mama blues
if my mom didn’t die in 2001, she would have turned 74 today. it would have been expected that the memory of her birthday caused this bout of deep ugly thoughts, but hosnestly, it really doesn’t have anything to do with it. for the most part, i always focus on the the memories of her life that bring back happy thoughts, and these ponderings are far from happy.
a couple of nights ago, at work, i rode the elevator down to the pharmacy, and a nurse from the third floor joined me. i knew she was working at the birth center, because her badge said so. the lanyard that hung around her neck was probably given to her for free, or she could have bought it to express her personal noble sentiment, i don’t know. i didn’t ask. what i did know was, oblivious to my presence, she didn’t notice i was staring at the words written on her lanyard, and my thoughts brought me somewhere else.
“babies are born to be breastfed babies are born to be breastfed babies are born to be breastfed babies are born to be breastfed”
i remember my aunt telling me “you didn’t try hard enough, you have no patience, and you don’t know how to sacrifice”. words spoken right after she found out i only breastfed (well, technically, breastpumped, since he was in the NICU the first 8 days of his life) my eldest for 15 days. a decision i made then that obviously still haunt me with guilt now that he is already 5 years old. he never had a major illness, except if you count unresolved hydronephrosis, which he was diagnosed with, when he was just 20 weeks in utero.
i got the same kind of remarks from well meaning family members/friends when they found out i breastfed my second son for 15 days only. he is 4 now, never had a major illness, except if you count the fact that he is still being followed up by an ophthalmologist for having delayed visual response, which was noted when he was only a week old. they are both healthy and active, but if they grow up and encounter ANY kind of problem, the possibility of blaming myself for not persevering with breastfeeding them till they were 2 years old will be as predictable as the sunrise.
i never listened to mozart to increase the chance of my kids being musically inclined, or i didn’t read the encyclopedia to prepare them for college entrance tests. i didn’t do any of those things suggested by studies to make a kid’s life predictably successful in the future, yet i am hopeful. hopeful that they will turn out as good citizens, as opposed to being the menace of society
my mom didn’t really know how to read that much. she was only able to sign her name and write numbers, and she barely finished first grade. she probably breastfed all 8 of us for a month or two, then left us to my grandma while she worked her butt off so we can have food on the table. she was physically abusive, and to her defense, didn’t really know any better.
a few years before her death, i started my journey of truly knowing who she was and why she did the things she did. i found out what i wanted to know, and to facilitate healing, forgave and accepted her. to my surprise, on her part, i have never sensed a hint of guilt, not a sense of regret as far as raising her children was concerned.
she was not guilty she didn’t plan all her pregnancies. no guilt in not reading or not singing to us. no guilt in beating some of us till we bled. no guilt in “abandoning” us, leaving us to my grandma so she can work. no guilt. all she knew was, she did what she thought was best, and that was enough.
she passed away without worldly honor and accolades, but one thing she didn’t lack was the genuine love from her children. when we were all mature enough to see beyond the pain, we all chose to accept and understand, and we understood she did her best, and we truly loved her for that.
that’s all i want from my kids. that when they grow up, or even when i’m gone, they would know one certain thing. that their mother loved them. if they returned that love, that would be the bonus.
as far as i know, we all we returned that flawed but sincere love. my mom knew that, and she didn’t flinch in owning that knowledge. no amount of guilt haunted her for the sugary foods she gave us, for the hurting words she threw at us, for her absence from our student life, or for missing out on those well talked about milestones. she didn’t know much about the first few years of our lives, she just knew that whatever it was she chose to do, all those years, she did it knowing it was the best.
why can’t i be like her?
why do i have to be affected by some words written on a some lanyard? why do i have to beat myself up when i’m told home schooling is better? why do i have to beat myself up when i am told private school is the best? why do i have to feel terribly small when i am questioned for not staying at home full time? why do i eat guilt for breakfast, lunch and dinner when it comes to raising my kids?
why can’t i, as a mother, just do what i believe is best, and leave it at that?
So…if you don’t breastfeed your babies, they shouldn’t be born at all? Seriously, that’s a hella stupid slogan.
And whatever. I was bottlefed and I have an IQ of 170. I was never sick as a child except for having my tonsils out. Etc.
A child needs to be loved and cared for. There is no one right way to do that, and I really loathe people who insist that their way is right and if you don’t do it how THEY think you should, it’s child abuse.
It’s just as well I’m never having children. I’d probably punch half of the mothers I met - and I don’t need that kind of police record
Comment by Molly — September 28, 2008 @ 2:03 am
The guilt you talk about must be a tough demon to battle. My thoughts are with you.
IMHO, it’s a combination of your education, training and personal experience that causes these ‘moments’ for you.
They sound fleeting, and they sound self-inflicted.
I think it’s because you care so deeply for your loved ones and want nothing but the best for your own children.
Is that so wrong? I do hope you find a way to mold your emotional courage to the positive.
