“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?”
“WHERE DID YOU GO?”
“I WAS WORRIED!”

since she wasn’t hard of hearing, i concluded that the patient assumed i was deaf. i also thought she was talking so loudly and slowly because she assumed i can’t understand english. everybody asked me why she was shouting, and i didn’t really have a valid answer, so i told them she thought i was deaf. i didn’t really have the guts to ask why.

although the yelling got into me sometimes, this post is not about her yelling the whole night. this is about how she blatantly refused ANYBODY to help her. “i just want MAY!”, she said a number of times.

i caught her at the brink of falling, wobbly and weak on her left leg with necrotic toes, trying to put the bedpan on the floor after she refused to be helped when the patient care assistant (PCA) came to answer her call.

“D, i don’t think you are strong enough to do that by yourself. didn’t somebody come to help you when you called?”

she answered with a few questions. she wanted to know where i was, what i have been doing when she called, why didn’t i come to see and help her right away. she then explained that two people answered her call, and she asked them to leave because they both looked so stupid.

she didn’t tell me directly, but she implied that if it was not me, she would rather fall and get hurt than be helped by anybody else. the whole night, she wanted me. just ME! “just MAY!” even taking her off the bedpan, was solely MY job. when she got desperate, tired of waiting for me, she endlessly criticized the PCA for not doing anything right.

i can’t put my finger to it, but i did not really like the whole idea. even when she told me over and over that i was the only one who can do what she wanted, i knew this was not a compliment. this was not something that flattered me or stroked my ego. i saw it as a subtle but certain way to manipulate me, because hey, i obviously did not show i had intentions of stopping her, no matter what she asked for.

i cannot lie about this. there were a lot of instances when i felt smothered, in a very bad way. she had me in the palm of her hand, and to think we were only together for 12 hours. she had that power. or rather, i allowed her to have that power. it made me wonder…what kind of power did she have over her family, or friends?

honestly, i didn’t mind the back rubbing and lotion scrubbing every 2 to 3 hours. i didn’t even mind the “can-you-stay-in-the-room-while-i-pee” request. not even the demand for gown washed only with hypoallergenic soap rattled me. i brushed her hair without questions. i was there everytime she needed me, not because i had to, but because i was this scared little girl who was warned, in between the lines, that  it will be my fault if something bad happened to her. to signify the importance of my presence, i was supposed to respond to all her calls right away, or it will be my fault if she gets agitated and her blood pressure shoots up.

the point of the matter is, i didn’t mind giving in. i didn’t feel bad doing the extra mile. i didn’t mind pampering her. i knew she was scared. i knew it terrified her that she will lose a couple of her toes, or maybe even her foot. i knew all that and it didn’t bother me that she wanted things done because she actually thought she might die during her surgery. 

what bothered me was the fact that somehow, even after all that, after giving her all that she asked for, it was not enough. a few times, i was severely reprimanded for not seeing her right away. even when i told her i was with another patient, she was livid, saying “but i need YOU!” over and over. it was almost impossible for her to accept that i cannot be in two places at the same time. it didn’t help that she liked bashing my coworkers. considering they were just trying to help, it was not pleasant to hear her talk trash about them. it annoyed me that she say something bad about other people who were just trying to answer her call.

it didn’t make me feel special that she thought and said i was the best nurse. when my shift ended, and she hugged me, crying tears of sincere gratitude, i didn’t feel like i made a difference. i didn’t feel good. on the contrary, i felt like everything was a fraud. i found the whole scene overly dramatic and unreal. it was supposed to be an emotional experience. it looked like it was for her, but for me, it wasn’t. i am embarassed to admit that i felt that way, but that is the truth.

there was something about her that reminded me of those who love to the point of violent possession and obsession. she was very generous with her words of praise and thanks, but i had all the reasons in the book to disregard her every word.

she was nice and she was mean. she was sweet, and she was rude.
most of the times, i do not get it.
i do not get people who consciously contradict themselves.
they confuse me. and they scare me.
even if they call me angel.