i am mad and i want to blame somebody. or something.

i want to blame her.

why did she do this to herself? why start with something like Percocet and end up with the list of medications, mostly with sedative effects, beyond what is considerably normal? how can she fill up her mouth with doritos, wash it down with soda and eat more cookies and then complain she is extremely nauseated and demand the Phenergan with her Dilaudid?

her total PO doses DAILY: Ativan 4 mg. Dilaudid 48 mg. Zofran 12 mg. Phenergan 50 mg. Meclizine 100 mg. Zanaflex 32 mg. Benadryl 50 mg. she also gets a total of Dilaudid 4.5 mg IV and Zofran 12 mg IV prior to wound dressing changes.

imagine working seven nights straight and on the eighth day, you are not supposed to sleep the whole day because you still have to watch a sick, very irritable baby. that’s how she was everytime she was awake. fogged, drugged, mumbling, redundant. she can hardly keep her eyes open, and was always groggy, that seeing her surrounded with half a cookie hanging out her mouth was not unusual.

still, the few minutes that she was awake, all she talked about was how unfair and inhuman it was of the doctors to decrease the dose of her pain medication, and how stupid it was of them to switch the Dilaudid and the Phenergan to PO.

i want to shake and wake her up. because i think she is in trouble. and because i think her husband needs a wife who is not overtaken by the power of drugs. and because i think it is still the right time, that she can still get that help.
i want to blame the doctors.

why did they allow her to have that power? why didn’t they stand up and say the obvious? was it because it was easier to write that prescription than confront her with the reality that she can officially be called an addict and she needed to face her demons? was it really their concern for the patient’s pain that compelled them to continue increasing her pain meds dose till she got to this point when she constantly desired to live within that fog? or was it the opposite?

i want to blame the availability of resources/money and the system.

first of all, the reason why i have never seen somebody like this in a third world county like the philippines, is basically because nobody can afford it. here, i am so tired or feeling bad for these patients. they test my patience, they push me to the limits, yet, they break my heart. i had one patient burst into tears to me before. she confessed being addicted and without flinching, blamed the system. you know, how easy it is to get away with more more more. so much easier than admitting, or being told, that she needed rehabiliation, not for her constant pain, but for the high she seeked from the pain relievers.

i don’t know. i have thought of everything i can do to fix something like this. i always thought i can change even a little thing. i have seen so many people who never intended to be dependent on something, and i wish i can just take them out of it snap my fingers so they can start anew. it is getting so frustrating. and depressing.

the saddest part is, i know now that i can never help them.
that it’s just me and my wishful thinking.

i can’t even decide on who to blame.
what made me think i have what it takes to make a difference in these people’s lives?
it’s just an unfunny joke.
ALL of it.