March, 2008 Archive

the moment i saw G, i knew right away. i knew that i wasn’t warmly welcomed in her world.

her face was the definition of pissed, and her demeanor was the perfect description of the all familiar “leave me alone” look. whatever it was that i learned in nursing school about building rapport flew out the windows because i was convinced we will never have that connection.

despite the icy reception, i had to do what i had to do, so i gave it my best shot. i started with a timid smile and introduced myself, telling her i was going to be her nurse for the rest of the night.

“all i want is some sleep. i haven’t slept for three nights now, and all i want is sleep. do what you have to do, pull the curtains, and close the door.”

it sounded like a pretty decent request, so i said yes to everything. she was in the transplant unit for two nights, because we didn’t have bed available. with all the tests and chaos, she was always disturbed by this and that, and when finally, on that third night, when she was allowed a moment of peace, they told her she will be transferred to our unit.

before i left, i placed the call light next to her, telling her she can call me anytime, if she needed anything.

“they told me my liver was failing….”

i looked at her and walked back to her bed. i expected her voice to quiver, i expected her eyes to be teary. there was none of that. she was calm, but detached. i stood there waiting, hoping she wanted to talk about it, but she chose to be silent.

“close the door when you go out.”

an hour later, the charge nurse told me she needed to move G to another room, because a few patients needed to be transferred and shuffled to accomodate two more admits coming. i hate it when things like these happen, but i know sometimes, the charge nurses do not have a choice.

convinced that giving her a good sleep for the night was the only good thing i can give this patient, i begged and said everything i could to change the charge nurse’s decision. i even went to the extent of telling her that G will definitely go home AMA (against medical advice) if she will transfer her.

when she eventually gave in to my request, i found out she decided to transfer another patient to G’s room instead. i went to the other patient’s room and found out she was a confused old lady who constantly yelled all sorts of things. i had to beg, for the second time, to change the charge nurse’s plans and give my patient a quiet roomate.

for the rest of the night, everytime i checked on her, she appeared asleep.

when i left in the morning, G looked rested but she still had that unfriendly, cold gaze. i didn’t take that against her. i knew her head was stuffed with a lot of things that scared her. i did want to be there while she processed those fears, but she was not ready to share, and i didn’t push it.

i can only hope i set the tone, so her next nurse, or the one after next, can get through her.

who knows?
talking about it might help lessen her fear, might help lighten her load.

i need your help. 

for weeks now, we all have the sniffles/sneezes/allergy sounding cough all the time.
it never goes away and it’s getting uncomfortable.

we are thinking that the solution to this is an air purifier. one that will work for a two story house, that is not that pricey. online search has been done, but  i would like to hear it straight from the horses’ mouth so to speak…..

we are still trying to figure out the budget, but we are highly considering it. once the money is available, we’re definitely getting one. here’s my request:

if you have used or are using one in your house right now, please tell me how it worked for you. there’s nothing more reliable than REAL people recommending something they have REALLY used. PLEASE leave a comment, or email me if you’re more comfortable that way. it will be highly appreciated.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

if i express how i feel or not feel at this very moment, the things that i will say will be things i will surely regret or deny in a few days.

sometimes, silence is a good thing.

especially if you have too many things in your head.
all of it mundane.

__________________

you don’t have to agree with me.
you just have to make sure you are not standing on the same plane.
it’s not very pretty.

i’m sure you already know that.
so i guess what i’m really saying is…
stay happy.

i think i have said this before.
i have an opinion about everything.
usually, i keep those opinions to myself.
mostly because, a lot of times, my thoughts oppose other people’s thoughts.
sometimes, because i am too lazy to be bothered.

however….

there are things that make me jittery. things that will eventually make me open my big mouth amidst endless chatter. things that i cannot let go without letting people know i have to call the obvious spade a spade, simply because it is a spade, period.

in the past few days, a thing like that happened at work, and again, in the blogosphere.

at work, i had to confront a charge nurse about her blatant, shameless declarations of using her little power to get even with another staff. she was handling their personal rift unprofessionally, and everybody boosted her supposed vindictive spirit by putting more coal to the fire, so to speak.