I think you will just from the way you talk about your feelings.
Keep up your hard work, your caring attitude and never lose how genuine you really are in this world.
It will pay itself forward before you know it.
:)
Comment by Strong One — September 28, 2008 @ 6:35 am
Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, and it also sounds to me like she raised another wonderful mother. You both remind me of my own mother, who died two years ago at age 85. During all those years, she was — as Strong One says in a previous comment — always caring and genuine.
Comment by Sid Leavitt — September 28, 2008 @ 9:47 am
I too found out too much about my grandmother only after her death. I wish she would have been around longer so that I could have known her better.
I had an enjoyable time reading your nursing blog. I am thinking about becoming a nurse. Any advice?
Comment by Virginia Lynn — September 28, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
I think it’s all relative. I’m fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and yet, when I turn on the TV to entertain Ben while I try to clean up the kitchen, I feel that same guilt. It’s like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough. I’m not sure where that guilt comes from.
Anyway. I’ve read your blog for awhile now and I have to say, there’s no doubt in my mind that you are a kind, compassionate, and excellent mom. FWIW I only managed to breastfeed Ben for 10 days and after 18 months (knock on wood) he’s doing just fine.
Comment by Beth — September 28, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
Ah, so many thoughts about this. I have four children. The older two were breastfed, the younger two bottle fed. One of each group turned out to have all the allergies in the world and incidentally every ear infection and strep infection known to man. While it is true that breastmilk is best, there are situations where that is simply not possible and no mother should be made to feel inferior or guilty that they are not doing the “right thing” or “enough” for their child. The most important thing in this issue is that the child be fed. Doesn’t matter how.
I can really relate to the guilt you describe over schooling, music, TV time ect. But I think the most important thing is that our children feel and know they are loved. I believe you can’t say “I love you”, “I missed you”, “I’m proud of you” too much. You can’t hug them too much. You can’t love them too much. The rest falls to the wayside if they know they are loved.
Comment by Lorena — September 29, 2008 @ 8:03 am
If you can breastfeed, good. If you cannot, you still take care of your baby and feed it.
I breastfed for a long time, as my husband likes to remind me, and my kid is okay. My friends, for the most part, did not, and nothing is wrong with their kids.
I’m not perfect, but I keep the kid safe, fed and loved. That’s a lot more than some people can do because of a myriad of situations.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Life is too short. Go out and do your best.
Comment by RehabRN — September 29, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
I breastfed my daughter for nine months until she pretty much weaned herself. Around six months I started giving her formula bottles when it was convenient for her father or grandparents if I didn’t happen to have any breastmilk pumped and I needed to leave her with them. She never had any “nipple confusion” or any issues like that. She is six and has done well in the allergy/sickness realm. I am a WAHM who gives herself all of the same guilt as you describe. Even though I am here all of the time, if I decide to let her read a book or watch TV while I shower I feel like I am doing something “wrong” and I should have showered when she was at school instead of having a cup of coffee. She does ballet and piano and I feel guilt because she wants to play basketball and I had to tell her no because there is not enough time in a week with homework and still having down time and play time and getting to bed on time.
Somehow we can always find ways to give ourselves guilt even though when we sit back and think about it we know it is not usually justified. I think it is the Mama curse.
I just found your blog this morning and read about fifteen posts and added you to my reader. I like your style!
Comment by Kelli — September 30, 2008 @ 5:30 am
my mum breastfed us forever,
my sisters managed 1-2 years with each child, commendable effort when a couple of those were twins….
had boobs like milking cows.
I couldn’t at all because of medication… crossed into breast milk… didn’t particularly want baby having that, me as a mum is enough of a rough deal without a tainted food source to boot…
In the maternity ward I was seen as a social pariah because I “wasn’t even willing to try”…
I was seen by other mums as lazy.
I wanted more than anything to breastfeed, easier and less hassle that bottles any day… always ready, always the right temp… easy to carry…
in the end I got very good at telling others to take a long walk off a short pier whenever the subject came up…
My kids all turned out ok…
Their only problems are having a) Me as a parent, B)having me as a parent and C)having to grow up with a very weird and artistic parent who see slightly different issues in society as important…
They have no illnesses, no freaky mishaps and as yet the raft of genetic defects seems to have passed them by…..
I believe that whatever YOU decide is the best decision….
And If I can be half the mum that my Mum is… I’ll be a happy woman,
Shes a machine!!!
Blimmen AWESOME!!!
Kj
Comment by Kj — September 30, 2008 @ 7:17 pm
I think in this age where information is easily available, it is so easy to flog ourselves for things that we should/could do better.
Our mothers only knew what others had done before them. The only people to judge them were the people that they took advice from. We, on the other hand, have a variety of parenting styles to pick and choose from because we have books, internet, etc. It’s a double-edged sword, raising kids nowadays.
We do our best with what we know and then pray to high heavens that our kids turn out alright.
Comment by -r- — October 6, 2008 @ 11:17 pm