“i don’t know how to do this but…”

i hate it when somebody starts talking like that. he was breathing really fast and i can almost see his heart coming out of his chest. we were standing on top of a little hill. it was a little park that has a lot of character. i can hear the kids screaming and giggling. it was a little bit windy but it wasn’t the kind of wind that was annoying.

“…i figured you probably noticed it anyway, so i might as well just tell you…”

again, that beating heart almost visibly falling out of his chest. i didn’t look at him, and i’m pretty sure he thought i wanted him to continue and get done with it already. the truth was, i wanted him to shut up. i just wanted him to shut up.

“i know you think i am such a jerk for saying this, but i just want you to know i have felt this way for a very long time now. i just don’t know how long i can keep it to myself anymore. your sister will probably kill me if she finds out, but i…”

the girls were screaming. their mom was running after them, pretending she can’t keep up, pretending she was a scary mommy monster. my litle sister. her two girls are growing so fast but i still can’t grasp the whole idea of her being a mother. i’ve always thought we will enjoy the experience together. our kids will be playing together, stuff like those. while she has gone thorugh all the pregnancy and motherhood ups and downs, i was just at the sidelines. cheering her on, jealous.

“i’m in love with you…”

i didn’t look at him but i told him to stop. i told him to shut up.

“but that’s the truth. i just want you to know. if you feel the same way, i’m willing to leave your sister…”

i’m sure the girls were still screaming and giggling. but i didn’t hear any of it. i only heard his uneven, shallow breaths.

“ i’m so sorry. it’s just that last week, when we were alone and you looked at me, i was convinced you felt the same…”

i told him to tell my sister and the girls that i had to leave early. that i wasn’t feeling well. i ran, my knees wobbling. i didn’t say goodbye. i should have.

i sat in the car shaking. my heart beating so fast i almost felt it falling out of my chest. crying wasn’t really planned but it happened anyway. i didn’t know what it was exactly that i was crying about, but there i was, forehead on the steering wheel, both hands on my face, sobbing like a little girl.

i don’t remember how long i was there. or how i got home. or how many hours i slept. i don’t even know why i was so sure the messages on the phone were from him, but i pressed “play”  anyway.

“please. let’s talk, i’m so sorry.”
“call me. please.”
“i didn’t mean to hurt your sister. i loved her when i married her.”
“let’s figure this out. i want you.”

his words were soothing. it sounded fluid and certain. it sounded solid but doubtful. i listened over and over. and it felt so right. so perfect. how can something as beautiful as this be so terribly wrong?

how can he be so sure about last week?

how is it that a fleeting moment of looking at someone can mean a thousand words? we were in the kitchen. when our skin touched, it wasn’t the first time. being around their house often, there were countless of times when we have had those awkward encounters. i have always been guarded and i was convinced he didn’t sense a thing.

last week was different. it was stupid, i know that. it was an instant of just letting the feeling flow. no inhibitions, no words, just unspoken expression. it wasn’t even a second, but his skin seemed familiar. very familiar. i thought i tried to be discreet. i  wanted that moment to last forever. i looked at him. a quick look by itself, but the kind of look that penetrates the soul. the kind of look that only lovers comprehend.

how he sensed, in all its honesty, the meaning of a fleeting moment, i do not know. what i know now is that he understood that for both of us, it was one of those unexplainable, amazing moments. i didn’t know it will even come to this. there is an unending list of questions.

unfortunately, i don’t have any acceptable answer.
i love my sister and the idea of betraying her is beyond unthinkable.
i don’t know how, but i know exactly why i shouldn’t.

i realized that i know people who had more pain than this. i know this thing will pass. i know that. the only thing is, i can’t seem to look beyond today, beyond the agony.

there is one more thing i don’t really know.
i don’t know what is more painful.
a love purposely repressed.
or a love finally expressed but will never be.