i never thought i’d say it, but last night, i did.
as always, i’m sort of beating myself up for saying it, but what can i do, i can’t take my words back.

one of my patients was having DT, and by far, he has exceeded every encounter i had with expletives. he has called me every unacceptable name in the book, including fat face and pig face. he started, ended, and elaborated his every sentence with the F word, i just got tired of cringing.

at 2000, his repeat potassium was still low, so the doctor ordered two doses of potassium tablets. if you have taken or seen those things, they are humongous! i cut two in halves and offered it to him after convincing him that he badly needed it. he did take the tablets in between cursing and yelling for me to get the f#*k out of there. he started chewing the tablets, and i imagined how bitter it was, so i offered him apple juice, which, to my surprise, he sipped without argument.

when he started gargling the juice, i should have taken the hint, but sometimes, to my disadvantage, i have too much trust in humanity, even for people like him who was logically out of logic. he looked away, i breathed a sigh of relief, expecting he was swallowing. it was too late when i realized that he was aiming his lips directly at my face. with all the strength he could muster, he spit the chewed KCl and apple juice mixture. most of it went to my scrub, but my face wasn’t spared. he then belted out a devilish laugh and said ” i told you to get the f#*k out of here, didn’t i?” then he started kicking, missing the doctor’s chest by an inch, because she pulled away by instinct.

giving in to the frustration that had been building up in the past hours, i wiped the goo off my face, stopped myself from crying out of frustration, and said “i am not paid enough to do this job!”

words, that in a million years, i have never imagined i will ever ever say for real. you know, like i really mean it. and last night, i really meant it.

i did, and though i hate to admit that i am one of those stereotypical guilt ridden christians, i would be lying if i say i do not regret saying it.

anyway, it’s past now, and there is no way i can take it back. it made me wonder if this sudden change in behavior is a sign that  i am not cut for the bedside nursing challenges anymore. if my patience quotient has reached it limits and i am now devoid of compassion that i should seriously consider other nursing options, those that do not involve dealing with confused patients.

i’m just reflecting, just wondering outloud.