when i came in tuesday night, i saw the code cart out of its proper place, obviously used.
my first instinct was to look at room 4.

the room was being cleaned, and my patient was not there. i gathered my wits and looked for somebody who wasn’t too busy to bug, hoping it wasn’t him.

i remember telling him tuesday morning that i will see him that night. he had been in and out of our unit for a while now. we all started with a gross feeling of disgust over his sexually oriented talks and subtle advances, but he came around and have been pleasant.

“May, will you be my nurse again tonight?”

“i will be here R, unless you kick me out”, i joked.”

“i want you back, you silly”, he laughed.

it can’t be him. he was okay when i left. everything was okay and he was getting ready to transfer back to the skilled nursing facility.

my wish was granted. it turned out, the case manager was able to arrange his transfer a little faster, and got transferred to the facility earlier than expected. i was so relieved when i found out it wasn’t him i almost hugged the PCA who told me.

then i found out it was her. i was told it was a very intense code and although she made it to the point where she was stable enough to be transferred to ICU, she did look like she will eventually lose the battle.

i hope so. i hope she dies.
i wished this without a tinge of guilt.

it is unusual for  me to wish somebody’s death no matter what the circumstance. the only deal was, death was the very thing she wanted. i can even say there have been times when she was literally begging for it, but was too scared to change her own advance directives.

i hope she finds the rest she wanted. in peace. soon.