she said somebody used to call her BULLDOG back in the days.
for her, black was ALWAYS black, and white was ALWAYS white.

she was the charge nurse one day, and in came a visitor for one of the patients. the nurse who was taking care of the gentleman was out on break, and the secretary referred the visitor to her. it was 12:30 in the afternoon and the visiting time was 1:00 pm.

she talked to the visitor, who was the sister of the patient, and she told her about the visiting hours. she said she was very pleasant about the whole thing, and suggested to the lady that we had a really nice gift shop down the lobby, and maybe, she will find something interesting there. it was 30 minutes before the visiting hours started, so she was welcome to come back at 1 o’clock to see her brother.

since it was a really nice gift shop, the visitor did not notice time, and was there for awhile. it was a few minutes after 1 o’clock when she eagerly came up the unit to see her brother. only, the never saw him alive, because he never made it.

it was one of those unexpected codes. the patient was not in distress and had no signs of going into any kind of distress. it was one of those times. unfortunately, unpredictable as some codes can be, it happened a few minutes after his sister left, and he did not survive. when the sister came up at 12:30, he was “perfectly fine”, so what was the big deal with the 30 minutes wait, just to strictly stick to the visiting hours?

well, the obvious difference was that, if she only let her see him earlier than the visiting time, the visitor would have seen her brother alive, even for the last time. that would have been a big deal.

she said this whole experience softened and changed her. also, it haunted her for years. she did not say it, but as one of the unit managers now, years after this little incident, she looked like she had moved on, learned her lesson, and was now very comfortable sharing her story even when she admitted it was not one of her proudest moments. she added that this experience, AND motherhood changed her outlook a lot.

i guess what she meant was that, now, she is aware that black is not always black and white is not always white. if you ask me, the gray areas are where your heart is truly tested.

i sat in that class, listening to that experience, (which was told to emphasize the importance of our new “24 hours visiting time policy” which will be implemented a few days from now), and my head was spinning with a lot of thoughts.

i was fascinated with how she told the story without inhibitions. if that happened to me, i don’t think i will ever be comfortable talking about it in public, especially in front of a group of nurses who see me everyday. i just do not have that confidence.

as one who never takes the visiting hours and policies to the letter, i was amazed at how some people never see beyond the literal numbers on the clock just to stick to the rules.

i was curious how she was able to get past the guilt, especially if she saw the sister that afternoon, probably inconsolable after her brother’s untimely death. how do you get a picture like that off your head like a sickening scene from an unforgettable movie?

furthermore, having four brothers who all mean a lot to me, i wondered how the visitor was able to forgive herself, and forgive the charge nurse for what happened.

i don’t know.
i was in that class last week, and i still can’t get over it.
sometimes, i waste too much time thinking about things.