another alzheimer’s victim
i looked away when she went out of the room, almost running, trying to get away from it all.
her voice was tensed and i knew it took a lot to hold those tears. she told me to hold her mother’s right arm, and make sure she won’t reach her foley catheter. i have never seen a tiny, frail looking old lady get so pumped up, that it took four nurses to stop her from getting up and pulling her IV line. i think she didn’t weigh more than a hundred pounds, but as she gripped my arms, she scared me.
she was screaming, her voice hoarse but determined, it scared the patient in the other bed. obsceneties that i have never imagined she knew, she smugly belted out. i’m pretty sure she wasn’t like this. the face of her on-the-verge-of-tears daughter said it all. this wasn’t the same person she called mom, this wasn’t the same person she knew.
while keeping her hand still, i asked if she wanted to sing. she said no, but i started softly humming “amazing grace” anyway. to my surprise, the other nurse sang a little bit louder than i did, and the next thing we knew, the patient was singing with us, slightly gasping for air.
after a line or two, she started shouting again. the charge nurse decided to transfer the anxious patient in the other bed, we got another nurse to almost pin the patient down, so she can be given a shot. she eventually calmed down, a dressing was placed on a skin tear caused by her kicking the siderails, new blankets replaced the bloody ones that covered her prior to her pulling her IV access out. i wiped her sweaty forehead and stroked her hair, went outside to get her daughter, who, like me, was speechless as we walked what seemed to be an endless hallway from outside, back to the patient’s room.
she started talking to her mom with that controlled but undeniably shaky voice, we all sighed a deep breath, went out of the room, and quietly mulled over our future.
we all had that look that said nothing but meant everything. even when silence seemed enough, i couldn’t stand it. i looked around and begged. ”please, if i ever get alzheimer’s, can somebody go to my house with the insulin, and just give me a thousand units?”
i didn’t say it out loud, but i wanted to add…”so i can call it a day, die in peace, and leave this world without causing so much sadness i didn’t even know, and so much pain i didn’t even intend.”
I had a patient today who had Alzheimer’s and she was perfectly with it one minute the next a crying mess screaming at me because she thought I was her daughter and I took her dog. It was absolutely terrifying and sad to be a part of that because no matter what I said she was not buying my story and she got really ticked.
I pray I keep my memories.
Comment by kimmyk — September 18, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
Oh yeah, forgot…
I didn’t notice you moved me, but thank you. I hope one day very soon and if I’m half the nurse as you May, I will be proud of myself.
Thank you.
Comment by kimmyk — September 18, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
i am still a novis nurse of 3 years. i guess no matter how long a nurse we r all still novis. we never stop learning. i started out in med surg and loved it. i learned more there in 6 months than in my years of nursing school. but through a series of events i ended up back in geriatric (cna before). i swore to myself after i started nursing school that i would not end up a nursing home nurse. i didnt want to be a pill pusher. i have found my calling. to make the end of life as comfortable and productive as possible. yes i am there to save a life if necessary (if i can), but most r ready to go HOME. Families stay away because they cant stand to see their loved ones CHANGE from that once independent stubborn one they depend on. we as nurses and cnas become their family for the most part. we learn their little idiosincra that make them an individual not the receiver of pills 2 times each shift. some get angry at their pain some cry for their past, but above all the hurt tears anger and smile i put my needs on hold for my shift because they (and the families) need me to do i was hired to do. i am not just a pill pusher in a nursing home. i am protector (sometimes from theirselves), a comforter, a friend, to some a daughter that is mia, a feeder, a denture claener, sometimes their hands and feet. i am like most other nurses that curse under their breath at dr that wont call back when i need notify themn of an emergency with the patient. i get frustrated by being short staffed, and the attitude from all feeling the strain, but i love my residents. i could not see doing anything else for my life. after all we will all be ther eventually. this is a salute to all nurses that give their life to their pt/residents 1 shift at a time.
Comment by pink lady — October 2, 2008 @ 8:24 am