeballs started to itch. when i changed her gown and washed her a little bit, my brain started to itch. i had to check her very positional IV very often, and everytime i see her, a part of me, or my whole body, started to itch. every part that can possibly be scratched, i scratched. even my hair. tomorrow, after work, i will do exactly the same thing.

i know there is no scientific explanation to my loony like behavior, but i swear i ended up scratching the whole night, i felt like i had it worse than her. for the record, it was not only me who had the itch. all of us who saw or touched her. i don’t know if you experience the same thing in situations like these, or it is just a nurse thing. being weird like that.

so yeah, after i stripped off in the garage, my scrubs went straight to the washer. i had a really really hot shower to convince myself that the heat will kill all of my itchy ideas. unfortunately, it did not go away that fast.

anyway, one of the two nurses who always complain about hating the fact that they work in our unit is finally leaving. i found out she was going to a different hospital. i overheard her saying that she is envisioning a paradise like environment in her future job. i hope she will finally find the happiness she deserves. no, i’m not being sarcastic. i do want her to be happy. i have nothing against her. i just feel like there is no point in expressing your disgust about your job DAILY, if you still choose to stay. i mean, just leave already, and don’t ruin it for the rest of us who are grateful to have our jobs! it is one thing to complain, it is another thing to complain EVERY single time you work. in my opinion, a daily dose of pessimism is annoying. i hate to sound so thoughtless but the truth is, i am happy she is going.

one gone. one more to go. the other one has been complaining for two years now. i do not have a clue why she is still with us. i have seriously asked her a few times if she is trying to look for a different place and she said she will be leaving in a couple of months. that was two years ago!

she would start her day with lines like “i hate this fu#*ng place”; “there is no way in hell i am going to do this and that, i hate this fu#*ng job!” when she finally leaves (i hope very soon!), we’re gonna have a party. here. in my place. you’re all invited.

no, you will not catch me naked in the garage. promise.

she was difficult to please and was not pleasant. she complained about almost everything, and she had this look that made her frustrations about life and what she did to live it very palpable.

used to patients like her, i didn’t really mind the coldness and the ungrateful attitude. it was not that i was immuned to it, it was just that i have learned not to take situations like these personally because it will make me an obvious loser. i reasoned she had every reason to behave like that.

she was extremely jaundiced and her large abdomen said it all. i was told from report that her liver cirrhosis was secondary to alcohol abuse. i looked at her chart and noticed that this year alone, she has been in the hospital or clinic 48 times.

i didn’t think i had enough time to connect with her, so i didn’t even try. i know that sounds mean, but i will not lie about it. i expected the night to drag along very slowly, and i sort of felt bad about that, but i knew that if i just get out of her way, we will both spend the whole night in peace. i will take care of her needs, and she will sleep the night away.

i thought to myself: “when the night is over, i will hand her care over to the next nurse, and i will forget all about her. she will be one of those patients who pass by me and whose name and face i will never remember”.

i was wrong.

she threw up twice. she wanted to be cleaned. she had an accident. she wanted to be cleaned. she demanded three blankets. she wanted her back rubbed. she wanted the light off. she wanted her hair stroked. she wanted the curtains pulled. she wanted the temperature up. she wanted her pillow flipped. she wanted water. she wanted to change her gown. she wanted booties. she wanted the door closed. she wanted somebody to sit next to her. she wanted peace. she was scared.

just when i thought i was going crazy with all the requests, i realized that she was not talking to me. she was demanding all sorts of things alright, but not from me. she was asking her husband. not nicely, but with urgency.

her husband, he was one of a kind. not even once did i see in his face that he was getting weary. the demanding attitude that usually irk even very loving family members did not even rattle him. he was consistently kind and empathetic. he treated her with such gentleness and care, that the sight of him cleaning her vomit took my breath away. the way he ran his fingers through her hair made my heart flutter. he talked to her in the softest voice possible, his presence calmed her down. it also warmed my soul.

it is amazing how things just get to you sometimes. all of a sudden, it dawned on me that i have been too cynical lately. that other than my own definition and experience of love, i have questioned its reality in other people’s lives.

i thought about it, and i thought about it hard. was there something in her that only he can see? what if it has nothing to do with her? what if it was just him, the way he was built? a man born to truly love. one who truly knows how treat a woman kindly, unconditionally, without questions.

maybe that explains everything. maybe he was just one of the very few.

but still. there are questions…

if love is undefinable, how come some people can make it so tangible?
if love can be this beautiful, how come only a handful can actually say so?

i feel like i was separated from my long time lover, and this is the day that we will finally meet again.

after two weeks of being off work, it feels weird to go back tonight. i feel jittery and mixed up. i don’t know if everybody feels the same after a break, or it is just me. maybe it’s just me, and the fact that i am not THAT well in the head.

