the gauze dressing was soaked with blood, so i changed it. i was not ready to see her wound, so it sort of shocked me that it looked so nasty. her whole little finger was lacerated from it’s base to the tip, and i was sure i saw her little bones. i cringed at the sight and breathed that sigh of relief again: “thank God it wasn’t me!”

i then tried my best to convince the doctor for an xray, because in my untrained eyes, i was sure that her bones in that little finger were all broken. the doc was sure it was just a laceration, and will just need a few stitches. no matter how much i hoped he was right, i had this stinging feeling in my gut that it was much worse. a few days and ten stitches later, i was so glad to know that i was wrong.

it happened when i went to the restroom. i came back to see other nurses in my patient’s room. she was on the floor. her frail 86 year old body did not cooperate. hit by an extremely bad case of urinary tract infection, she had the urge to pee every hour or so. stubbornly independent, she wouldn’t hear of suggestions to use a diaper or a bed pan. unfortunately, i agreed with her.

she spoke spanish only, but we sort of had an understanding about when she wanted to go. we were okay the whole night, we managed. then, she fell on the last 15 minutes of my shift.

there were a number of reasons why i stuck to my decision not to ask the doctor for a foley catheter, or for restraints. i felt very strongly about my decision that i ignored everyone and was annoyed by their unsolicited, redundant advice for me to call the doctor. i told myself that i didn’t care about what they say, i just cared about my patient.

first of all, i did not question the doctors’ decision about the absence of the catheter because i did agree that it will only be a possible source of further worsening of her already bad infection. i am old schooled like that, and i am not embarassed to admit it.

secondly, it irritated me to no end that others have blatantly suggested restraints just because she was not independently able to get out of bed to the commode. they implied that because she kept on trying to be independent despite her unsteady gait was a proof that she was confused. i looked at those who were concerned with a set of weary and questioning eyes. although i answered them with complete cold silence, deep inside, i complained about their insensitivity to those who are aged and weak. i reasoned inwardly that it was inhuman to restraint her just because i wanted to save time and energy. it was true that she always needed  my assistance and she ate up most of my time, and i am not going to be hypocritical about the fact that it was tiring, but i did not see why that was enough reason for me to demand an order for a restraint. it would have been something that i can easily convince the docs to order, but i never considered it, so i never called for it.

when she fell, because i was out and i was not there to answer to her call immediately, judging, disgusted eyes were on me. some even had the audacity to actually say it outloud: “this would never have happened if she had a foley or she was restrained!”

the thing about pseudoguilt is that it used to consume my entire system, i cannot just ignore it. the thing about time is that it teaches people how to go around the idea of pseudoguilt and turn it around. i know now that i am not what i used to be. i stood there looking at her bleeding forehead, and i realized that i was only guilty for a couple of seconds. i thought it was stupid of me to stick to my guts and idealistic craziness, but the bottom line is that i still felt like i did not do something wrong. i acknowledged the reality that the situation was beyond my control, and it was not my fault she fell.

in the middle of my arrogant, self proclaimed innocence,  i heard the the patient’s loud, painful: “AWW AWW AWW AWW!” one of the nurses who was tyring to help her up accidentally ran the bed’s wheel over her little finger.

when she was settled back to bed, the nurse kept saying she felt horrible. she cleaned the wound and dressed it twice. then, over and over, she kept saying she felt horrible. in my head, i kept saying “oh my God, thank you it wasn’t me!” clearly, it has nothing to do with my inability to empathize with my patient’s terrible situation. it was a truthful admission that i was relieved not to be subjected to that kind of genuine guilt.

if i was the one who moved the bed and accidentally ran the patient’s finger over, i swear i will still be wallowing in the worst kind of self blame that i would have ended up eating a whole bag of chips ahoy daily, just so i can sugarcoat the deadly guilt. i know others might think i am exagerrating this, but i’m not. others may even think i am making a big deal out of such a small thing, but i’m not. i hate it that i am this honest when it comes to blogging my issues here, but it is what it is, and i do not really expect everyone to understand all of me and my absurdities.

there are a lot of things i discover about myself everyday. most of them amuse me.  there are times however when i realize i am this horrible perosn who couldn’t care less about others, that even i, am appalled at my own selfishness. i wish i can apologize to O, the nurse who accidentally hurt my patient, for thanking God it was her who accidentally messed up, but i can’t, so i didn’t. everything happened so fast in  my head, i really did not have the time to explain and expose my evil side to her.

the fact that when i told this story to my husband, he kept quiet and looked away, did not help me. he might be thinking a totally different thing, but with the crazies like me, i have concluded he was thinking he couldn’t believe i could be THAT self-centered. the other fact that there are a number of fires going on around here, is just making matters worse.