i personally do not approve of the staff’s attitude in question, but i strongly disagreed with the way the charge nurse was lording it over her just because she can. after hours of listening to her, i finally joined the circle and called her off on her very unprofessional behavior.

on the background, people’s mouths and eyes were wide open. i knew exactly what they were thinking, but there was no turning back. i said my piece, told her my opinion, and kept quiet for the rest of the shift. she clearly said this: “if you are nice to me, i will be nice to you. don’t mess with me.” 

i used to regard her highly and i have given her the respect she deserved for being the so gentle and caring with her patients. to find out she would go out and fight “eye for an eye” without considering the unfairness of situation is just way too much for me to handle. it is unchristian of me to say this, but no amount of niceness or apology can make me respect her the same way. i have kept my distance form her, not only because she scared me with what she can further do with her little power and i don’t want to mess with her, but also because i do not know how to treat her anymore.

when she left, people told me they all agreed i was right, and she was wrong.

why do people do that?
“you are right May….you were so right for calling her off….what she did was not right…”
how can they all say that to me, but never to her?

i understand they might have been scared of calling her off because she was the charge nurse, but why agree with her if they thought she was wrong? if i completely oppose somebody’s words and actions and i am scared of the repercussions of calling that person off, the least i can do to maintain my integrity is to keep my mouth shut. but that’s just me.

apparently, despite the supposed professional facade we all try so hard to show off, we are just these little kids who are terrified of going against the crowd.

then…

there was Dan.

i do not use the word “bollocks” in my daily conversations, but i do think i understand what it means. to read something like this…”the idea of the meaningfulness of caring for people is bollocks” indirectly thrown in response to MY comment threw me off and instantly made me sarcastic.

Beth, thank you for explaining. i’m sorry for using your comment section, venting off with obvious sarcasm. i know it is frustrating to deal with a crappy system. as i said, i understand why that kind of disappointment forces other nurses to leave nursing, but i’m glad you also understood that apathy or the lack of desire or actions to change things is not the only reason some of us are staying.

the thing is, i cannot stand it when people generalize every single nurse as a person who does not sincerely care for what they do, but are just in their job for other reasons. that conclusion that since nursing is basically carrying out doctors’ orders and cleaning up after dirty patients, it must be something that one only does for the love of money and the lack of energy and drive to do something better. THAT kind of generalization makes my blood boil, and my big mouth open.

i am not being a hypocrite.
i do need the money i get from my job.
i have a mortgage to pay, kids to support, and things to buy.
there are times when i get so tired at work that i wish i am at a different place.
there are flaws in the system that frustrate and irritate me.
there are dramas at work that i sometimes wish i am spared.

but….

at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, i go home, and i feel fulfilled.
fulfilled in a way that i cannot continue to literally elaborate without sounding like a fake, altruistic bitch.

all i can say is…despite all the poops, the vomits, the achy legs and back, the usual abuse and frustrations, unbelievable as it may sound, i still find myself wanting to go back. i go to sleep knowing i have made a tiny difference in a patient’s life. that is enough to keep me going and to keep me doing.

i respect people who don’t feel the way i do about nursing, but i am offended when the authenticity of the fact that i find meaning in doing my little tasks is being questioned. i understand that sometimes, it comes out as apathy that i still practice when there are so many irritating flaws in the system, but i do not appreciate it when my willingness to stay without directly lobbying for that needed change is interpreted as being phony.

on a similar note, i have very high regard for teachers. i don’t have the accurate numbers, but i do think they don’t get paid enough, and they face a lot of loopholes in the system. i have met teachers who continue to do it, because they find meaning in caring for the growth of their students. now, you can call that bollocks, but i choose to call it sincere dedication. instead of saying that they maybe lying about their innate desire to mold kids into responsible adults, or that they are just rationalizing, i thank them. the fact a lot of them find meaning in their jobs made me who i am today.

if one single patient i have cared for feel that same kind of gratefulness towards me, i think my life is not in vain.

yes, i have very strong feelings about the whole issue.
i know i could have expressed my thoughts in a less sarcastic way, but sometimes (and i am not saying this to excuse my rudeness), being offended blurs my senses.