when patients and their family members assume i don’t speak or understand english, it doesn’t bother me. i am aware that not everybody knows english is sort of our second language.

however, when they assume i am extremely stupid based on their initial assumption that i don’t speak or understand english, that is a totally different story. at first it offends me, then, it annoys me. that is because, yes, i have moments of stupidity, but i refuse to accept the “extremely stupid” label all the time.

especially when after they talk to me, they hear me answer their questions back in a clear, straightforward way that implies i happen to understand and speak their language pretty well, and they still talk to me VERY VERY slowly and pronounce every single word in such a condescending tone, even a kindergarten will notice the hints of obvious sarcasm and ridicule.

i have insecurities. i am not unaware of that. i do not expect other people to feed my ego like it is their business. i just hate it when they consciously do things to step on it like they think they are entitled to.

i remember one patient a couple of years ago, who after having an ET tube out, still had that hoarse, inaudible voice when he spoke. he asked me to change his diaper, and when i didn’t hear him clearly at first and asked him to please say what he said again, he said : D-I-A-P-E-R. he spelled it like i was this little girl with a big “STUPID” sign on my forehead. he then continued by asking “diaper, you know, this one, (pointing to the one he was wearing) don’t have this where you came from?”

in retrospect, this incident wouldn’t have bothered me, if he was simply trying to find out if the philippines was that remote that its citizens were yet to lay our eyes on a disposable diaper. i understand honest ignorance like that, because i am not well informed about other countries too. thing was, he had that look and that smirk, concluded with that laugh and head shaking that said it all.

it’s the first day of august, and i know i shouldn’t start it with ranting, i know that. i have to do it though, because taking care of my patient for two nights, and maintaining my composure and professionalism while he and his significant other treated me like some kind of a clueless moron just because i have an accent nearly drained me dry. i won’t elaborate on the encounters because frankly, the emotions i attached to it are very negative, and are still very raw. i felt insulted by the way they treated me. i’ll just leave it at that.

i hate it that i am so idealistic/unrealistic in expecting that patients are supposed to appreciate their nurses, no matter where they come from, as long as they are doing their job. the sad truth is, sometimes, doing one’s job, and even going the unexpected extra mile is still not enough.

sometimes, a better life because of a better pay is overrated. sometimes, it feels like it is not worth it. especially when you get treated like that. it sounds melodramatic, but honestly, sometimes, it sucks to work in another country, when you can work in your own and take care of sick people who speak your own language and share your skin color. it’s not literally easier, it’s just less complicated. but of course, i’ll also admit that going home and working with less complications (and getting paid $200/month) when one has two kids to take care of is not a very smart move. that’s why i choose to stay.

don’t get me wrong, this is not everyday. i blame no one but myself. i wasn’t forced at gunpoint to come here. i take full responsibility in my decision to see and experience a greener pasture so to speak. i know this decision has consequences. i am supposed to face those consequences like a grown up and shut up.  

i know that. i am just in a whining mood. i am not complaining, acting like a certified ingrate. what this is is a therapeutic early morning rant after two crappy nights at work. i indulged in venting to feel better.

to those who understand, my sincere thanks.