unknown cause of death
i don’t even know how old she was. i only assumed she was in her 70s, because she has grown up daughters who looked like they were in their 50s.
they were the typical close knit family. there was always somebody at the bedside. one of the daughters, or sometimes, both of them. the very first thing they told us when their mom was admitted, was the STRICT instruction of not telling the patient what was wrong with her. under no circumstance was she supposed to find out that she had lung cancer, stage 4.
i won’t go into details of how the patient’s two daughters drained the patience and compassion of every single nurse who took care of their mom, because that would be a boring, redundant story. i will also spare you the details of how the doctors spent a LOT of time talking to them about every little detail of their mother’s condition, because they refused to accept the fact that she was dying.
my mom was very sick before she died and let’s just say i knew exactly what they were going through. i understood their state of denial and i knew why they were very persistent about keeping her a full code.
although i can criticize them for being rude, and it boggles me why some family members do not realize how pointless it is to be rude to someone who actually takes care fo their sick loved one, i will not criticize them. not only because i didn’t have the chance to be subjected to their unacceptable behavior (because their mom was never assigned to me), but also because i am aware that sometimes, stress and the anticipation of grief make people do and say unacceptable things.
what i can’t wrap my head around however, was their insistence to keep their mother’s illness a secret. i honestly think it was very unfair, to say the least. there she was, gasping for air, surrounded by healthcare people all the time, unable to speak and understand a word of english, lost in the translation of it all, unaware of why she felt like her life was slowy but surely drifting away.
they reasoned that their mother was a very pessimistic human being who, as far as they were concerned will not benefit from finding out the truth. they said the minute she finds out she had cancer, she will just give up hope and that will surely hasten her death. they strongly believe that with the help of eastern treatments and medicine, she will still make it and live longer. they believed that every western doctor had predicted the wrong outcome.
granted this was true, i still do not agree with the idea of leaving their mother in the dark. if you ask me, it was cruel, inhuman, and unfair that even in her last hours, she didn’t know what was killing her. it wasn’t enough that she might have had the idea. it was not right that they knew exactly why, and they never told her.
but then again, within families, there’s probably no definite rules about what is right and what is wrong.
Whatever happened to patient’s right to know and be educated in their illness? It’s the doctor’s unethical behaviour that is wrong.
Comment by alwaysmrsghost — July 3, 2008 @ 9:39 am
i can surely understand how frustrating it is for us nurses to take care of someone with unappreciative and rude relatives. it’s also sad that even if we give our 110% care, they seem to be unsatisfied.
Comment by andre — July 4, 2008 @ 2:55 am
how can someone not know what is wrong with them???
that is mind boggling why no one would say a word.
happy 4th may!
Comment by kimmyk — July 4, 2008 @ 7:04 am
You said, “i am aware that sometimes, stress and the anticipation of grief make people do and say unacceptable things.” I think that was a wise observation that you had.
It’s to bad that when she was at deaths door that they didn’t tell there mother what was wrong. That’s difficult for me to understand.
Comment by Awake In Rochester — July 4, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Fascinating. Incredibly screwed up, though. The daughters, I mean
Comment by shrimplate — July 4, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
My mom was the same way with my dad. She refused to tell him that he had stage 4 lung cancer for the exact same reason that the daughters had. That’s always been a sore topic between me and my mom because I felt that my dad had a right to know. Of course he knew. He isn’t stupid and knows his body better than anyone of us.
Comment by r — July 5, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
You mention the patient did not speak English. Their decision not to tell their mother was probably a reflection of their culture. Many cultures believe that to speak about death, illness, fires, floods, etc is to invite the horrible event itself. You don’t talk of it or dwell on it and there is nothing in the culture that makes doing so ok. Societal norms don’t always make sense, especially to those not of the particular society in question.
While it was probably way more complicated than JUST that, i bet that was a big factor. And big reason why we just don’t get it.
That being said, it’s still an incredibly difficult situation.
Comment by hbirdrn — July 12, 2008 @ 1:38 am