the intent of this post is to whine. big time.
if whining is not your kind of thing, you’ve been warned. 
if you think i am whining because i hate my job, you are wrong.
i don’t whine everyday. 
i just have to get it off my chest.
sometimes.

_________________________

the other night, i worked my butt off to the point where i was so tired, the idea of lying on the hospital floor to sleep, crossed my mind about a hundred times.

it wasn’t the kind of tired where i huffed or puffed here and there because my patients were getting sicker, but it was the kind of tired that physically and emotionally drained me. i maybe criticized for being really honest here, but there were a lot of instances when i thought and felt like i was faking being a professional, because the better word to describe what i was doing was being a SLAVE. i wound be emptying a bedpan, and inside the restroom, i would see my reflection on the mirror and feel so sorry for myself, i felt like a major loser.

i am perfectly aware that my job is to make my patients feel comfortable. i am not complaining because i am this stupid girl who didn’t know what i got into when i got into it. at work, there is nothing i want more but to make my patients feel that they are being cared for. it may sound so cliche, but i do want to make a diference in my patient’s lives by making their hospital stay least distressful.

but sometimes, certain unpredictable situations blur my ideals. the other night was one of those blurry nights. i felt used and abused. believe me, to set the record, i don’t take any of it against the patients at all. it was just a case of an imperfect list combination. i had to tell the charge nurse to break my list for the next shift because i could not bear to picture the AM nurse going through what i went through that night.

patient A was our 589 pounds male who had multiple wounds on his buttocks and was having severe diarrhea. i started the shift cleaning him. since everybody was busy, and i can’t wait to clean him, i tried the routine of pushing his leg to the other side to help him turn. i felt or maybe imagined my lower back made that little crackly sound when it is strained. he pooped four times, making me change his dressing twice, which each time, takes about 20-30 minutes.

patient B was a 400 plus pounds lady who was having asthma exacerbation, and for some reason, had the urge to pee every two hours or so. both her feet were bothering her, and she was not very stable. i would help her to the commode, clean her, and help her back to bed.

patient C was a two post C-section young woman who developed DVT and just had a filter placed. scared to move and just about everything going on, she was calling every 15 minutes, literally. i had to assist her pump her very uncomfortable engorged breast every 3 hours, i had to put her on a bed pan very often. her temperature was off the roof and she would be very cold one minute and be very warm the next. a number of times, i was called to either add or take off a blanket, change her gown, wipe her sweat, chnage her sheets.

the whole night, i was practically helping one of my patients, that the only time i get to catch my breath was when i would chart and get pain medications that they all want on a regular basis.

on the verge of tears, relieved that the shift was over, i talked to the morning charge nurse that i cannot have the same list when i go back the next night. i told him that it was not because it was a hard list, it was just a bad combination. what i didn’t tell him was that on top of being so exhausted, i have also worn myself out emotionally, by getting very invoved with my patients’ specific situations.

while dressing patient’s A’s wound, i would stop and feel so bad about how his young life is almost nonexistent because of his weight. just barely out of his teens, but confined to a bed like that, unable to even reach his own penis to put it in the urinal because of the size of his thighs. i was disheartened to see him eating a hamburger obviously sneaked in by his mom even when they were strictly instructed he was not allowed to eat food from outside. as a person who is struggling to lose a tiny fraction of the weight he needs to lose, i can only imagine his desperation and i know exactly why he is almost giving up. but as a mother, i feel for his mom too. i mean, his poor mother was understandably unable to bear the fact that he was getting weak, since he didn’t like any of the hospital food and was just trying to survive on liquids. i knew she meant well. the whole thing was just so sad.

when patient C would start wheezing, i had to shake my head off to erase the scene i see in my head. i have asthma, and when i say i know exactly how scary and uncomfortable it is to have that attack that might be your last, i know exactly what i am talking about.

numerous times, patient C cried about the possiblity of dying, and her fear that her kids would grow up without their mom. sobbing, she would often talk about ” my little girl is lucky you know, at least she hasn’t really known me yet. how about my three year old? he has been asking…” since i have my own 5 and 3 year old boys, and also having experienced C-section twice, it is a given why i totally feel patient C’s fears and pains.

after talking to the morning charge nurse, all was set and i was ready to go, the morning nurse asked for help to set up the breast pump. i had to go to the room for the last time. patient C asked me if i was coming back. i knew where the conversation was going, but i cannot lie to her. she wanted me back.

the truth is, there was a part of me that wanted so badly to refuse her request. i was too drained and just cannot do it for another night. but, i didn’t have the heart to say no. thing was, patient B was her roomate, and if i take her back, i had to take them both. even when i knew it was the right thing, my heart was kind of heavy when i talked to the AM charge nurse again to chnage my request and just give me both patients B and C back. i felt guilty for leaving patient A out, but it was the best i can come up with.

last night was not as tiring because i only got patient C back. i didn’t get to talk to the AM charge nurse about his decision, but i was grateful. the only downside was that it was awkward to hear patient B indirectly making me feel guilty by saying stuff like “last night was better…” every time i was helping patient C.

the dramas of being a nurse!
this is why i have no time to watch soap.
my work makes me experience more drama than i can ever take.

sometimes. just sometimes.