fragmented
the trip was long and tiring but it was worth it.
we headed north, stayed two nights at morro bay, and a night in san francisco. while driving on unfamiliar freeways, with the kids alternately throwing up on an empty popcorn bucket, we vowed to continue to love and cherish each other till we both breathe our last. well, not that mushy literally, but you get the drift.
six years ago, my husband and i said those two familiar words. we promised to be there for each other in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer…and all those gooey good stuff. to celebrate, last weekend, we decided to get away. aside from the pure, unadulterated fun of spending time together as a family, i have saved some random thoughts:
1. you need to be a creative genius to drive and park in san francisco downtown area. since i am not, i will never dare live there.
2. somewhere in northern california, there is a town called Harmony. it has a population of 18, and in the whole town, there were three houses. i was able to resist the urge to barge in uninvited in one of the houses, because it would have been strange. but really, did they get the name of their town because there was harmony between everyone, or did they choose to live there because it was called Harmony? i don’t know, the whole idea fascinated me and i can’t get over it. i mean, in the philippines, with 14 kids, that whole population is just a single family!
3. i highly recommend a tour of the Hearst Castle. i swear, if it was only allowed, i would have camped in front of that castle and just be continuously overwhelmed by the beauty and grandeur of the sight of nature. the structure itself was amazing, the art collections and details were almost unbelievable, but the real killer was the view. i am not saying or asking this to offend anybody who doesn’t believe in a Creator, but standing on top of that mountain, overlooking the ocean, made me curious: do people who do not believe the world was created by a Higher or Supreme Being feel the same amount of awe and humility believers like me feel when we see how majestic and breathtaking nature is?
4. the GPS is a nagging, but dependable thing. it’s like after almost 8 hours drive from san francisco back to our place, we have developed a great respect for the gadget, we immediatley thanked her when she said “arriving at destination!” it’s almost like she cheered us on and made us proud, we automatically called her “Friend”.
5. thank heavens for cheap but reasonably livable motels like this one. it didn’t matter that the owner/manager who never introduced himself was way too professional to be friendly, we still loved it that there was always milk for the cereal in the free continental breakfast promo.
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the trip refreshed and prepared me to go back to work.
if not, how was i able to stop crying when i took care of my patient who had traumatic brain injury? already in his early 70s, he looked terribly worn out. he was assaulted last year, by a former employee, who was seriously cunning and mean enough to leave him alive, but almost lifeless. he was mostly asleep, but when awakened by anything, he would repetitively say haunting, begging words that would touch anybody’s heart.
“stop beating me, beating me, beating me, beating me, stop beating me”
“i’ve had enough, you can take everything, i’ve had enough, take everything”
“enough enough enough, i’ve been beaten up beaten up beaten up”
“what have i done what have i done what have i done”
there was something chilling in the way he said the same words over and over with that monotone and accurately the same rhythm that literally crushed our hearts. the way he looked so terrified and scared was daunting. he maybe lying there unaware of everything around him, even his own name, but the trauma of the last and most horrible pain he experienced before he lost his senses was obviously stuck clearly in his memory.
the whole thing was sad . there was no other way to put it. i found it unnerving that the nurse who gave me report frankly said “when you see this patient, you will honestly wish that the guy who beat him up just killed him right there. it’s almost like he meant him to suffer for the rest of his life by leaving him alive, but worse than dead.”
i didn’t say goodbye to him this morning. i left with a heavy heart, because sadly, whether i admit it or not, there was a part of me that wished the same thing that the previous nurse did. i felt guilty for feeling that way, but it was just so difficult to watch or to listen to him reciting the same words in that crying voice.
“i’ve been beaten up beaten up beaten up beaten up beaten up”
“stop beating me up stop stop stop beating me up”
“i’ve had enough enough enough enough enough enough”
sometimes, we just need to get away.
even if there is nothing to celebrate.
sometimes, it scares me.
i am dreading the day when getting away will never be enough to lighten a heavy heart.
