the moment i saw G, i knew right away. i knew that i wasn’t warmly welcomed in her world.

her face was the definition of pissed, and her demeanor was the perfect description of the all familiar “leave me alone” look. whatever it was that i learned in nursing school about building rapport flew out the windows because i was convinced we will never have that connection.

despite the icy reception, i had to do what i had to do, so i gave it my best shot. i started with a timid smile and introduced myself, telling her i was going to be her nurse for the rest of the night.

“all i want is some sleep. i haven’t slept for three nights now, and all i want is sleep. do what you have to do, pull the curtains, and close the door.”

it sounded like a pretty decent request, so i said yes to everything. she was in the transplant unit for two nights, because we didn’t have bed available. with all the tests and chaos, she was always disturbed by this and that, and when finally, on that third night, when she was allowed a moment of peace, they told her she will be transferred to our unit.

before i left, i placed the call light next to her, telling her she can call me anytime, if she needed anything.

“they told me my liver was failing….”

i looked at her and walked back to her bed. i expected her voice to quiver, i expected her eyes to be teary. there was none of that. she was calm, but detached. i stood there waiting, hoping she wanted to talk about it, but she chose to be silent.

“close the door when you go out.”

an hour later, the charge nurse told me she needed to move G to another room, because a few patients needed to be transferred and shuffled to accomodate two more admits coming. i hate it when things like these happen, but i know sometimes, the charge nurses do not have a choice.

convinced that giving her a good sleep for the night was the only good thing i can give this patient, i begged and said everything i could to change the charge nurse’s decision. i even went to the extent of telling her that G will definitely go home AMA (against medical advice) if she will transfer her.

when she eventually gave in to my request, i found out she decided to transfer another patient to G’s room instead. i went to the other patient’s room and found out she was a confused old lady who constantly yelled all sorts of things. i had to beg, for the second time, to change the charge nurse’s plans and give my patient a quiet roomate.

for the rest of the night, everytime i checked on her, she appeared asleep.

when i left in the morning, G looked rested but she still had that unfriendly, cold gaze. i didn’t take that against her. i knew her head was stuffed with a lot of things that scared her. i did want to be there while she processed those fears, but she was not ready to share, and i didn’t push it.

i can only hope i set the tone, so her next nurse, or the one after next, can get through her.

who knows?
talking about it might help lessen her fear, might help lighten her load.