November, 2007 Archive

you know when you are stressing about a certain information and you wish you never had the chance to know that information?

a few days ago, i was told about K’s imminent termination. the details were all against her, and everybody hates the fact that she can get fired anytime, but there is nothing they can do about it. apparently, everybody knows about the impending bad news. everybody but K.

it was persistently in my head, so i had to tell other people who know her and care. at one point, there was this brilliant suggestion that i should tell her about it so she can get ready and look for another job before the big “you’re fired” drama. i thought that was not fair, because i am not the kind of person who gets elated in breaking a bad news, but i admit it would be the least i can do to help her.

i played the scene of being fired in my head, and didn’t really like it. not only that there are mortgage and bills to be paid, christmas is also approaching. although it is true that christmas is a season of giving, it is also a season for spending. losing a job at this time of the year is like adding insult to injury.

i knew the importance of telling her, but i stalled.

something like this might be very simple for other people but it was something extremely difficult for me, so i kept looking for a way out. i reasoned i wanted to get the facts first and make sure what i was told was valid information. my plan was to talk to the nurse manager and confirm the gossip before i finally talk to K.

only, even this idea sucked. i hated the aniticipation of a confirmation. it was clear to me that i did not have a plan of influencing the nurse manager to change her decision if she felt it was fitting for K to leave. i know she had to do what she had to do to keep their unit running smoothly. besides, i know i don’t  have that kind of influence. all i really wanted was to give K a heads up so she won’t splurge on her chirstmas shopping, and she can get ready to face the reality of looking for another job. just that. but still, i stalled. i didn’t go out of my way to see the manager. i was just secretly and passively hoping for an accidental encounter.

last night, the problem took care of itself. somebody, somebody who obviously has more guts than i have, actually called the nurse manager to get the facts straight. thank heavens, K will not be fired instantly. she will be given “the talk” first. as implied, K will be given another chance to correct her mistakes. i could have saved everybody the trouble of worrying if i did what i was supposed to do the moment i was supposed to do it. 

just a thought…what if the nurse manager didn’t feel like giving K another chance? what if she just shocked and fired her right away? the pain of being in between jobs is not an easy thing to discuss, so let’s not go there.

relieved as i am, i also feel terrible. i am such a wimp.
why is it that even good intentions cannot give me enough courage to do what is helpful?i’m supposed to be a grown up but i do not act like one.
when will that change?

anyway, i can only hope that if i was in K’s shoes, people who know me will not be a coward like me.

i almost questioned the dose. what can 0.1 mg do?

appparently, a lot.

he was way too sleepy for most of the day. when i came in, he opened his eyes and murmured his name for about 3 seconds, and then he was out. again.

other than the really slow and weird breathing, at first, there was really nothing to worry about. but, because he was not given any narcotic, everything seemed pretty blurry. the only glaring fact in front of us was that he was too sleepy, he was at the point of sleeping for good. which of course, was bad.

so, the narcan. the doctor wanted me to call him when i give the med. but he took forever, i did not wait. like the good drug handbook follower that i am, i gave it ultra slow, 0.1 mg for 15 seconds.

man, it was the closest i could get to witnessing a really dramatic resurrection. the once dead acting patient who lied there looking lifeless, all of a sudden reached out for his ears and said: “I LOST MY HEARING AID!” i thought it was funny that it was the first thing he said, but i was too ecstatic to see him move i just kept saying “B, B, are you okay?” like i was a stupid moron.

he may be hearing impaired, but he was not blind. he obviously saw me grinning like a little kid, and, clueless as to why i looked so elated, he said “CAN YOU GIVE ME A BLANKET, IT’S TOO COLD IN HERE.” i didn’t mind that he didn’t say please. i can give a little slack to a man who just came back from the dead. i can do that.

anyway, it reminded me of my cousin who was unable to speak for the first 9 years of his life. one day, he was accidently shot. the bullet went through one of his legs. it might have been the pain, the shock, the fear, or maybe, it was just the time for him to finally speak, who knows? well, the moment he realized he was shot, he screamed “COMMMMMMMMODE!”. why he chose that word, no one knows. but it sure was a memorable word to everyone who witnessed the event, which of course, everybody then called a miracle. i guess there was no other appropriate word anyway. actually, there still isn’t.

i digressed. sorry.

anyway, as i was saying, it was quite an amazing experience. it felt like it was me who did it. like i had the superpower. and you know, it was exhilirating to have that power. to push that very little amount of drug and see somebody literally (well, almost!) come back to life. it’s like magic! only, more adult and no tricks. i know this will make me sound so childish, but really, it felt great. and amazing.

i know. there’s still a long way to go. we still have to find out why my patient was so zonked like that. since there was no narcotic to blame, it will be a wild ride of guessing games, or i mean tests, before we’ll know the culprit.

an hour after he woke up, he started breathing weird again. he was eventually transferred to ICU for probable intubation, but still, he woke up at the perfect time. what can i say, it made my tiring night more rewarding. i didn’t find the missing hearing aid, but at least i brought my patient “back to life”.

or narcan did. i heart you narcan!

when you want to die, but don’t want to kill yourself, that’s not suicidal ideation, is it?

when your millionaire father died and he didn’t leave you a single cent, but left all his money to your kids, that’s not hatred, is it?

when you get a phone call and you always fast forward the conversation with your tone so you can go straight to goodbye, that’s not apathy, is it?

when you always stop yourself from saying something even if inside you are exploding, that’s not stupid submission, is it?

when you have everything you need and you feel like you were better off with less, that’s not ungrateful, is it?

when you can’t tell your spouse everything that goes on in your head, that’s not deception, is it?

when you change and wash your sheets after you have sex, no matter what time it is, that’s not weird, is it?

_____________________

considering any unspeakable or obvious circumstance, i would ask the same questions too.
but i don’t know the answers. 
even if i know the stories behind the questions like i know for sure that air is invisible. 
i will still be clueless.

now that they have their own kids and you get to spoil your grandkids when they are with you, do you honestly tell yourself… “well, it was all worth IT!”

IT meaning: the sleepless, physically draining nights when they were babies. the nonstop running around when they were toddlers. the chauffeuring, educating, listening to whining preschool and school age era. the deadly teenage rage and silence. the early adult confusions and scary choices. the adult issues of dealing with broken hearts and failures.

AND, the endless, constant fear in your heart that they will be hurt, harmed or killed by somebody.

PLUS, the lifetime of worries about them not being able to cope with what the real world can throw at them.

is IT all worth it? do you look at your kids, now all grown up adults with their own lives, and you actually say, with all honesty from your heart that all that you have done and tried to do as a parent is all worth it.

i ask this not because i do not love my kids, but because there are times when i look at them and i question my role in raising them up. if i am failing the very simple task of teaching my kids how to say “thank you” and “please”, what good have i done?

there are things that are way more serious than that, but if i fail the simplest of tasks, do i still have the authority to teach them the more complicated, grown up stuff?

well, i’m just curious. whether you are a grandparent or a parent who has some thoughts on this,  please share when you get a chance. and when you celebrate this thanksgiving, be thankful if your kids are thankful.

since it is thanksgiving, i’d like to say THANK YOU to all who drop by here, you have no idea how i appreciate it. a virtual family is what you are to me. happy thanksgiving to those who are celebrating! i’ll be working, so i hope you all have a good one. enjoy your turkey while i enjoy the hospital’s free dinner

also, cross your fingers with me, so that this coming thanksgiving shift will not be like this one.