the letter came in the mail. i had to appear in one of the courts in LA for the US citizenship oath taking ceremony a couple of weeks from now.

i was planning to wait till its over before i update you guys. not because this is something that i am trying to keep as a secret, but because i am a bit worried i might jinx it. for all i know, a few days before the ceremony, i might get a letter from the INS saying that the letter i got about the oath taking was a mistake. we’ll never know till it’s over, so i am still praying that everything will be okay.

so yeah, after endless pessimistic nights of waiting, the INS finally decided that i can now put my hand on my chest and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. your thoughts were highly appreciated. it kept me sane while waiting.

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a delayed apology can be a wasted apology. i decided to let my gut tell me what to do, so i waited till i work with P again. thing is, she never showed up after our little incident. i finally asked one of the charge nurses what happened to her. i found out she was on an indefinite leave because of a family emergency. something about their brand new house having plumbing problems, which flooded their whole house.

i honestly hope she is okay. by the time she shows up at work, i bet you she has forgotten what happened about the unlabeled specimen. i will remember, and yes, i will apologize if my guts happen to tell me that i need to.

like most of you though, everybody at work suggested that i keep quiet about it because i did the right thing. i am keeping your thoughts in my head, i am confident my guts will make me do the right thing. either way, i am at peace whether i end up apologizing or not.

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i worked last sunday, two nights before christmas. she was one of my patients again. the patient who asked me a difficult question.

she was very quiet, so i broke the ice. stupidly, i asked her about her 3 year old daughter. i used to see her in the hallway, or the charge nurse would let her see the patient for 15 minutes at visiting time. she must have had her when she was around 17 or 18.

of course, she started crying. she had a little girl, but she was also a little girl.

“i just want to be home for christmas May. they promised me that they will send me home before that. they told me they were just arranging for somebody to come see me at home to help my family deal with the feeding tube and the trach. they told me they will try to send me home before christmas. i don’t want to be here anymore. i feel like i am in jail, away from everybody else.”

i looked at the grinning picture of her little girl, taped to one of the siderails. i looked at her crying, and the sight broke my heart. there is something about motherhood. it connects you to another mother. we had this unspoken, but comprehensible language.

i didn’t stop her from crying. i told her to hang in there. i told her things take time sometimes.

“i just don’t care anymore you know. i just want to go home and be with my family and my daughter. i don’t care if they don’t find somebody to help me.”

i remember i told her to be a little more patient. i know it sounded shallow and meaningless. i don’t remember if my words comforted her, but i remember hearing her sob louder. i wanted to stay, but i had to leave. mainly because i have to attend to my other patients. and also, because i didn’t want to say something more stupid.

“i just don’t care anymore…”

that’s the last thing she told me that i can tell you. whatever you make out of that scene and that satement, i leave to you. let’s just say that if you are thinkng she sounded like she has given up hope, i will say i agree with you. if you are thinking she sounded like she has come to a point of total acceptance, i will say that i will also agree with you.

once again, this is a reminder of the confusing message of death. it is either final or passing. neither winning nor losing.

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just like any new year’s resolution, whether i change its name to new year plan like i did last year, a selfish plan is doomed to fail. last year, i started with a good plan. i don’t remember if i told you guys that i gained 40 pounds with each pregnancy, but i did. my second/youngest son turned 3 four months ago, and i still have 34 pounds to lose. i just wanted to look hot, and i failed.

if i know how to write a book, i will be able to write at least ten volumes, 700 pages each, of books explaining to the universe:

     1. why it is extremely difficult to lose weight.
     2. why pregnant women should kill every person that tells them this rusty
         but very believable line: “that’s okay honey, you are eating for two”. 
     3. why it should be illegal for patient’s family to give nurses cookies, chocolates, cakes, 
         chips, or ANYTHING that smells and looks like food.
     4. why it is critical that somebody invents a pill that erases lies/thoughts like:
                a. “i deserve to eat more, i was on my feet for 12 hours!”
                b. “i’ll just eat all the cookies, i will start my diet tomorrow anyway.”
                c. ”i don’t care if i’m fat, i am not defined by my weight.”

i could go on and on and on, but there are better things to be done, so i will spare you the boring litany. one good thing about the new year is that it brings us a certain mood of having the power to begin anew. i failed with my new year plan last year, but it doesn’t mean i should stop dreaming. besides, my goal now is to lower my cholesterol. i must admit looking hot can still be an issue, but i swear i should be done with that obsession.

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when i started blogging, my reasons were pretty selfish. free therapy and fun. i have never thought it will go beyond that.

a lot of readers who post comment and share their thoughts here have inspired me to be a better person. some readers, those who do not comment, email me and shared their thoughts about how they were able to relate to a certain story i posted, and felt better. there are even readers who just continuously lurk for whatever reasons, which i hope are positive reasons.

no matter what, i appreciate all of you guys. beyond words. you have no idea how, but you do. THANK YOU! so much. for your interest in my thoughts, and for unselfishly sharing your thoughts.

special thanks to SHANE, the one who manages this site. somebody whose name should be added in the dictionary to define the words very helpful.

a big chunk of thanks go to all the SPONSORS too. thank you!

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let us all welcome the new year with  hopeful hearts! let us enjoy the celebrations, count our blessings and believe the endless possibilities of something good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!