if i was well, i would have at least spent a day or two relaxing. instead, i was doing everything i planned to do and checking the list in my head like some crazy woman, in exactly two weeks. i was obsessed with making sure the garage was completely clear of boxes. i have accomplished every task and feel like i deserve a big pat on my shoulder, but yeah, i am tired.

whoever said that being crazy is fun is a big fat liar. i know for a fact that our neighbors who even moved in before us still have those boxes in their garage, and i tell you, they all look so fresh and relaxed. me? i have those dark circles around my eyes like i was a raccoon trapped in an old woman’s body. it’s not a pretty sight, but at least my head is clear and i am happy.

there is nothing like a high an OCD sufferer experiences when everything is in place and the house is in order. oh! the joy! that’s why this post is not really a rant, it’s just a thoughtless way to share.

this is so random. it will not get more sensible even if i try to, so i am signing off.

i intended to keep my mouth shut about the whole “desperate housewives” controversy, not because i do not have an opinon about it but because i know redundance is annoying.

i changed my mind when i read this latest update from Dr. Anonymous.

come on, give me a break!

for the record, let me say that i was seriously offended by the now famous line that teri hatcher’s character said in that episode. in my personal opinion, it was written and then delivered without any thought and with complete ignorance. it was a product of a generalized idea that was meant to be funny, but was lacking in sensibility. i am sure that the writers have never thought of saying ”london” to emphasize their supposed hilarious point to mean the doctor in the scene was unreliable because he did not study in america. i felt that the credibility of professionals who graduated in the philippines, especially those who are in the healthcare industry, was being questioned and the philippine educational system was being ridiculed without any reasonable basis.

i do not lack the needed sense of humor to see the reason behind the attempt of the show’s writers to be funny, but i do not see any reason why they have to pick a certain country to accomplish their goal. i know other people said that those who were offended took the whole thing out of context and were being too sensitive about it.

i do not agree with the observation that my offense was because i took the whole thing out of context, but i completely admit that i was offended because i was being senstive about the implied message. i do not claim to be smart, but i definitely will not let tolerate it if somebody said/implied that my judgements, as a nurse, cannot be trusted because i got my diploma from an obviously stupid country. i know other people think those who were offended did not consider that this is some comedy show that shouldn’t be taken seriously. those who said that are obviously not aware of how a show like this influences other people who base their decisions on what they see on tv shows, no matter what the issues are.

i digressed, but with that being cleared, let me just say this: despite my personal feelings about it, i do not find it difficult to understand why other filipinos didn’t find the whole thing offensive. i have my reasons, they have theirs. why can’t other people just grow up and accept the fact that we are all different and we can just move on after being offended? being offended is subjective. if you ask me, those who harass other people because they reacted differently, (meaning they were not offended) is also insensible and ridiculous.

i have said it before, and will say it again. a public apology, to me, was and is pointless. do i have to spell it out? POINTLESS. why? because it will not accomplish anything. it will only create controversy that will make people talk, but it will not change a thing. do people really think that the thousands of people who watch the show, who were influenced by the ignorant implication of miss hatcher’s offensive line will actually change their now biased opinions about filipino doctors just because ABC and teri hatcher apologized? if anybody thinks that will actually happen, then i rest my case. clearly, the degree of imagination some passionate people have is beyond my comprehension. sometimes, reality is difficult to accept but it is a waste of time to dwell on something that is seriously less serious than the things that truly deserve our attention.

i have received emails with attached petitions urging all filipinos to sign just so “our voice will be heard”. i did not sign any of it. that does not make me less filipino. it just means i will not spend my energy in something i believe to be pointless. i am ready to hear all the hateful comments or emails from fellow filipinos, and i am sure somebody will call me “nothing but a sucker for everything american”, because i know some people are very emotional like that. words will probably jolt me for a while, but it will not change my opinion, and it will certainly not change who i am.

to those who disagree with me, i do respect your thoughts and will agree to disagree, but let me urge you to chill out. come on, let’s get real and not allow everybody to think we are a group of overly sensitive unforgiving brown skinned people who have way too much time in our hands and are too psyched up in the trivial things to the point of totally blowing up a tiny molehill into an unconquerable mountain.

i can only wish that this whole thing dies soon. i really do not see why it should continue to get the attention of a lot of people for a longer time. it could be because i am a pessimist, but i choose to believe it is just because i am mostly a realist.

___________________

to completely change the subject, let me shamelessly ask you a favor: go check out the relaunched site of the Scrubs Gallery. maybe it will  make you forget the whole desperately desperate controversies. thanks.

as for my promise to talk about my vow not help a certain coworker ever, i changed my mind about it. i didn’t chicken out, i’m just not in the mood anymore because it happened a long time ago.

to all who shared your thoughts/stories on ambien, thanks.